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Bigger & Blacker

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A friend of mine and I were emailing today when the perfect topic came up for me to write about. What’s the number that people lie about the most in relationships? It’s a number that men inflate and women deflate. Some think it’s important while some never ask for it. Some people flaunt it, some hide it. It can determine how society views you and who’s interested in you.

I’m sure you’ve come up with some interesting answers to that question, and I want to hear all of them in the comments section. But the number I’m referring to is…


drum roll please.

(drums rolling)

…the number of sexual partners that you’ve had before your relationship. I wonder why that is, though. Is this number important to you? What does it mean to you whether I say ten or two?

There’s a famous joke by Chris Rock that says that men don’t really want to know how many guys their woman has been with before them because no matter what she says it will be too much. Of course, this doesn’t take into account those women who can honestly say they haven’t slept with anyone, but seriously, do guys really want to know?

What about women? Do you want to know? Why do you want to know?

I know there are many different reasons to ask the question: a person wants to take their sexual health seriously. That’s a great reason. But there are some of those other issues that come up with this that REALLY cause people to ask that they don’t want to admit to. You may decide someone is too loose, to timid and not sexually adventurous, won’t be able to please you, or has pleased to many people. You may find your partner’s experience intimidating. You may start wondering down the path of was so and so better at whatever? 

Why don’t people tell the truth? Because they’re ashamed, afraid to lose their mate? Because people won’t take the time to get to know them once they know?

I’ve experienced all of those feelings myself. Sex is an intimate, intricate association that you’re never quite rid of. Whether you want to own up to it or not, it has a big impact. Whether or not you consciously compare your various experience or lament your inexperience, people are thinking and feeling some type of way about this issue, but many forget about the important issues of honesty and trust.

I’m proud of my number. It’s exactly the number I should have. Do I still have moments of trepidation when I think about the future? Yes. I’ve been passed over because of my number. I’ve been ridiculed because of it. I’ve been made to feel like I was less of a woman because of my number. But at the end of the day, it’s important to me to keep my number exactly where it is until I can, without shame, up it by 1. I’m protective of it.

What led me to this? A while ago someone informed me that someone was saying that they had slept with me. Now, it wasn’t true, but it opened up a wide range of possible consequences. There were mutual acquaintances, my reputation, and my current relationship involved. The integrity that I’d built up, the times that I’d resisted doing things I shouldn’t, the trust I’d forged in my relationships–all in question, over someone I spoke to twice in my life. It hurt me. It made me angry. But it also brought back to mind the question of numbers and whether it really matters.

If you read the portion of the marriage kit interview I post of one of my church’s elders, you will notice he says something very profound about what people ideally should know before they get married and what they shouldn’t. Sometimes, life happens. We transgress. We repent and are forgiven. But that doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened, nor that we can escape the consequences, whether it’s missing out on people we wanted, being overlooked, ridiculed. We all have to live with our choices.

I’m not going to ask anyone to give me their number, but I would like to know your thoughts on the subject. I would LOVE to hear from some men on this especially. Leave your two cents after the beep.