, , , , , , , , , , , ,

There are some things that will have to change before I ever get married. I thought of this, not because I was asked, but because of something said at church about wives. It’s not that I didn’t agree with the statements, but because they made me seem a little too ready. So before I start to feel myself a little too much, I thought I’d share where I would be “closed for repairs” before I said I do.

1. I pimp my v-card too hard. When it’s pants weather, I don’t keep my legs free of hair. Why? I get to it when I feel like it, it gets too long, or the weather changes and I want to wear shorts or capris. While I trim, I don’t completely “mow the front lawn”…ain’t nobody supposed to be on my grass. My toes aren’t always painted. I have a few extra pounds that I can camouflage with the right clothes. But being naked is a real eye opener. Nobody sees all the details I let slide in favor of more sleep or to save a buck. When you get married, Vicki doesn’t leave a lot of secrets. I’d have to really step it up.

2. You want me to put what where? Yes, I do yoga, and though my pilates game has fallen off, I can do a lot of that too. And while I can get into some odd positions, I don’t have a high sex IQ. I don’t own a kama sutra. I don’t have any practice using my kegel muscles to do anything but keep me from peeing my pants. I don’t have the know how to do any freaky sneaky stuff that will turn anybody out. I might suck at sex (and not in a good way)!

3. Let me cater to…me! In a lot of ways, my man gets the royal treatment. I was taught to fix my man his plate first. I cook. I clean. I watch sports and go to church and would probably make a good mother. But there are whole days I devote to myself. I write. I pedicure/manicure. I wash my hair and wear a face mask. I listen to country music. I do nothing but watch movies in my PJs. I can’t have those lazy cow days so often when someone else is there that wants dinner, sex, clean socks, or needs me to look good at the drop of a hat and whip up something for the colleagues. I do some things because I want to and not because I have to. I gotta get my mind right before I agree to do it all the time, in writing, before God.
4. Til Death do us part? It’s easy to sit my unmarried self here and say there are only 2 biblical ways to absolve a marriage–infidelity and death. OK, and non-consummation, but that doesn’t absolve the marriage because it hasn’t begun. Where there is no blood there can be no covenant. But what about after I am married, and all those little things you forget to consider start to show up? What if I didn’t marry who I thought I did? Will I be in it for the long haul? I don’t worry about me as much as him: what if he is unhappy and leaves? What if I put myself out there and he says it’s not enough? Hopefully I will have covered the basics like money, religion, and children/child reang, but there is so much more.
5. make room for hubby. I will have to rid of some things, share the hot water in the morning, cook things that he likes as well as thing I like, consider what he may want to do and not just what I want to do, remember him when I’m shopping for groceries or household items. You have to make a lot of physical (and mental) room for someone else, even if you never really lived by this principle before. I have to call when there is a change in my routine to let him know I’ll be late, I can’t just go out when I want to and go home when I feel lie it. Truth be told, I don’t go out til crazy times at night, or get wild in the club now, but it’s the fact that I couldn’t then if I wanted to that would need some work.

6. …Or get your money back! I love money back guarantees. I have probably taken something back for a refund twice in my life that didn’t work, and gotten a fresh new one. But there are some things you give in a marriage that you will never get back if it doesn’t work: time, opportunities, virginity, sometimes friends and loved ones for various reasons. People who have been your family that you no longer have a tangible connection to you and who may decide that, in fairness to Mr. True Love, they can’t talk to you or get a bite to eat. Maybe your belief in the whole institution is scarred beyond recognition. Your faith in the humanity of another human being. But you still kinda, just a little, on days when the sun is shining, he pays on time, and he actually picks up the kids like he said he would, still love him. Once given, still there, even if it’s just a “we are the world” love, a “we had some good times, didn’t we?” love, a “he sure knew my spot” love. As Dru Hill asked in a (cover) song “What Do I Do with the Love?”

So how much time does one need, with the right person, to resolve all of these issues, and the plethora of others that come up before “I do” but after “Will you”? How long should an engagement be? What the heck should a person be nailing down in the engagement process? To pre-nup or not to pre-nup? At what age do you become a little too set in your ways to accept all of these changes?


P.S. NOT rhetorical! Comment