Gah!

I’ve been having a torturous time trying to get my health and fitness back on track. It’s like someone has shown a beacon on me and put the word out that I’m working on this area. Free sweets and snacks have been falling from the sky! Free sundaes and donuts and pizza at my complex in the last three weeks. Free cookies, cupcakes, donuts, and paczki’s at my job. In several of those scenarios, merely avoiding the break room or office isn’t enough; people have brought the treats to my desk for me. Really?!

What’s also not helping is the fact that I’m facing some stressful situations in which cookies, cakes and pies would be welcome comforts. My rent for the new lease term is up $45 A MONTH–that’s nearly $600 for the year! I no longer have my discount for my phone, so my phone bill is up $38 a month. My car insurance term ends soon and I’ll be getting my new payment schedule, which could show increased or decreased payments. My student loans come out of forbearance and the first payment is due in May. I cannot forbear them any longer. I’m looking at an extra $300/month minimum when I have about $150 for gas and groceries every check as is. So if I don’t eat or drive, I’ll still fall short on bills.

Not to mention that joining a gym or buying healthier/fresher foods is expensive. So is buying essential beauty products, doing my hair, and having clean underwear.

Do you see why a cookie sounds like a good idea right now???

Between the rejection on Delivering Justice, the random bill increases, trying to improve my health and put more effort into how I look, being buried under a stack of book reviews and trying to clean/downsize my apartment, I’m a little overwhelmed by life. But I have realized a few things.

The first is that I feel the same without the cookies, cakes, pies, and huge bowls of pasta as I do with them, emotionally. Eating all that comfort food isn’t as comforting as it promises to be. Rejection and falling short hurts, but I can’t fill in the void rejection leaves behind with fatty, sugary, carb-loaded food. Neither can I use it as a reward to celebrate an achievement. At some point, I’m going to have to feel whatever it is I am trying so hard not to feel. Then I’m going to have to deal with those feelings in a way that actually addresses them. INEBIGTDIA.*

Another is that pronouncements of faith are going to be met with tests of that faith. There’s no way around it. That testing shows you whether or not you are committed to the belief you’ve expressed or the cause you’ve decided to take up. It’s not that I wasn’t aware that I should expect opposition when trying to achieve something but that every now and then we need to be reminded that acts of faith require sustained faith, not one time faith; sustained action and follow through, not one big push until you come up against a roadblock.

I have no clue how any of this is going to work out. My finances are a mess, my health is a mess, my writing has been rejected, my relationship isn’t going the way I thought it would, etc. No sector of my life is untouched by doubt. But I committed myself to being submitted to God, to going wherever He leads. Now is not the time to run around and try and fix anything. It may sound crazy, but I’m not going to do anything until I know what God would have me to do. I’m going to keep living, keep saying no to temptation, and keep asking God to help me and show me. I’m going to keep writing. I’m going to remain under the will of God. This is exactly where I need to be.