I know it’s been a while since I’ve written anything, let alone the movie reviews and all of the other things that I’ve promised to write, but I’ve been really in my head lately. I just haven’t felt like sharing any of the thoughts racing through my mind.
I went to my aunt’s for Thanksgiving day. That was fun. I actually got to take Mr. Perfect to see more of my cousins (more of the embarrassing ones), which went…well. One of my cousins was leaving after we ate and said “See you later 2blu and …you.” It didn’t bother me as much that she’d forgotten his name, but the fact that she referred to him as “you”…disrespectful. I couldn’t believe it. Other than that, and my aunt forcing him to play her favorite card game, he seemed to enjoy himself a bit. There were a few hiccups, family aside, but I’m still thinking through how I feel about those.
Netflix gave me the wrong movies. For whatever reason my queue wouldn’t update correctly. That summarizes how things have been going for me lately. I feel like my life hasn’t been updating correctly. Everyone seems to want something from me. Some people are very clear about what that is; some people, to me, couldn’t be more vague. I don’t operate well with open-ended questions, let alone directions. I end up talking too much, or I get handsy, or I shut down completely and don’t say or do anything at all.
How do you respond to criticism? I have only three responses. I listen very respectfully to watch you say and flush it down the toilet with all the rest of the crap that is a by-product of life; I take it and use it to improve things I think need improving, or; I feel attacked and hurt and don’t do anything but feel bad. I have no idea how I want to feel about the latest bits of criticism that I’ve received. I tend to deal with criticism of my writing better than in any other area of my life, because I know my writing is good. Honest, constructive criticism can only better it. No matter how hard I try, however, I can’t transfer that level of confidence and acceptance of criticism into other areas of my life.
I feel as if I need a bit of space from my life, but I don’t see where I can create that space so I could deal with all of the different things that are going on both inside of me and in the outside world in which I move. I just need to breathe and find some inner stillness. But where is it?