I thought I didn’t have anything new and motivational to say today, so I was going to continue on with my series on how I stay so positive, but then the twitterverse exploded all over my timeline. People were hurt, angry, frustrated, and feelign beat up on…again. There was another article, another headline, about why Black women were, again, inferior.
Maybe you are unfamiliar with this particular media trend. If you are, suffice it to say…the media wants Black women to know just how undesirable we are. Yes, they do. CNN is doing specials on why we are all STILL single. People are pushing us to date outside of our race because it’s our only hope. We are told to be independent, then berated for not letting men be men. No man wants a woman who is basically a man. We can’t win for losing.
Then in (allegedly) comes Psychology today (allegedly) with an article (allegedly) entitled: “Black Women Less Attractive.” *I say allegedly because from what I gather, the article has been taken down, although no official acknowledgement of its existence nor an apology have been issued by PT.* Stop the presses! Twitter exploded with exhortations to know our worth. How dare they call our mothers, grandmothers, wives, daughters, selves unattractive? Black is beautiful…blah blah blah.
That’s all well and good to say, and hey, it got Psychology Today to batten down the hatches and wait out the storm. But the real issue should be why does this get so much attention? Why do we take this so to heart? Why is our self-esteem and self-worth reactive (based upon our reactions to what others are saying) and not proactive?
I’ve spent a lot of time with the difference between being proactive and reactive lately. I’ve spent most of my life in the struggle to love myself and have self-acceptance. I’ve been as nitpicky as the next woman of any race about how I look. If I had a gun to my head I could still spout off all the things I hate about my physical appearance with the same ease as I could commiserate with a friend about it over lunch.
Neither is the thought that African-American women are unattractive a new phenomenon. The term Black is beautiful exploded in the sixties in response to centuries of being told that we weren’t beautiful, after decades of putting everything from axle grease to lye in our hair to change its appearance. Even then, many women still struggled with how they looked. Studies were done showing little black girls didn’t think little black dolls were pretty and didn’t want to play with them (the veracity of the studies’ findings were debated and refuted with further studies, but the message had already infected the community). We’ve been fighting this war for a long time.
The difference is, for me, that I decided before I opened twitter that I love who I am. I love how I look. I’m not content with it; I’m always striving to be better. However, I know the beauty that I already have. I made a proactive choice to not let how I feel about me be swayed by how others feel about me. Whether Psychology Today polled 100,000 Americans and found that 99.9% of them thought I, as a black woman, was unattractive, or ten men attempted to get my phone number today with an additional 15 watching in appreciation as I walked by.
I don’t mean to imply that I am in any way excusing Psychology Today’s article. They knew (or should have known) the import of what they were doing, and how it would affect women of all races to be ranked in terms of attractiveness. Nor do I agree with their findings. I was always raised to believe that I was beautiful, smart, worthy all on my own, that marching to my own drum and standing for what I believed only enhanced my beauty. I was given the pretty dolls that looked like me and read the books about how beautiful my brown eyes and black hair was, yet I know that’s not every Black woman’s story.
I’ve read “Phenomenal Woman” and written my own “I’m beautiful, gosh darn it” poetry. I’m tired of trying to convince people of what I already know. My truth is that I know what’s beautiful about me: my eyes, my smile, my cheeks, my hair. There’s just nothing anybody can say that negates that. As India.Arie sang:
There ain’t no substitute for the truth
either it is or isnt…
you see the truth it, needs no proof
either it is or it isnt…
Now you know the truth by the way it feels
My truth is very simple. There are only really ever two people who need to find me attractive: myself and whoever I marry. At the moment, I find me attractive enough for the both of us. 😀
To sum it all up, I’ll leave you with a few lyrics from one of my favorite songs about self-love:
I’m not the average girl from your video
And I ain’t built like a supermodel
But I learned to love myself unconditionally…And I know my creator didn’t make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my Lips, my eyes, I’m loving what I seeBut I’ve drawn the conclusion, it’s all an illusion
Confusion’s the name of the game
A misconception, a vast deception,
Something got to changeNow don’t be offended this is all my opinion
Ain’t nothing that I’m saying law
This is a true confession
Of a life learned lesson
I was sent here to share with y’all
So get in when you fit in
Go on and shine
Clear your mind
Now’s the time
Put your salt on the shelf
Go on and love yourself
‘Cause everything’s gonna be alright
That’s my two cents, anyway. Feel free to leave yours. Did you get a chance to read the article? Were you offended? Did you agree/disagree with all of the hoopla? What do you find beautiful about you?
Related articles
- Black Women Are Less Attractive. Oh, Really? (theroot.com)
- WTF! Magazine Claims Black Women Are “Less Attractive” (hellobeautiful.com)
- Michelle Obama gives hope to young black women (thegrio.com)
- Are Black Women REALLY “As seen on TV”? (psychologytoday.com)
- Why Are Black Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women? (psychologytoday.com)
- Monday Motivation: Accentuate the Positive (2blu2btru.wordpress.com)
- monday motivation: goals (backtoherroots.com)
When I read this, my first thought was India.arie so we are on the same page. I so love her. As for the Black woman’s supposed plight in America, it is not until we UNITE and MOUNT up to attack this propaganda and the stigma attached to us that we can embark on changing perceptions and attitudes as women. Me, I am happy as a lark, educated, optimistic, and simply charming yet I get crapped on the most by Black women who seem intimidated by my Maya Angelou boldness, Terry McMillian sass, Sister Souljah lyrical defiance, Michelle Obama demeanor, and Beyonce’s ego. No, my ego is not big but I know my WORTH as a woman and I am always trying to defy odds and atrocities set forth about Black women. It’s hard for me to befriend women period because they appear to be born with massive amounts of jealousy.
Because of who I am in God, I ignore a lot of things but true love and change starts within and I have that in check so I spread my good cheer and uplift my sisters but I can’t say I get that in turn. I refuse to stop being ambitious and accept the low rank on the totem pole that society enforces upon us.
My fave author, Zora Neale Hurston once said, “The Black woman is the mule of the world. Tasks pass from the white male to the Black male and into the laps of Black women.” To an extent it is true but at some point, we as women must rise above it.
As one of my fave quotes by Maya Angelou goes, “The fact that the adult American Negro female emerges a formidable character is often met with amazement, distaste and even belligerence. It is seldom accepted as an inevitable outcome of the struggle won by survivors,
and deserves respect if not enthusiastic acceptance.”
We as Black women need to accept who we are and demand others do the same because, If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain,” as Maya says.
Good post, Blu! I love it!
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It’s hard for us to come together and support each other in issues like this, because we’ve been so trained to think of one another as competition for everything. I wish that wasn’t the case. We don’t want to uplift each other and let each other know how beautiful we are as individuals because that might take some of our shine. It’s ridiculous. The media at large already attacks us enough without us attacking one another.
I wish Psychology Today would have issued some sort of statement or tried to explain the purpose of this piece. By just taking the article offline and burying their head until it goes away, they seem to be implying they didn’t do anything that anyone should be offended by. I want to go on record saying their actions are saying something different, and defiantly refusing to address the issue isn’t helping.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Mimi! 🙂
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At risk of sounding like a completely ignorant white chick, I have to say this!
I have always found black women to be absolutely stunning! I mean, this is SUPER embarrassing to say out loud but when I was in high school, my singing friends and I had a little joke that we were the WIWB Club…standing for: Wish I Were Black. We were so envious of YOU!
Oh man, I really hope that doesn’t come across condescending, ignorant or just plain offensive because we meant it in a complementary way. It was that we all had “soulful” voices but we were never quite as awesome as our African-American role-models who we loved to listen to and imitate. Women who we also thought were stunningly beautiful, to boot.
I just seriously read your article with my jaw open because it made me realize how incredibly Canadian I am (west-coast, that is) because I have absolutely no exposure to this phenom of black women feeling inferior. And all this time, I have been in complete envy of you! And well, I remain so. 🙂
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This is exactly the point: all women have their insecurities or their problem areas. We all want some feature of someone else or think that if we could just have something someone else has, we could be happy. It always shocks us to find that even those people struggle with the same issues. The major problem for me is that it seems the American media is making major news out of the Black woman in a negative light. Women have enough self-esteem and image problems without being bombarded by this type of negative message and talk, you know?
Beauty and attractiveness are such subjective things. There’s no way I would print an article declaring one type of woman being the most or least attractive, because depending on who you ask, who that is would be different, and not all members of that race or ethnicity would be “attractive” (however we are qualifying attractive) anyway. But I think women need to start working towards self-acceptance and loving themselves where they are while still striving to be better, so that these attacks don’t damage us quite so much.
I appreciate your kind words, and no, I wasn’t offended. I know what you mean. We probably looked up to the same singers. I had my kitchen spoon concerts myself. 😉
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I think the fact that PT removed the post, proves just how offensive it was. Studies and statistics like these are ridiculous and can often be undertaken with some kind of agenda in mind. In my opinion they can be designed to turn out a certain way or come to a certain conclusion. Being white and Irish I feel a bit out of my depth to comment but I do just want to say that I thought it was a great post by you.
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You wrote an AMAZING post! (And put mine to shame! :)) I think the article goes to show how one person can list his opinion, and try to pass it off as a “study”. (Oh, if you want to read the article, I posted a link on my blog.) Kudos for saying what all Black women around the world should feel.
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