I wasn’t sure if the denotation would bear me out as much as the connotation would on this one, but low and behold they both agree with me. I should preface this by saying I am not a feminist. Yes, I am a woman and I think women should be afforded equal rights in the workplace and so on. I am certainly not a misogynist, nor an “independent” woman. If I had to qualify myself, I would say that I am a lady. So, if any of this offends your sensibilities, blame it on my vintage 1950’s “ladyness,” if that makes you feel better.
The dictionary definitions we will concentrate on for demand are as follows:
- something claimed as due
- a seeking or state of being sought after
- the requirement of work or the expenditure of a resource
The definitions of command I want to work with are as follows:
- to exercise a dominating influence over; have command of
- to have at one’s immediate disposal
- to demand or receive as one’s due
- to direct authoritatively.
For those of you who don’t like to read my long posts, the gist of this is: When it comes to respect, command supercedes demand in getting the desired results.
I have heard women for years going around demanding respect and that men treat them a certain way. They have demanded a lot of things, many of them successfully (at least to what they were trying to accomplish). We have better employment opportunities and are taken more seriously at work, although there is still room for progress. We have demanded the right to choose when it comes to childbearing, and have gotten it, though that battle still rages on. We have demanded to be treated equal to men, and boy, have we gotten it.
The thing is, we don’t want it. Women are inherently different to men, and in certain situations, we are demanding to be treated like ladies–soft, delicate creatures that men should treasure, instead of like other men in the street. It seems that by our demands–for respect, to control reproduction, for more money, for equal rights–we have somehow defeminized ourselves. It seems that men have taken it too far. Now, they won’t hold a door for you or stop cursing around you like sailors. They expect you to pay for your dinner and theirs. Some think they don’t need to bother with the niceties of dating; after all, we are all “sexually revolutionized” and don’t have to wait for marriage to express our sexual desires within the confines of a loving relationship.
I don’t have a lot of problems with the above mentioned things. I don’t get cat called on the street or have to deal too often with over aggressive men. I am like many other women– I work a full time job to support myself, have a college degree, everything I have I bought it, blah blah. Yet men open doors for me, offer me their umbrella, make sure I get to my car safely. Men alter their coarse behavior around me because they realize I don’t appreciate it. All with very little verbal coaching from me, if any. I’m just a commander.
The nature of a demand, according to the above mentioned definitions, is such that it requires work and expenditure for something you claim you should already be afforded. Basically, this means you are working for something that you should be getting for free, something that is due you as a matter of course. You are seeking after it, boycotting and picketing for it, but you just aren’t getting it.
Don’t get me wrong; there are some things that you have to demand, that no one is going to give to you just because it’s yours by rights, and I understand that. I’m not putting down the advances that women have made. I’m just saying that sometimes demands aren’t fulfilled, just like in the supply and demand relationship in economics.
Command is different. Soldiers know better than to contradict the commanding officer, even more so if they step out of bounds and receive the punishment. A commanding officer never has to give supporting arguments as to why you should follow instructions; they expect that their instructions will be carried out. Command works by influence, not by brow beating. Influence is to alter by indirect or intangible means. In other words, there’s just something about you. It’s not telling someone how to treat you verbally or physically forcing them to, it’s indirect.
How do you command respect? Expect what you project. If you want respect, you should project respect. Everything about you should be saying “respect me,” the least of which being your lips. I dress in a way that allows me to be respected. I respect other people. I reward displays of respect with a smile and a thank you. If you don’t respect me, I don’t demand that you do, I simply remove myself from your presence, and most men get the hint. I don’t have to brow beat or nag them not to smoke or drink in front of me, to stop cursing or treating me like one of the guys. I don’t act like a man or think like a man. Everything about me says lady, and that’s what they respond to.
I’m making this out to be easier than it is for some women. It’s been integral to me since I was young. It’s how I was raised. But I will give some more concrete tips and thoughts after work.
The bottom line, though: expect what you project, not what you demand. Or, actions speak louder than words.
That’s my two cents, anyway. Leave yours in the comments section.
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Great, great post. All so very true and relevant.
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From one lady to another, thank you for explaining the differences between the two. I absolutely enjoyed it.
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Love this!
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I came across this post while looking up the difference between command and demand. I think you gave a great explanation, so thank you for that. But I hope you’ve realized this by now, that if you believe in equal rights between men and women that still makes you a feminist. Men can also be feminists. You are a feminist. You may be a feminine feminist but you’re a feminist all the same.
And in regards to having doors opened for you and other chivalries offered to you; you made it seem like feminism wants to kill these things. But personally I feel that equality just means that people should be polite to one another regardless of sex. A man should be able to hold a door open for another man just as much as he should for a woman, and a woman should hold doors open for other women and other men as well. Sometimes I pay for my meal and the meal of the person who is accompanying me, sometimes I just pay for my own meal and sometimes someone pays for their meal and my meal. A woman can look out for another woman’s safety and she can look out for a man’s safety, and men can to the same for other men as well. There shouldn’t be one strict way of doing things solely based on sex/gender. To me that is true equality and mutual respect among all people.
You’re admitting that all women are different and have different preferences (some prefer being “ladies” and some don’t), But you’re stereotyping men, and by stereotyping them you’re justifying their bad behaviour. You’re saying that all men smoke and swear and are impolite to other men simply because they are men and they should only curb this behaviour when in the presence of a lady. Men are different too, if a man so chooses he can continue to be a vulgar pig around you regardless of how much of a “lady” you are or a man can be just as kind to you as he is to everyone else regardless of their sex and gender. In other words being a lady doesn’t make you special or superior, it doesn’t make you inferior either, but it just means you’re your own person, just like everyone else.
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Thank you for the comment. I don’t know how I missed it months ago, but I have been busy on my other site and am just now getting to read this one fully. I am not a feminist for two reasons: 1) I don’t choose to be (which, according to your view of feminism, is totally my right) and 2) I don’t think equal rights means what many who profess to be feminists thinks it means. I don’t want to be treated the same as a man. I’m not one. I’ve already discussed those views in the post and elsewhere on this blog, so no need to rehash here. Besides, the focus of the post is on the difference between demanding and commanding, the process by which you would, in my opinion, receive better results and things you actually want. I did not stereotype men or excuse their bad behavior. If you are looking to read this that way, you can, but it’s not what I said. I gave examples of things women have complained about to me–not holding doors, cursing around them, etc. I said I don’t have issues with these things or deal with many overaggressive men–meaning that more than rude over aggressive men who exhibit bad behavior populate the world and more often than not, I meet men who do not fit a “bad boy stereotype.” I don’t believe men (or women, for that matter) are “good” or “bad”, but I absolutely believe they are inherently different and respond differently to things. I agree people can still choose to act however they want for whatever reasons they want, but here’s the thing: I never ask people to act differently towards me. They choose to. And if they treat me in a way I don’t like, I get to choose not to interact with them. Respect is the cost for admission into my life, and it’s fine if you don’t want to pay but you’re not getting in. Many women don’t live that way. They try to demand someone respect or love them. They try to “win” or earn it instead of expect it and require it. THAT’s the point I was making. Sometimes demand doesn’t work the way we think it does. Being a lady doesn’t make me special or superior. I never thought that. What it makes me is a lady, a female person with certain standards and rules of engagement. Other things make me special. 😉
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Wow..really appreciate that..great stufff
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