, , , ,

In about 32 days, I will be 30.


Yeah, I’m still processing that myself. In all of this day to day hustle and bustle of life, time has been marching on. That makes me sad to think about all of the days that I was just trying to get through, all the weeks I was looking forward to getting over and done with. It makes me want so much more for myself, to be so much more fulfilled.

I know what you’re thinking. “Of course you feel that way now. Thirty is just one of those birthdays where people have another quarter life crisis. You did the same thing at 25, and you might keel over from the crisis when you turn 40. Get over it.” It’s just another birthday, another day on the calendar. My life isn’t that bad, blah blah.

Here’s the thing, though. I didn’t sign up to live a life that’s “not that bad.” I didn’t sign up to live a life of mediocre days that I just wanted to be over so I could reach the weekend, my payday, my vacation time, etc. I am tired of wasting days that should be spent doing something that I feel adds to other people’s lives and pushes them closer to Christ.

It seems ungrateful of me, and downright stupid, for Christ to come so that I can have this more abundant life and I’m just…existing. Just…trying to make it. To just see glimpses of what it truly means to be living out my purpose. To see other people stepping out on faith and doing these great things and yearn for a chance to follow my dreams and ambitions that way.

I say none of this to negate the things I have accomplished and do enjoy in my life. God blessed me to write an amazing book. I’m starting to get requests to speak at events and have secured spots to be a vendor at others. I’ve been working on other writing projects and working to get more of them out into the world. I’ve been focusing on deepening and improving my relationships. I’ve seen a lot of growth within myself.

But sometimes, when I look at the complete picture of my life as an almost thirty year old, I feel like I’m behind. It can be difficult to restrain myself from trying to “catch up,” to believe that I’m right on time for my life. Things haven’t happened when I wanted them to, but they are happening when they are supposed to happen.

I have to be honest: sometimes it sure doesn’t feel that way. I could bury myself in I should have been statements. I read a story at least once a day of someone quitting their job to pursue their dream or their calling, or someone who decides to get married and plans this beautiful wedding in two months because they don’t want to wait to start life together. I see people who have fought their way into their dream jobs, who finally found homes to buy, who have birthed babies. I see all of these people who are where I thought I would be this close to thirty and far beyond. It’s not that what I had planned was so impossible, so unattainable; it just didn’t happen for me.

The other day after a particularly bad day at work, I sat in my car so frustrated. I longed to be able to listen to someone coming down on me for something so ridiculous and say, as calmly as you please “That’s cool. Consider this my two weeks.” But…bills. Responsibilities. Obligations. Necessities like food and water and lights. I don’t get to quit my day job to chase my purpose. If I don’t do whatever it is, there is no one else. If I’m ever going to be able to write and speak full time, it’s going to take a lot more time and planning.

As I’ve been examining every nook and cranny of my life, there are so many things that need to change, many of which are coming to a head. The time to act on them is at hand. I’m not going to worry about the things I can’t control, only those I can. In the next 30-ish days, I’m going to share what I’m going to be working on the year that I am 30.