In the previous marriage kit post, we were interviewing my minister about marriage. He will be married for 19 years on August 17th. He has shared his views on how to get to know someone and what the qualifications for a husband/wife are. In part two of the interview, we are discussing red flags to look for, how independent women affect relationships, Always Something Better Syndrome (ASBS), commitment phobia, common issues in marriage, and what people need to be doing during engagement and their first year of marriage for a solid foundation.
12. What are some red flags to look for?
Someone who is unaccountable. I believe you see everything up front before you go in. Don’t believe you can change it; accept that it’s there. Accept what you see.
14. How do we know that “this is who God has for me?” Is that a notion you agree with?
Proverbs 31 is the wife God has for a Christian Man. God doesn’t choose who we marry; He chose what we marry. You know what God chose for you *I shake my head* A male. *Laughs* God leaves the decision up to us, so we can be held accountable for our decisions.
15. How does a man find a wife?
He looks where Godly women are to be found. You find a good wife like you find a church *references Proverbs 31* By referring to scripture, wise council–you have to involve older people.
16. How do you feel ideas of independent women affect relationships?
I believe that has been brought on by an atmosphere of illegitimate children, irresponsible husbands/fathers, the economy, home structure, and supply/demand. Girls are made to work; they are held to a higher standard. Women are more aggressive & studious. It can cripple a Christian home if a woman does not value her role in being submissive to her husband. It’s brought on by negative impulses, culture/tv glamorizing independent women. It’s a climate of default, with women having been defrauded by me. A man has to be sensitive to the fact that this is something she has had to do and over time gain her trust and confidence and show that she can depend on him.
17. What are your thoughts on ASBS? Does such a syndrome exist?
I think that it needs to happen and not be forced. A person needs to allow themselves to feel that something is right. If a person is really given to God, two people can meet a certain personality and just click; certain personalities clash. I think you need to expand, go broader, expand your borders, step out of your comfort zone.
18. How long should an engagement be? When should you get married?
Immediately–time depends on length of courtship. If you date five years, one month; if you date 1 yr., 4-6 months for arrangements, housing. But no longer than six months.
19. What should you be doing the first year of marriage?
Enjoying yourself. Taking out all elements of fear; validating “you made the right choice”; implementing conflict management strategies, financial management; learning how to respect each other’s space, show good faith; implement your theories discussed while dating/engaged.
20. How do you navigate In-law relationships & family relationships?
When you have an issue with your partner, call their people–they will still love him afterwards & they have insight into their character. Don’t call your people and complain about your spouse. Also, never lend to your family, check with your spouse; make sure your family knows they have to go to your spouse for things and vice versa. They will be nicer to them knowing they have that kind of say so, and it prevent arguments like “you’re always lending your family money.”
From the cutting room floor: comments that didn’t fit anywhere else:
- Allow yourself an opportunity to meet someone that when something funny happens at work, she would be the first person you’ll call.
- Doctrinal reasons alone would not have kept us together; the idea of marriage was solely based on Christianity, but staying married influenced by upbringing. We weren’t ready for marriage when we got married.
- based on divine righteousness, it becomes greater than personalities clicking.