What is the minimum income requirement you have for a spouse, or do you have one? How do you feel about stay at home wives (not mothers–wives)? What would you do if true love left you the perfect person, except they didn’t make a lot of money when you met them? How broke is too broke?
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with setting up guidelines about the person that you want to share a life with that have to do with things you cannot accept–if you want someone without kids, or with a college degree–but how do you handle exceptions (because there are always exceptions)? What if there is no initial spark of lustful attraction, but you connect well mentally? What if she is gorgeous and smart and makes good money but has two or three children? What if he’s Muslim? What if she’s Pagan? When is it OK to break a deal breaker?
I watched What Chilli Wants again. Yes, my Sundays are a little slower than the other days of the week. Anyway,Floyd Mayweather is still in the picture distracting her from finding true love (or is the match true love keeps trying to press on her–you be the judge) which, along with various other things from the weekend, got me thinking about deal breakers and the wisdom of putting limits on love. *Pause*
I know that there have to be some parameters in place so that you don’t accept everything that comes along. Love is not bringing you Pookie from cell block D serving three life sentences for rape and murder who writes letters about choking you and beating you and spitting on you (or maybe he is–people ask love for some strange requests!); more than likely desperation and loneliness are bringing him. Desperation and/or loneliness are responsible for most of the foolishness people end up with. When I was single, I was neither, so I didn’t have as much trouble as other females who were man hungry to the point of picking up strange men in odd places and not taking “no” for an answer. *Continuing on*
It’s not easy for me to trust to begin with, to open myself up to love and loving somebody. My nerves are always on alert; at the first sign of shaky ground, I bolt back to safe terrain like a white tailed deer. So believe me when I say that I know how hard it can be to lower your guard and give people room to be human, make mistakes, without completely detaching yourself. There’s a difference between a mistake, a deliberate positioning oneself in a situation, and a pattern of behavior that negates the possibility of ever getting out of a situation. You have to know what you’re dealing with.
Here are a few of my issues:
1. I make little money. I have a degree. I’m great at all things pertaining to the written word and can work in any field that deals more in words than numbers (no accounting for me!). I should be making more than I make, but I am not. I am proactive about my future, but at the current moment, I am blessed to have a (lower paying) job.
2. I talk A LOT. A whole lot. It annoys people (and even me). One of the reasons I will never get married (ask my father and Pink Susie’s husband if you don’t believe me). I talk when I’m nervous. I talk when I’m happy. I talk to fill silences. I talk to avoid talking. I can be quiet, but since I’m known for talking, when I don’t talk people figure something’s wrong and coax me to talk. Yet they think I talk to much. Vicious cycle.
3. I keep most things to myself. I’m not a sharing person (evidence of this blog aside). When you upset me, I let it go (or try to). When you hurt me, I move on (or try to). But I don’t usually say anything about it. It’s not even that I explode later, I just begin detaching, shutting down the emotional receptors, and preparing for the eventual demise of the relationship. Usually. I’m striving to be better.
4. I challenge you to like me at my less than stellar. I am not a dress up, coiffeured within an inch of my life, made up like a Barbie person. I love sexy nightgowns and underwear (that only I see at present), smelling good, and having my hair down. I don’t tend to wear makeup, dresses, or stilettoes. I can’t walk properly in heels. I prefer jeans. I don’t like bright colors in my hair, or for my belts to be lime green or neon orange to match my shirt and the swoosh on my air force ones. I don’t rock door knocker earrings with my name in them. I don’t wear a lot of summer dresses. I can get “snazzy,” but for the most part, figure hugging jeans and a nice top with basic black pumps are the most I do. I feel comfortable that way, and I can see if you like me for me, or you like me for the potential if I just permed my hair, got french tips, wore a bunch of makeup, and lost a few pounds.
5. I give people a lot of chances. The results are usually the same, but I feel I should at least try to give people a chance to change. As a result, I have a lot of family members and friends who take advantage of me from time to time. It can drive some people crazy that I would answer their phone calls or do projects, etc. for them, knowing what happened the last time. Maybe I’m too nice, but I would like for people to show me the same courtesy and give me the benefit of the doubt.
Some of these things I can change; some I cannot. Only time will tell which is truly which. I feel like the Brandy song Camouflage: “I’m a work in progress/ I’m a seed grown into a flower/ I’m a storm that’s rising/ Getting stronger with every hour/ And God knows I ain’t perfect/ Tell me who in the world is/ All I know is that I’m searching/ For somebody to love me with/ These flaws I’ve got/ There all apart of who I am/Take me or not…/ I need a lot of improvement/ Not even half way to destiny/ But I’m a train that’s moving/ And everyday I’m picking up speed.” I would hope that I wouldn’t be discounted as “wifey material” because I’m not a finished product yet, so I don’t feel like I could discount someone for the same reason. I’m not saying I would accept anything. Far from it. But I’m finding that sticking to a rigid list of qualities is not the greatest course of action.
I guess that’s easy for me to say. At this moment, Mr. Perfect meets most of my essentials; it’s me who isn’t quite up to par. I’m not used to being the person who lags behind. It’s not something that I enjoy. One of these days, I’m going to have to catch up with where I’m supposed to be.