My Random Thought of the Day (RTD): Does anyone ever really want to know how you’re doing? I’m talking a real in-depth answer. Most people are already going by as they ask. There’s a woman I know, Gaylin. Gaylin, to my recollection, rarely asks how you are dong standing up, and even if she does, you feel if you go on forever, she’ll still be listening. her eyes are focused on you, her hands are still, she’s leaned towards you to catch every word. If she doesn’t have time to listen right then, she’ll make lunch plans with you. Gaylin takes “How are you doing?” out of the realm of conventional greeting and polite conversation and places it back into useful conversation. It means something coming from Gaylin.
I must confess, most of the time I am too occupied with worries of my own to really care how others are. It’s one of my shortcomings. I get so full fo me, I neglect other people and their lives. hard to have a spirit of hope, love, and compassion when you only superficially acknowledge other people exist. I’m better than I used to be though. I need more Gaylins around to inspire me.
I spoke to my mother on the phone this morning (8/12/09) and was struck by how lucky I am to have her for a mother. I hear so many people complain about how bad their mother is, how they can’t talk to her about anything and whatnot, but my mother and I are the best of friends. I was telling my mother about how my aunt wanted me to go to Michigan to take her grandson back on the 22nd. My mother is going to be at a family reunion in Arkansas (yes, we are hicks, lol) and so is most of the family, so there wouldn’t really be a reason for me to go. However, my mother offered to rent me a car. “Why?” I ask. “You won’t even be in town.” “I love you that much.” Simple answer. Complicated feeling. I have no idea what it’s like to be a mother, especially to someone like me. I am at times uber emotional and at other times a-emotional. I sometimes have to fake feelings so people don’t think I am a freak for not having any in certain situations. But my mother loves me anyway. She’s the one who took out an education loan after I lost my scholarship and had no money for my sophomore year. I didn’t deserve that, but she did it anyway, is still paying on that loan. She helped me get all the things I needed for my first apartment. She is the one who never gives up and leave me to do whatever I need to do because she’s tired of me not taking her advice.
I sometimes wonder if I will be a good mother at all. Does that devotion, that love and “sticktoitiveness” come out with the water? The baby? The afterbirth? How do you know what to say and do? How do you teach someone to live independent of you? How come some people get it in one and other people have kids on therapists’ couches right now blaming drugs, nymphomania, and all manner of sins on them?
This is dedicated to two special women: My mommy and Gaylin from church. You both inspire me to be a better person. If I am a horrible person in the end, it is neither of your faults; the flaw is in my own attitude.