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pink rosesRTD: I need to begin making it a point to spend my lunch hour reading my Bible and writing in my journal again, taking advantage of those truly quiet moments in my day where I check in with myself and evaluate myself spiritually and emotionally. Don’t get me wrong; I love talking to my mom and aunt, or running errands and whatnot, but my day is off-kilter after those lunchtimes spent talking and running.

I’ve been thinking of having a ladies’ night once a week or twice a month. I miss my girls. I miss discussing things with other women, having meals and getting mani/pedis together, or just watching a movie together. I want to read an article or watch something and open it up for discussion with the Brickhouse Brigade (we are all brickhouses, believe me). So I am in the process of making plans for organized, well-planned ladies’ nights,  with topics, menus, and activities. I am excited to start talking to my girls near and far about working something out. I need to reexpand my circle. I mean, honestly, Mr. Perfect can be gone tomorrow and where’s my support network? Everyone needs friends, folks they can be real with and who can be real with them. I will entertain suggestions, if anyone has any.

I was also thinking about my V-day flowers. Way back in 2008, Mr. Perfect bough me flowers for V-day. I was going to press them, but I didn’t have the know how to do so. Also, the buds (they were roses) were so perfect. They have dried naturally and are perfectly formed still. Only thing is, I can’t put them in my yet-to-be-purchased scrapbook. It’s way too late to press them; they are brittle now and would crumble and turn to dust. I don’t want to crush them. Maybe I will gently crumble one bud and put it in one of those little extra button ziplock baggies and hang that in there.

I have so many things for my scrapbook. The question is why haven’t I made it? I haven’t made it because our relationship, like all relationships, goes up and down a bit, and I would hat e to have this beautiful scrapbook chronicling our beautiful relationship and then we break up and all I am left with is a book of what ifs and how it used to bes. I love Mr. Perfect; I believe he loves me (today; I fluctuate. It has nothing to do with how he actually feels, of course, but rather how I feel he feels). But I also know I am a lot to deal with and accept. I am pretty much settled in my own mind; I’ve seen most of what I need to see to evaluate whether or not I want to continue the relationship to marriage. My hesitations usually come from my own situation. Financially, spiritually, am I sound? Can I be a good helpmeet and support for him? Will I lose me in us? Can I keep a man satisfied with our connections, sexual, emotional, spiritual and financial?  

If all that is true, you ask, why did I even start collecting bits of our lives together for the scrapbook in the first place? For the same reason I kept the flowers, the same reason I keep writing “Love Notes” (I’ll explain that in a later entry), and the same reason I came through all the storms of the past three years–losing funding for school, having to work three jobs at a time to get back in school, losing a job and an apartment in seven days, having my car totaled, losing my stepfather. Because I have to pick a direction to go in and go that way; I can’t just stand around looking. You step out on faith. Because I still believe God has a plan, a purpose, and a person for me, and there’s not much even I can do to mess any of it up. That thought comforts me. even if He has to take me back through it, He makes sure I get it, and the blessings attached to it.

If Mr. Perfect truly is perfect for me, then it will happen. Despite my insecurities and shortcomings, the things we do that merely annoy, to the things that make us (or him) reconsider. I try to make sure I’m letting God do Him while I am here. It is not always what I want to do, and the people the Devil uses don’t make it easy, but I still have to strive towards the mark of the high calling of God.

P.S. Look for updates on the co-worker and my official telling of what happened after August 11th, 2006!