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Bigfoot, Black love, Black men, Black people, Black relationships, Divorce, Loch Ness Monster, marriage, quotes, The Denzel Principle
Yes, Lock Ness Monster sightings are related to this post...youre welcome. Image via Wikipedia
I recently started reading The Denzel Principle: Why Black Women Can’t Find Good Black Men. I realized early on that this was going to be a book from the male perspective that was sure to rub me the wrong way, even though most of what I’ve read so far doesn’t pertain to me in the least bit. Even so, I like to keep an open mind about things until I’ve gone through the entire thing, at which point in time I will close my mind door and take my position.
Even though I’m only through the introduction and most of the first chapter, a few of the author’s assertions have jumped out at me and I want to know what you think about them. Since this is a relationship book, I thought my ponderings of the ideas expressed were well placed here. So, I’ll provide the quotes and you respond with how you feel about it. OK? Good.
1) “…two-thirds of all black marriages end in divorce, creating whole neighborhoods of single-parent families, usually headed by single mothers. This statistic really reflects less on black men and more on black women and their inability to make good choices.”
2) “That said, the thing is I know brothers aren’t responsible for the high divorce rate because we aren’t that particular. Men are not complicated creatures and don’t ask for much. All we want is a woman to work, cook, clean, and maybe give up a little [sexual act] on our birthday. Sisters think they aren’t aking for the world by just looking for a man to meet their minimum standards. But their minimum is either the bare minimum or over the top.”
3) “But girl, she was so close! So as a tribe, they all just keep looking, telling themselves that accepting anything less than perfection would be “settling,” because they’ve been convinced that the perfect man exists. This goes on until this perfect black man becomes like Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster, with cults of nutjobs trading information, hunting tips, and fish stories about the one that got away, thier lives committed to hunting and capturing a creature who could not possibly exist.”
Thoughts?
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I remember you saying this book is based on his opinion from his own experiences so I won’t take offense to anything written even blanket assumptions toward all black women. However, I must disagree with the idea that black women are more to blame for the divorce rate of most black marriages. Traditionally, the man asks for her hand in marriage so, theoretically, aren’t both parties equally to blame for the failed union? Both made the decision to marry each other.
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Thank you for linking my article. I really appreciate the love. Now, down to business
Two things
A. African Americans are really good at blaming everyone else for their problems but themselves (I’m black by the way). We’ll find every excuse in the book to find fault with everyone else, or a targeted group of people; vs. just saying we need to sit down, talk to one another and get our sh!t together. Granted, this was the posters personal opinions (and they’re like a$$holes, every body’s got one); but he’s demonstrated a level of perfection when it comes to regurgitating what he or she has heard others within our community spew.
People in general get divorced over a number of reasons. Everything from irreconcilable differences (meaning they couldn’t get along) to money, and infidelity. And its not limited to the African American community. Black folks always wanna make it seem like numbers and stats only reflect what we’re going through, as if no other ethnicity of people are experiencing the same issues. And in my personal opinion, both parties are to blame. Both a man and woman came together, took vows to be married till death due them part, things fell apart and they went their separate ways. End of story. Nothing to do with ethnicity.
Its only an issue of ethnicity because we as people make it an issue of ethnicity. Normally because the people who point out race as being a factor are trying to find some excuses for explaining why they failed at marriage (anything to take the blame off themselves).
B. People in general have their ideas of what constitutes the ‘perfect mate’. This is one of the reasons why you see so many men becoming involved in long term relationships with women that they’re not wiling and/or ready to wed.
Let me explain
A man will hold onto a woman for 10+ years, selling her falsehoods and fairy tails of a wedding day, knowing he’s not ready nor willing to put a ring on her finger, because he’s waiting for something he assumes to be “better” coming along. Some men (i.e. brothas) are always on the look out for the woman with the banging body, the fattest booty, the long flowing hair, light skin, different color eyes, who can cook and clean like their ma’ma, and who is freaky in the sac.
So they’ll ‘settle’ for the 5’s until that perfect 10 winks her eye and give them a chance at what they assume to be love. All the while, the woman they have at home is doing what ever she can to make him happy, but her best is not good enough for him; because he’s still waiting on that Beyonce look alike to sweep him off his feet.
Eventually, that 5 at home gets fed up and leaves him for a man who’s willing to put a ring on it. Leaving him to later look back on his life with the 5 and finally realize (after she’s gone) that he had what he wanted all along, but he was too blind to realize it because he was looking for Ms. Black America.
Black men do it all the time! And they will continue to do it, ruining good relationships with good women, waiting for something that doesn’t exist…..the perfect woman.
The only difference between what black men do vs. black women is that black women (those I know) will stay single and wait on what they assume to be the ‘right man’ for them, while black men will sell false dreams to an average woman (feeding her spoon-full of what he thinks she wants to hear while running game), shacking up with her, while waiting for the perfect woman.
In other words, he’ll use a 5 for personal purposes until the 10 shows up and submits herself unto him. Same game, different methods.
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Thanks for commenting! 🙂 I’m big on the link love, so anytime I see something that fits what I’m talking about, or is interesting, I’ll always link to it.
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OMG!!! I would have thrown this book down already!!!
#1 “…This statistic really reflects less on black men and more on black women and their inability to make good choices.”
WTH??? Why must we leave out the accountability of the men? I think that’s some of their problem now is that they AREN’T held accountable for their actions.
# 2 is such an unintelligent statement that I’m not even giving it my brain power. OMG!
#3 I have to say this one has a little bit of merit because there are a lot of women I believe have this idea of the perfect man and we need to accept that all of us have faults and we just have to know which ones we will and won’t live with and accept. and we all need to practice a little more staying power. We can’t always run at the first sign of things not going our way.
Those were some very interesting quotes from that book and has let me know it’s one I don’t think I will ever choose to read. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and I respect it as such. Thank you for sharing.
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Thanks for reading and commenting! 🙂 It’s not something I would usually read, either, but I decided to pick it up to see what the basis of his arguments were. I’m still reserving my opinions until I finish the book, but who knows when that will be.
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Please if/once you finish I’d be interested in knowing if it gets any better & what your thoughts are.
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