Tags
beginnings, female relationships, friends, introspection, loss, love, me, Mr. Perfect, New Year's Eve, New Year's Resolutions, Pink Susie, relationships
I promised to wrap up the year and put it to the back of the closet, so that’s what I’ll do. But before I can do that, I have to take it out and look at it again, so I’ll know it when I see it, in case someone tries to give me another one.
This year began horribly, so I am not surprised nothing went according to plan. At the end of 2008, I had lost a job and an apartment, gotten a nasty note from my father about me being ungrateful and blah blah blah, taken a temp job, moved into my apartment without heat in temps that dipped below thirty for the first time in decades (no hot water either), had my phone cut off, and all manner of tomfoolery. I brought in the New Year asleep on my floor wrapped in a blanket (no I didn’t have couches in my apartment either; it was a big empty mess…sigh) by myself, watching Notarized Top 100 and feeling like music was dead and not just Auto-tune (but especially auto-tune, one could say).
In 2009, I continued to lose things. I lost my car. It was totaled in an accident in May on my way to work. I lost my stepfather in March after a long illness he seemed largely recovered from, at the young age of 51. When I lost my stepfather, I lost that one person that always made sure that I knew he was proud of me, no matter how I felt about my situation. There was always an up side. That, people, is where my optimism comes from, that driven belief in myself. Do not be fooled; my stubborn, hardheaded father is not the source of that. I lost that person who encouraged everything that I ever wanted to do (including singing…and no I’m not great; I’m merely passable. But the way the music industry is now…I could change the game, lol.). How do you find the place that person has left that belief, that encouragement, for you to keep with you once their gone? I don’t know. I haven’t found it yet.
I had some sorors visit me in July, and that didn’t go according to plan either. It was the middle of the year and things were slightly better, so I knew that this would be the thing I needed to revive me a bit. Some people from my past that I’d known when things were going well, people I had been close to or felt like I was growing close to through conversations since I’d left to come here. The only problem is the 2blu2btru they knew largely didn’t exist anymore. I would even venture to say a large part of who they may have thought I was never existed. The same could be said for me as well. You encounter people in certain realms and you get along great and you love talking to each other and can’t wait to get together outside of those realms and have a good time. But then you discover your good time and theirs is different. Or you are at two different places. Or, Lord forbid someone (or everyone) is on their period. Or whatever. With women it could be anything. The weekend was fun in parts, tiring, introspective, everything. Sometimes I felt like a spectator, like someone watching from home who wasn’t really there at all. You know how you yell at a TV, but no one’s expression changes, no one turns to answer you? It’s because you aren’t really a part of it. We are, to the best of my knowledge, still friends, but different friends. Not friends who give advice and talk quite a few times in a week anymore though. I am running short on those for the year.
My year hasn’t been all bad. I finally got couches in my apartment. I got a permanent position at the company I temped for. I just got my first annual review (after six months–change in policy, long story), and it was great. I was recommended for a raise and got a holiday bonus. I have another car. My biological father and I have a better relationship now. My stress level is lower since I quit working for Pink Susie. Mr. Perfect and I are still together, and our relationship is stable. I have a phone this year (and heat and hot water). I even have internet to type this on.
If this year has taught me anything, it’s that I’m resilient. Losing people through death or growing apart, losing jobs, housing, certainty, my beliefs, and my belief in myself hurt me, but it didn’t break me.
What are my resolutions? What am I looking forward to? What are my hopes for the year? Well, that’s a whole other entry. Right now, I’m going to spruce up the apartment and wait to see what the plans are for tonight.
Indigo Moods 
“I would even venture to say a large part of who they may have thought I was never existed. The same could be said for me as well.”
I’d have to be honest here and say you are absolutely correct in your analysis. I can only speak for myself but I did indeed have fun but most of that fun diminished when you appeared. That prb sounds harsh! When I arrived, you were at work so we went to get things for the room, food, and chit chatted till you were free. When you did meet up with us, I felt (just a feeling) you were a tad bit critical of those around you. You mentioned your jelly fish friend in an earlier blog but, imo, you can be quite similar.
You and I did talk for some time before the FL trip so I had no expectations but to have fun for the week. I guess I did expect you to be someone different as you prb expected me to be different. The good thing I’ve always loved about EK is that we are all different but, at the same time, we know aspects of each person’s personality to know who will clash and who will gel. You and I clashed during this time ONLY because our expectations were off.
The one thing I remember which did hurt my feelings was when we’d just got back from shopping and you asked me what I’d bought. I said “a dress” and you said “a church dress or a skanky dress?” Do you have 2 distinct views of me or was I being overly sensitive? Can I be a bad girl making my way to good girl status? I know you are a great person so maybe it’s coming off wrong which is why I still say we’re friends….we both just had a moment of clarity.
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The thing about the dress is very simple. It was just a way of asking whether the dress was for church or to go out in. “Skanky” wasn’t meant to be “hoochie” or “ho-ish”; just party wear.
Most of the other things seems to be misinterpretation and misunderstanding. I don’t drink, so people think I hate it when people drink or am calling them alcoholic in my head. I’m not; I just don’t care for the way most alcohol tastes. I can’t dance, have no rhythm, and feel stupid dancing, but when I don’t dance, people think I’m not having a good time, that they have to sit with me, or that I’m judging how close they’re dancing with somebody. Because I go to church and seem to like it and talk about it, some people think I’m one of those Bible thumping hypocrites who is always judging them.
I sensed a lot that I seemed to hamper your fun, and that’s enough to make me prickly. There’s nothing like having friends visit and then ending up the odd person out. I think we are both overly sensitive (hence why advice from one another can be helpful–or just make us more neurotic), and that probably isn’t changing anytime soon.
The jelly fisher–completely different; she isn’t trying to be helpful, or merely observing/stating the obvious. She really says it to be mean, no misunderstanding. She freely admits that.
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Yeah, I agree I am overly sensitive a lot so I ask those around me how they perceived the situation to let me know when I am overreacting and when I am not. I do that often now since I know I do react differently than others would. That being said, I think we may understand each other more than misunderstand.
The jelly fish girl is at least honest when she said she’s mean so I can respect her for that. I attempt to be honest with myself as well. If I am the reason for the same feelings from different people then I know not to blame others but to look at myself. If people have told me countless times that I need to keep my negative comments to myself about other people or that the way I say things comes off hurtfull then I will try to change that instead of saying “they need to accept me for who I am” or “I don’t think I need to change me”.
No need to be prickly at all. Just a situation that opened our eyes to some things. No hard feelings.
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