Things I’m Learning in 2019…

Tags

Dating, friendship, goals, growth, life update, Men, New Year's Resolutions, perspective, relationships, steward, update, word of the Year

I met my word of the year with an immediate “no thank you” again this year. Again, it’s stretching me in ways I don’t want to be stretched and often don’t think I’m made to. I knew this word would be a year defining one, and it hasn’t proven me wrong.

There are a million reasons I did not want to take this word on this year, but the main reason is it represents the opposite of what I thought this year would be about for me. I was expecting explosive growth. I was hoping for a husband, a home, a big group of friends I could share my hospitality skills with, and more money to spend on what lights me up inside. In short, I wanted MORE. This word felt like God saying “no” to giving me the things I feel I’m lacking. I kicked against the prick, but all that did was drive it in deeper. I was stuck with it. My word of the year would be “STEWARD” whether I wanted it or not.

But a curious thing has been happening. Attempting to steward what I’ve already been given is not only making room for the things I hoped to have this year, it’s given me opportunities to actively acquire those things. For the most part, I’m discovering things I used to know and building on this knowledge to create a life that isn’t the disappointing one I was expecting.

One of the things I want to be a better steward of this year is my relationships. I hated this aspect of it because the last thing I wanted to do was settle here. I wanted to move to a bigger city with more eligible men and people my age I could befriend, a place with jobs I might be more interested in. I wanted new opportunities. Settling here felt like accepting a life of singlehood amongst people who could be my parents or grandparents and others my age who are all already married with children who didn’t have time to spare for me. But God surprised me.

My foray into online dating might be a failure thus far, but I’ve managed to cultivate some awesome relationships offline. I’ve made and deepened friendships with people I have things in common with across age groups and marital statuses. I have friends with whom I can dissect The Masked Singer, attend a ladies day or gospel meeting, grab lunch after service, or attend a regular game night. By attempting to be a better friend, relative or member of my local congregation, I’ve gained new friends.

One offshoot of this is relearning to navigate friendships with men. I used to have many male friends, but as I grew older, the number decreased to zero. This was mostly due to the distinctions and rules of engagement dictated by an interest in finding and marrying “the one.” Where I once prided myself on seeing the value of men as people and not looking on every man as a potential spouse, I began to place men in categories based on their eligibility and my interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with them. Although I’d heard and even believed friendship could lead to love, I excluded any men I was interested in dating from the group of men I could be friends with. Years of painful bouts with unrequited love taught me I couldn’t be just friends with a guy I liked. I equated friendships with men with accepting we’d never get together, and as a result, many amazing men never got the chance to be my friend, and many other amazing men who might have been interested in me romantically were left to die in the friend zone.

I didn’t know how to be a good friend to the male friends I had after that. I was so concerned with not giving them the wrong impression, I couldn’t relax or be myself around them. I was afraid if I joked with them they would think I was flirting, or if I slapped their shoulder when I laughed they would take it as some girlish way of expressing interest in a romantic relationship. In short, I didn’t know how to navigate male/female relationships.

But I’m slowly learning to navigate them again. I’m learning how to joke with my brothers in Christ or discuss common interests or share a meal without second guessing my every word or action. I’m learning  friendships can and do grow and change, and accepting a friendship can become something more (spoiler alert: in case you were wondering, this is not a rom-com or romance novel scenario where a friendship has turned into a romance, and none of my friendships are showing signs of doing so at the time of this writing).

It hasn’t been easy to steward these relationships well. There have been awkward moments and missteps. I’ve overthought things and caught myself reading into things. But I’m learning to laugh off the awkwardness. I’m learning not to assume everyone who does a certain thing is doing it for the same reasons I would or is trying to communicate the same things. I’m constantly reminded how asking leads to clarity and assumption leads to confusion and misunderstanding.

Relationships are only one pillar of my life I’m seeking to steward well this year. I can’t wait to share more with you on how God is growing my stewardship of other areas of my life.

How have you been tending to your relationships in 2019? Is there anything you realize you need to do differently in your relationships? Let me know in the comments.

XOXO,

Erica

Single Awareness Day 2017 & Other Non-Sequiturs

Tags

guest post, love, love chronicles, Single Awareness Day, Valentine, Valentine's Day

Sad Panda is sad.

It’s that time of the year where proposal season has its last big hurrah before it moves over and wedding season begins, friends. Anyone who knows me knows I love LOVE, and this year, despite my own epic fail in love, is absolutely no different. If you’ve read my book Altered before the Altar: Allowing God to Make You “Meet” to be Met, you know my motto is “Throw Rice, Not Shade.” I have no issues being happy for your engagements, weddings, new babies, or Valentine’s Day mush fest posts. What can I say? I’m a giver.

Speaking of giving, there’s something super awesome I want to give all my fellow singles in the lead up to Valentine’s Day. I’m a celebrator at heart, and being single has NEVER stopped me from participating (seriously, I’ve given myself the best gifts for Valentine’s Day a girl could ask for–candy, flowers, mixtapes, teddy bears, dinner and a movie, you name it). So I’ve decided to spread a little love in the lead up to the day many singles dread by sharing some love themed tales, interviews and op-eds filled with tips, tricks, and torpedoes for your day of love arsenal.

If you’ve been reading for a while, you already know I have some interesting tales for V-Day, like the time I went out on Valentine’s Day with 10 guys, my career as Cyrano de Bergerac,  or the time a guy told me he loved me and I said “what?” But you don’t know about the time my friend dated a guy with the nickname Chester the Molester (actually, I have two friends who dated two different guys with this unfortunate moniker), the first time I was serenaded by a guy, or what buses, bandannas, and Hershey’s Cookie and Cream bars have to do with my love life. I’ll bring on friends to share their funniest escapades, count down our all time favorite romantic comedies and love songs, even host a singles’ dinner and a movie mixer.

If all that doesn’t get you excited about the month of love, maybe this will: I’m running a special in my shop on Altered before the Altar and the study guide. Enter promo code LOVE at checkout, and get $5.00 off plus some fun free gifts with purchase until Friday, February 17. I’m also going to do a couple giveaways for a chance to chase your blues away with fun prizes. There may even be a free sneak peek into my next romance related release for those who participate.

Here’s to a whole month of love and happiness for all of us, friends!

XOXO,

Erica

Behind the Scenes

Tags

behind the scenes, fails, introspection, life, New Year's Resolution, share, wins, word of the Year

Little known fact about me: I love documentaries and “docu-series” about concerts. There’s something about seeing what goes on behind the scenes of performances which gives me a greater appreciation for the show an artist puts on. Seeing performers battle through all the glitches and personal issues to deliver a stellar performance adds a little something special to the pot for me. And I’m nosy. I want to know all the things that go into making the spectacle possible.

I’ve been watching Mariah’s World on E! When I heard about this show, I knew Mariah’s engagement was called off, but I didn’t know anything about the tour or what the show’s spin/angle would be. I wasn’t sure if they would address her broken engagement. I was in it for the behind the scenes peak into what makes a large production run. And to see if she hit her notes. Let’s be real. A couple of her live performances lately haven’t been up to par. Like I said, I’m nosy.

If you’re looking for a point to all of this, here it is: even in concert documentaries, everything you see is carefully curated. We rarely see the real, raw, behind the scenes action. Producers piece together story lines from the raw material. When someone you follow on Instagram posts a hi res photo of their kid having a meltdown or their face sans makeup with a thoughtful caption reminding you not to compare your life to their highlight reel, they aren’t showing you the worst moment of their day. No one stops in the middle of the truly messy moment to whip out their camera or phone and take a picture. They’re too busy trying to deal.

Indeed, we all live our lives this way to varying degrees. Despite our best efforts, all we can process is a carefully curated version of events in our lives. It’s easy to see things from our perspective and believe we are looking at the full picture. It’s easy to miss the nuances, the messages, the moments in which we messed up.  It’s difficult to be real, even with ourselves.

I have this radical goal. My word for 2017 is “share,” and I want to share with you. I want to be honest. But I realize the futility of trying to share everything. Once I start thinking about how to share information, it’s already being curated, placed into a more logical order. I’m drawing conclusions and putting more emphasis on the parts which support my conclusions. I’m thinking of ways to explain away the things which don’t fit.

This is a truth wrestling with since I read this line in The Souls of Black Folk by W.E.B. DuBois during D.E.A.R. in the eighth grade:

M]emory fails especially in small details, so that it becomes finally but a theory of my life, with much forgotten and misconceived, with valuable testimony but often less than absolutely true despite my best intention

If I’m really going to do this sharing thing, here, on other blogs, or in memoir form, the best I can give you is theory, a true account of my life from my perspective and what I can glean of others’. I’m going to have misconceptions about things that happen. I’m going to forget things. I’m going to gloss over things which may seem vitally important in later years. But I’m going to share, not only my life, struggles, and triumphs, but my God. I’ll share the people who are most important to me, the things I feel are imperative to say, and small things I believe will be important to remember later. Like…

I’m leading a book club. A  younger sister at church asked me to, and I said yes. We have our first meeting Saturday to discuss Make It Happen by Lara Casey.

I have a radio interview next month to talk about my books with my sister in Christ and her listening audience. More details to come.

I started C25K today, and it SUCKED. I got a cramp in my calf and my hip. I paused the program a few times. The 30 minute program took me 45 minutes, an average of two minutes slower per mile than I walk. But I finished.

This is my version of what happens when I stop being polite and start getting real (word to the reality TV show Real World).

XOXO,

Erica

Breaking Up is Good for Your Skin

Tags

break up, fired, life, moving, new beginnings, opportunity, perspective, relationships, work

Listen, Linda, listen. Things have been changing in my life faster than I can keep up.

If you’ve been reading for a while, you know one of my favorite quotes by Zora Neale Hurston is “there are years that ask questions and years that answer.” Well, 2016 was a year where questions were answered, and 2017 is shaping up to be more of the same.

I am not working for the company I had worked for since November 2008. After nearly eight years, I was canned. Yep. Don’t get me wrong; I was ready to go and was looking into other opportunities, but they were quicker on the draw than I was. I saw the writing on the wall, though. When they called me to the office, I didn’t have to do the walk of shame where they escort you to your desk while you pack your things up and then walk you from the building; I had already taken my personal effects home and took my purse to the meeting.

I’m not going to bash the company. At some points I loved working there. They gave me a lot of opportunities, paid me a fair wage and provided me with great benefits. But in the end, while it was a “good” job, they position I landed in wasn’t right for me. My only regret is I didn’t get to leave of my own accord, not because I wanted to show out when I quit, but because it makes finding a new position a lot harder when you have to check the box that you’ve been fired from a position.

Out with the old and in with the new, right? Except there is no new yet. I’ve had ample time to work on new books and products for Serious Season Press, but I haven’t found a full time job yet. Luckily I had some money I could use in the interim, but the interim needs to end soon. I’ve had the opportunity to do things I never thought I would be able to do with my extra time, and I’ve committed to making the most of it.

Another major life change is I’m single. After nearly nine years, Mr. Perfect and I have broken up. I can imagine your shock, but it’s been coming for a while. It’s been over two months ago now, and I’m doing fine. I’m getting back the bits of myself I lost in my relationship.

People have noticed some changes in me. “You just look so happy.” “Your skin is looking really good!” “You look like you are losing weight.” “You’re glowing.” “You seem more like yourself.” I’ve made a lot of positive changes which have resulted  in many of these good developments people are noticing aside from breaking up, but the break up was…freeing. I don’t have the pressure of when are we going to move forward or why aren’t we moving forward hanging over my head. I don’t have to police being me to suit someone or consider someone. I haven’t been single since I was 22/23, and I’m definitely not that girl-woman anymore.

Another major life change (I know, you’re like really Erica? We can’t stand any more) is I’m moving–again. Somewhere. As yet to be determined. But in the new few months. You see, my roommate is getting married in April (congrats Tasha!) and doesn’t want my team Super Single self underfoot when her boothang moves in (I totally made that up. I knew I’d be moving long before I was Super Single, but it might be true now). So I have to move.

It’s going to be super weird to be single, at a new job, in a new place. Weird but exciting.

There have been some positive changes, too. My relationship with God has grown so much in the past year or so. I have been praying more (using my Serious Prayer Journal which I’ve redesigned), using a quiet time journal (this awesome Give Me Jesus Journal from Life Lived Beautifully), and listening to Christian podcasts, music, and sermons. It may sound weird, but my own book, The Season for Getting Serious, has been a big help to me in this season, especially the chapter on grief, “Bitter, Broken, but Blessed” and the chapter “On the Run”. I’m pumped to dive back in to Altered before the Altar with a fresh perspective, and I’m working on the follow up, which is going to be refining in a way you may not expect!

I’ve gotten more writing and business planning done. I have a mission statement for Serious Season Press. I created a few prints which have been really popular. I have some exciting releases lined up for this year. I’ve been able to focus on what’s next with my writing in a new way. I have an accountability partner I trade writing with again. My pen has been moving swiftly.

I’ve traveled on my own. I have gotten in my car, thrown on a playlist or podcast, and covered hundreds of miles to share my work with other women who want a deeper relationship with Christ. I’ve heard some inspiring, convicting messages and connected with some women who are just as on fire for what God is doing in their lives. I’ve wanted to travel more for a long time, and it’s happening.

Maybe I’m just weird, but this has been a great season to me. Not for nothing. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and I would rather have not gone through ALL THE THINGS, much less at the same time. But for a long time, I’ve seen what many call failure as opportunity. I now have the opportunity to find a career instead of a job, a man who is just as exciting about marrying me and building with me as I am about it, and a place I can make into my home. I have the opportunity to discover who Erica Denise, 32 (in a month and ten days!), Christian, single, no kids, is. I have a feeling this is going to be a wild ride, and I’ve never shied away from that.

Hands Up (lap bar down,

Erica

The “Right” to be Depressed?

Tags

depression, mental illness, perspective, Social media, suicide

I usually don’t comment on controversy or controversial issues in a “large” forum. If you ask me my opinion, I’ll tell you, but I don’t volunteer it, especially if I have no dog in the fight. Through the past year or so, some pretty high profile people have committed suicide or admitted to suffering from depression and I’ve said nothing. I’ve seen the posts on Facebook, Twitter and elsewhere in which people say things like “All that money and still not happy? SMH” or “that person is so selfish to do that” and etcetera. I’ve seen people use it as an opportunity to air their personal views on whether or not someone is going to Hell for committing suicide, and even whether someone has the “right” to suffer from depression, and I haven’t said anything.

To be honest, I feel a little silly saying something now. My limited experience with depression a long time ago doesn’t feel relevant when someone has taken their life. Over the years, I’ve minimized my experience with it and rendered it unimportant, a footnote. I never had to take any medication, so it wasn’t that bad. I was just a little sad, understandable in the circumstances. My experience wasn’t sad enough, long enough or dramatic enough for me to consider myself to be able to talk about it. It was just a few silly feelings a really long time ago. But then I think “how many people are having these ‘silly little feelings’ and sweeping them under the rug when they really need help?” and I can no longer remain silent on this issue.

Depression has about as much to do with your socioeconomic status as happiness–which is to say absolutely nothing. Depression can be caused by chemical imbalance, life circumstances, certain personality disorders, childhood traumas, or any number of things that have nothing to do with the person you are when you are affected by depression. Depression is not a badge of honor for those who are poor or who aren’t famous. Depression is NOT a “right.” It doesn’t take into consideration social constructs like white male privilege or social stereotypes such as “black people don’t suffer from depression.” Depression is NOT a choice but a disease, an affliction.

My experience with depression was mostly circumstantial. I was at a low point in life where tests and trials just kept hitting me from all sides. I had a lot of classic symptoms, but at the time, I didn’t realize it. I suffered from insomnia. I didn’t want to go anywhere. My body ached for no physical reason. I was withdrawn. Even when I did make myself go out, I was isolated and experiencing everything from a distance. I gave myself many stern lectures to “get it together” that didn’t make a difference.

Things reached a head when I was walking along an overpass one day and thought about “falling” into the traffic below (you can read about that experience on my Copywrite1985 site in the Untitled Section under “Living on the Edge”). In that moment, not being around to deal with the tangle and the mess just seemed easier. I can’t speak for those who have committed suicide, but for me, in that moment, the constant buzzing in my head stopped. That was the clearest thought I’d had in a long time. I didn’t really have to do anything; all I had to do was let go, let gravity do all the dirty work. Then all of the hard things will be over. I’d never had that eery feeling before and I haven’t had it since.

The fact that I am still here and am not depressed has very little to do with me. I made the decision not to jump or “fall,” sure, but that was because as overwhelming as what I was going through felt, I knew there was a light at the end of that tunnel. As idealistic and patronizing as it sounds, I clung to God and He pulled me out. I know for some, they also need medication and intensive therapy, and I see no restriction or commandment against that for a Christian or anyone else. If changing your diet and exercising helps, do that. If seeing a therapist works, do that. If it’s not illegal or immoral and it works, do that.

Worrying about what other people will think can play into depression. It did for me. It can deepen the disconnect, prevent people from seeking help, and serve to isolate people from the resources that could help them. Thinking that you are supposed to be above depression because you’re famous, rich, a certain ethnicity, a certain religion, or anything else is a false notion. Minimizing depression and saying your just sad doesn’t make it go away. But I also know that getting over the worries of how people perceive you and how they will perceive you admitting to depression isn’t as easy as it sounds. Eight years later and I’m still struggling through this post.

The point, then, is to bring back some sensitivity to this area. If you haven’t lived through it, you can’t  speak to the effects depression can have and what it can influence people to do. Even if you have experienced it, it doesn’t mean that you can speak for or about everyone who has suffered with it. Sometimes as people we have to learn to keep our mouths off of other people’s situations unless it’s to pray earnestly for that situation. Someone’s illness is not fodder for us to gather likes for pithy commentary or deep thoughts, nor is it to further our personal agendas. It’s not for us to “be God” and pronounce judgments or make decrees as to who has the right to suffer. If anything, it’s a call to arms against an illness, a disease–not a person.

That’s my two cents, anyway. Leave yours in the comments section.

God bless.

XOXO

Erica

Lost Things

Tags

attitude, Christ, conviction, dilligence, importance, lost, parables, perspective, seeking, sinners

I have more fingernail/toenail clippers and tweezers than any one person should ever have. There’s a perfectly good explanation for this. Every time I would misplace a pair, I would look for them everywhere. I searched every plausible place for them and couldn’t find them. When I got tired of looking for them, I would buy another pair. This happened over and over again. It was like an epidemic with me.

While doing some much needed spring cleaning, I’ve come across many things I thought were gone for good, like all these pairs of clippers and tweezers. Isn’t it amazing how that happens? Sometimes when you stop looking for something, you find it. Yet finding all of those lost things convicted me.

In Luke chapter 15, Christ shares three parables about lost things. He tells us how they became lost, how people reacted to their being lost, how people found them, and how they reacted to finding them. Jesus spoke these parables when the scribes and Pharisees criticized him for receiving sinners, so it can be concluded that the lost He is illustrating here are lost sinners.

Brother Drummer did a wonderful set of lessons on these parables showing the uniqueness of each parable’s message as well as their similarities. The main things that stand out in my reading of the scripture are that none of these things know that they are lost; someone is looking diligently for them, and; when they are found, people are called together to rejoice over finding them.

In contrast, I had stopped looking for my clippers long ago and replaced them. I was pleasantly surprised when I came across them again, but I didn’t rejoice and I certainly didn’t call anyone to rejoice with me. This would be fine if it only pertained to clippers and such, but it doesn’t. As I gathered all of them into a pile, I thought about all of the lost people that I pass every day and never try to bring to Christ. I thought about all the people I’ve stopped seeing at church who I never went looking for. I thought about how little enthusiasm I am wont to show when people have been away and return.

It seems that I have an attitude problem. Even more troubling, I have a focus problem. Sometimes I get so focused on me, myself and I, what I’m going through, what I need to do, that I forget that seeking and saving the lost is important. More importantly, I forget that I’m not looking for something that can be replaced; I’m looking for people, individuals that are important enough to God that he sent me to look for them.

Perhaps reading this you realize that you’re like me. Maybe you haven’t been as enthusiastic about finding the lost as you could be. Perhaps there are some people you stopped seeing at church that you haven’t reached out to. Maybe you have a group that you keep up with and pray for but you’ve stopped looking for others to bring to salvation. If this convicts you in any way, go to the Father. Repent. Start changing your attitude toward seeking and saving the lost.

The truth is, those clippers and tweezers were never going to cry out to me to let me know where they were. They didn’t know that they were lost, and I didn’t care enough to continue looking beyond what was convenient for me. When I’ve lost something of greater importance, I refused to stop looking until I found it. It’s time to bring that attitude to the areas that God says are important. That’s my conviction, anyway.

XOXO,

Erica

This is part of an ongoing series of post pertaining to getting serious about who we are in Christ. You can go to www.aseriousseason.com to learn more about my pledge to make this time in my life The Season for Getting Serious. The graphic was created for me by Jada Prather.

What is God Doing?!

Tags

criticism, crossroads, decisions, fitness, goals, introspection, reflection, weight

I come from two large families–literally and figuratively. People tend to be short and on the heavy side on both sides of the family. No matter how skinny and fit they start out, most end up overweight. When I was younger, I was fit. I ran all the time and walked or biked everywhere.  I wasn’t in any organized sports and I wasn’t biking or running to maintain my weight; it was something I enjoyed doing. The fact I stayed in shape because of these activities was a bonus I didn’t even acknowledge.

Even though I wasn’t too concerned about my weight, I was always threatened with getting fat. It grew especially bad after I went to college. Every time I would eat anything in front of certain family members, they would joke that if I ate that I would “become one of the butt sisters.” They would point out that I was putting on weight and I needed to do something. They would pat my stomach or make comments on my body parts. It grew to be a constant battle to be around family because of the harsh criticisms. For perspective, at the time this was at its peak, I was 115-120 pound at 4’11: curvy, but not fat by any estimation.

Backing up in this story, I had low self-esteem for most of my life, mostly centered around my looks. All I had was a nice figure, long hair, and pretty eyes. I didn’t dwell on my perceived lack of looks because I was a genius, a literary prodigy. But in 2006, when the criticism reached its zenith, I was sitting out a year of college because of inadequate financial aid, living in a different state, working two and three jobs, and feeling so far off course no map could tell me how to get back on track. The very last thing I needed was to have my remaining virtues criticized.

It had taken me a while to find self-esteem, and everyone was knocking it down. I saw the weight gain as inevitable looking at both sides of my family and family history. I was fighting against the tide. I wasn’t intentionally letting myself go; it was biology. I could do my best and maintain what I could, but it was out of my hands.

But I had hope that one day, who I was would be enough for someone besides my immediate family. One day I would marry someone who loved me for who I was as a person, not just a physical body. I would be accepted, and we would grow better together in all areas, including this one. Someone would accept me where I was and be willing to start building from there.

My greatest fear was that my family would be right, that I wouldn’t get married because I talked too much and weighed too to be an attractive prospect. No one would be sold on me enough to marry me. I couldn’t be who I was and get married. My outside would be a bigger impediment than my inside was an attraction, and I would always fall short. I fell short with financial aid, writing, and all the things I had been good at; why would something I knew I wasn’t good at be any different?

People like to say God has a sense of humor when they find themselves in situations that they’ve actively avoided or with people they’ve actively avoided, like when people say your mate is a mirror and mean the other person helps them see things in themselves they weren’t able to see before. I believe that God makes us face things we don’t want to face for our growth and good. For me, one of those things is my how I look and the way I treat my body. I’m in a position where the thing I don’t want to deal with is the one thing holding me back from where I want to go, and I have no idea how to move forward.

Maybe I’m supposed to realize I’m worth more than my looks and walk away from demands that I fit into a certain mold physically. Maybe I’m supposed to learn to take better care of myself and still not accept a conditional acceptance from anyone. Or maybe I’m being nudged to conquer this because it’s holding me back in other areas in which God is trying to move me forward. I confess I have no idea what God is doing or why this has come to a head. But I know I’m going to give this my best shot–not to please others, or even myself, but to see what it is God is trying to show me.

XOXO,

Erica

Are You Really Ready?

Tags

introspection, love, marriage, marriage preparedness, relationships

I’ve been thinking during my time away from all things love about whether or not I’m really ready to take that next step. I watched a couple YouTube videos where people describe their deal-breakers, and the male perspective stuck out to me. It wasn’t just the particular things that he focused on that stuck out but how I would have measured up on his scale.

To be honest, this guy isn’t my type (great since he’s married), but the things that he said sound a lot like Mr. Perfect. Ignoring a perfect opportunity to branch out into how men are simple creatures (which is the truth wrapped in a lie sealed in an enigma in itself), I focused in on whether or not I could meet those things for Mr. Perfect. Then I thought about if I would want to.

One of the things that has come up a lot is the purpose of getting married. We’ve been hearing a lot of messages on the fact that marriage is not to make you happy. It’s not for you; it’s for the other person. It’s to illustrate the relationship between God and his church to the world. It’s for having and raising children to be God-fearing adults who model Christ for the world. All of which is wonderful and true, but none of which speaks to why anyone in their right mind would sign up for yet another thankless task like being a wife and mother. At this point, with this criteria, I could marry any guy that loved the Lord, wanted to get married and tickled my fancy. Marriage may not be about my continual happiness and may be intended to show Christ’s relationship to His church, but it should mean something to me that makes the trials and hardships that accompany it worth it. There should be something that sets my husband apart from everyone I could have chosen to live out this life with, that makes having to consider and care for him more than showing me how to submit to Christ’s will. I can be an example for the Lord single. I can be content single. I can help raise children in the Lord by teaching Sunday School, working with youth, speaking at youth conferences, and a multitude of things that have nothing to do with getting married and having babies. We can be good Christian men and women single. So when I think about if I’m ready to be married, I first think about why I should be married at all, or even if I should be married.

But I’m beyond that hurdle. I desire to be married. I want to have that one on one relationship with someone where I can love on them, care for them, pray for them, grow with them. I want the spiritual, emotional, physical and material benefits of such a relationship. But am I ready for it? Am I ready to be a submissive wife to my husband, to refrain from using manipulation to get my way? Am I ready to concern myself with another’s needs and wants, to buy into their dream and support them in it even when I don’t know how it’s going to work out? Am I ready to keep a house, both in a spiritual and physical sense? Am I ready to look the part, to be a beautiful crown? Am I ready to commit to someone else and their life decisions? Am I ready to be provided for to the best of his ability, to budget much more rigidly than I currently budget in order to ensure our family is financially fit? Am I ready to agree to go where he goes? Am I ready to be his biggest cheerleader? Am I ready to deal with family and friends and well-meaning associates who try to track their timelines, agenda and discord into our home and family? Am I ready to tow the party line and present the united front even if I disagree on the final decision? Is anyone ever really ready for all of that?

Maybe it’s best to get married when you are certain that the two of you can do life together and are confident this person is the right choice, not when you have all the answers to all of the questions. I used to be certain and optimistic, but having all of these years to consider, and all of this time to grow used to living to please God and myself without sharing my home and body have added dimensions to the discussion that weren’t present before. I believe that certainty and optimism, coupled with a strong faith and a certainty of being in God’s will for your life is so necessary for making a marriage work. I’m not saying go into marriage with rose-colored glasses, but I’m finding the longer it takes to make a decision, the harder it is to make. I think some of the areas I worry about my abilities in would be just fine if I were married. We’d figure it out together. It’d be a funny story to tell, one of those misadventures that start new chapters in your love story. As a still single person, they can turn into just another reason you’re still single, something you have to fix and perfect before you get married. I’m not sure if I’m even making sense, but these are the things I think about.

The biggest worry it’s hardest to fight at this point is the “what’s wrong with me?” worry. If you last five years on my job, you get an extra five days of vacation a year (which I will achieve this year in June!). If you are with Progressive’s auto that long, you get diamond status, where they’ll forgive minor accidents, lower your rate, and treat you like royalty. Longevity is positive in these arenas. But being in a relationship for six years and not moving for to marriage when you both agree that marriage is something you want is not a good thing. The thought continues with the observation that there’s obviously something that’s holding up progress. And what if that something is me, or something about me? What’s big enough to keep us from moving forward yet not big enough to break us up? That’s not to say that the problem has to be me or even my problem, but after all this time, it feels like it is. If we were both happy and content with where we were, then it wouldn’t be an issue that we aren’t moving forward. If I wanted someone to go to the movies or eat an occasional meal with for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t have a problem not moving forward to marriage.

But I’m honest enough with myself to concede that I want to have sex, to snuggle in bed on Saturday mornings, to make a house into a home, to cook and clean for my family, to go on vacations and plan a future together, to help my husband achieve his life goals, and maybe have a child or two somewhere along the way. An if this isn’t that, then there’s no need to continue down this road.

I bought Baggage Claim on blu-ray/DVD. In it, Djimon Hansou is a wealthy businessman who charms Paula Patton’s character. He’s funny and charming and well-traveled, and he wants her to travel the world with him. But he doesn’t want marriage. In the end she knows he’s not going to give her what she really wants and she lets him go instead of wasting their time. He respects her decision. I love that many of the men in the movie aren’t wrong, they’re just not right for her. There’s nothing wrong with going after the love you want and the person you want it with. I need to love the old geezer in the rocking chair beside me as much as I need to be all in with the seven pack wonder with big dreams and stars in his eyes.

I’m going to stop now. I am going to step away from the rom-coms and the keyboard. But I would be interested in hearing how you all have dealt with similar issues. What’s your two cents on marriage, how long you should date, your reasons for marriage, or story of a love you left behind because you knew it wouldn’t ever be what you needed it to be?

XOXO,

Erica

Changing Seasons

Tags

Birthday, faith, goals, love, progress, relationships, thoughts

This month, I’ll turn 29. Where has the decade gone?! Whenever it gets close to my birthday, my natural tendency to be introspective turns up a notch. I start to evaluate how the previous year had gone and decide what I want to accomplish in the next. My birthday, not New Year’s Day, is where the year starts for me. So this is a season of introspection and deep thought for me.

Y’all, I am so excited that Valentine’s Day marks the official end of the unofficial proposal season. That may sound strange coming from me, hopeless romantic and proponent of love that I am, but it’s true. I have really struggled the last couple (or few…our four) proposal and wedding seasons. I’m happy to like all your posts and attend all your weddings, but my own lack of progress in this area has really weighed me down. So I’ve taken time away from delving deep into the subject of relationships and stop following the blogs, TV shows, Instagram posts, etc. I’ve had a lot of downtime to pull away and think about what it is I want and need from my relationship, but the main purpose was to do something else, to think about something else. I can honestly save I’ve not only loved not being bombarded with others happily ever afters, but I’ve accomplished a lot toward other dreams I have.

Since October, I’ve done so much toward my goal of becoming a published author that it feels like it should have been a much longer period of time. This month, in honor of the new beginning my birthday symbolizes, I’m submitting my writing. I’m not sure if I will get a bite from an agent through Blind Speed Dating, or send directly to publishers afterwards, but someone besides my coworker, crit partners & Mr. Perfect will be reading my writing.

Reviewing has been going well, both for myself and for Harlequin Junkie. I love giving my opinion on the latest books and can’t wait to move forward with bringing my plans of publishing my own work to the masses. I want to thank so many of you for following my progress with writing and reviewing, and believing in me. I can’t wait to releases book worthy of your wait.

I have to get back to work, but I’ll write more reflections, and more themed posts, as the month wears on.

XOXO,

Erica

Celebrating Submission

Tags

anxiety, change, goals, silence, submission, surrender, tongue

If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, then you’ve seen my quotes from an old favorite I am rereading through new eyes, A Celebration of Discipline by Richard J. Foster. I’m not reading the whole book; rather, I’m rereading the section on the discipline of submission to start my year long focus on submission. So far, I’m seeing a lot of things, both in the text and in myself, that I did not see before.

I’m having a rough time adjusting to some of the changes I’ve been making, and I’m not the only one. Change is never easy for me, and getting so far out of my comfort zone is an exercise in humility and tongue biting like I’ve never had before. In ..A Celebration of Discipline, Foster states that “usually the best way to handle most matters of submission is to say nothing.” That’s a hard one for me. As someone who feels the need to justify, clarify, and be taken seriously, it’s difficult sometimes not to say exactly how I feel. I’m used to picking and choosing my words carefully, but having to say nothing, to just surrender it and watch God work it out is both a relief and an anxiety.

The thing is, I can already see how much my decision to change has affected my environment. I already see God working. My boss asked me to organize my workspace a certain way. I happen to think that I work just fine in my workspace the way I had it organized, but at the same time, changing it to suit her wasn’t going to make it more difficult for me to get things accomplished. So I began to work on it. My workspace is a lot more efficient, my boss is happy with it, and I still get work on. A coworker even gave me a Sony alarm to play my iPod on that fits a lot better into my workspace, an unexpected bonus that allowed me to bring my sound bar home to enjoy.

There have been a few small victories and a LOT of anxieties and uncertainties. There have been a lot of moments when I want to give up and slide back into old habits, especially when it comes to the tongue. But I have no doubt that I’m going in the right direction, even with things around me start to look a little unfamiliar.

I hope that the lesson today at church is just what I need to hear to keep me encouraged.

XOXO,

Erica