Anytime I am on Colonial, a major street here, I pass by a two bridal shops in a predominately Vietnamese area of town. The first dress shop, with trendy, contemporary bridal, bridesmaid, and prom dresses, does very little to impinge on my brain. I am in no way enamored with any bridal or prom fashions that can be labeled “contemporary.” To me, this is another word for weird. The bridesmaid dresses look like summer dresses I would wear to the beach. Again, not even an extra pulse beat.
But then I pass the other bridal store, and my heart just soars. There is one dress in the window that is my ideal wedding dress. It has the sweetheart neckline, it’s strapless, fitted bodice with one of those skirts with all the tucks and folds–a real cinderella type of affair. The bodice is beaded, neat, intricate work that you can see from across the street. It is a fairytale confection plucked right out of my romantic head and set prominently on display for me to behold and be inspired.
But then my heart plummets again. It’s the same thing with the babies. I sit in church or stand behind them at the grocery store, smiling, offering my finger in friendship, reaching out to grab them, telling them how pretty they are. It’s all fun and games until I give them back.
For whatever reason, I don’t think that I will ever get married and have children. I want to. But it has never seemed to me like I would. I used to think, when I was 13 or so, that I would marry a minister. That dream has sailed, but it wasn’t replaced with any other dreams of matrimony.
I do have a boyfriend now, and we are almost at the two year mark. I love him, absolutely, but I don’t see him marrying me either. Ironically, at the moment, neither does he. Or I should say, because he doesn’t seem to see it, I can’t see it. If that makes sense. In all fairness, it’s not really me, per se, he can’t see himself marrying…he just can’t seem himself getting married in the near future to anyone at all. He likes not being married, the freedom and all of that. I like being able to spend a bit of my time writing and blogging, but most of the time I am lonely during the week with nothing to really do. I think I like spending more time with him than he likes spending with me, or; I would spend more time with him if he didn’t seem to need so much time apart. That’s not all that clear, but I can’t say it any better.
I haven’t bought the stupid scrapbook, but I am going looking before church tonight, if the craft store is still open. The reason that I haven’t bought it yet, the real reason, is because I don’t want to buy it and start it and have all of these wonderful benchmarks carefully crafted together and then no relationship. Who needs a physical reminder of a past relationship? (no offense, children of broken homes…I’m one of those crappy reminders as well!) I find myself limiting my feelings, keeping certain sections of myself separate to have something left if/when my boyfriend and I break up. It’s kind of like how people buy all the bottled water, batteries and non-perishables for a hurricane: no one wants the storm to hit them, the don’t necessarily expect to be affected, but they save up and board up just in case.
The receptionist at work said if I had a book club, she would join. She also encouraged me to look into a writing class or two. Maybe even a movie night . Who knows, I just may take her up on her offer. (OMG, if this guys phone rings in this library one more time, he will have to take a laxative to flush it out!!!) I need some more creative outlets. I need to broaden my circle of support. I like all of my friends in cyberspace; but sometimes I need to see a face or hear a voice on the phone.
Anyway, none of this is what I was supposed to be writing about, but I am in the library, in between work and going to Bible study tonight. I can’t construct my movie reviews and introspective masterpieces in the hour they give you on the public computer, and the other patrons are a big distraction. I will write my two movie reviews (Law Abiding Citizen & Mozart & the Whale) later on tonight, to be posted soon.