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Little known fact about me: I love documentaries and “docu-series” about concerts. There’s something about seeing what goes on behind the scenes of performances which gives me a greater appreciation for the show an artist puts on. Seeing performers battle through all the glitches and personal issues to deliver a stellar performance adds a little something special to the pot for me. And I’m nosy. I want to know all the things that go into making the spectacle possible.

I’ve been watching Mariah’s World on E! When I heard about this show, I knew Mariah’s engagement was called off, but I didn’t know anything about the tour or what the show’s spin/angle would be. I wasn’t sure if they would address her broken engagement. I was in it for the behind the scenes peak into what makes a large production run. And to see if she hit her notes. Let’s be real. A couple of her live performances lately haven’t been up to par. Like I said, I’m nosy.

If you’re looking for a point to all of this, here it is: even in concert documentaries, everything you see is carefully curated. We rarely see the real, raw, behind the scenes action. Producers piece together story lines from the raw material. When someone you follow on Instagram posts a hi res photo of their kid having a meltdown or their face sans makeup with a thoughtful caption reminding you not to compare your life to their highlight reel, they aren’t showing you the worst moment of their day. No one stops in the middle of the truly messy moment to whip out their camera or phone and take a picture. They’re too busy trying to deal.

Indeed, we all live our lives this way to varying degrees. Despite our best efforts, all we can process is a carefully curated version of events in our lives. It’s easy to see things from our perspective and believe we are looking at the full picture. It’s easy to miss the nuances, the messages, the moments in which we messed up.  It’s difficult to be real, even with ourselves.

I have this radical goal. My word for 2017 is “share,” and I want to share with you. I want to be honest. But I realize the futility of trying to share everything. Once I start thinking about how to share information, it’s already being curated, placed into a more logical order. I’m drawing conclusions and putting more emphasis on the parts which support my conclusions. I’m thinking of ways to explain away the things which don’t fit.

This is a truth wrestling with since I read this line in The Souls of Black Folk by W.E.B. DuBois during D.E.A.R. in the eighth grade:

M]emory fails especially in small details, so that it becomes finally but a theory of my life, with much forgotten and misconceived, with valuable testimony but often less than absolutely true despite my best intention

If I’m really going to do this sharing thing, here, on other blogs, or in memoir form, the best I can give you is theory, a true account of my life from my perspective and what I can glean of others’. I’m going to have misconceptions about things that happen. I’m going to forget things. I’m going to gloss over things which may seem vitally important in later years. But I’m going to share, not only my life, struggles, and triumphs, but my God. I’ll share the people who are most important to me, the things I feel are imperative to say, and small things I believe will be important to remember later. Like…

I’m leading a book club. A  younger sister at church asked me to, and I said yes. We have our first meeting Saturday to discuss Make It Happen by Lara Casey.

I have a radio interview next month to talk about my books with my sister in Christ and her listening audience. More details to come.

I started C25K today, and it SUCKED. I got a cramp in my calf and my hip. I paused the program a few times. The 30 minute program took me 45 minutes, an average of two minutes slower per mile than I walk. But I finished.

This is my version of what happens when I stop being polite and start getting real (word to the reality TV show Real World).