What Would You Do?: The Break Up Edition

Tags

break up, coping, emotional, healing

I asked this question on Twitter, but I didn’t get much of an answer, so let’s see what happens here. When you go through a break up, what do you do? How do you get yourself together, or do you even need to get yourself together?

I haven’t been through a real “break up” before, so the closest I can come to it is to losing a loved one (which is probably way worse, depending on who it is, right?). I found out my stepdad died on a Tuesday evening. The next day, I got up and went to work. When I told my boss (where I was not a permanent employee) that I needed to take some time off for the funeral, he asked me if I wanted to go home. “What for?”

You see, I like to be busy when I have to deal with bad things like this. I will go to work, cook, clean, serve folks. That’s what I did then. I went home and I served plates and refilled drinks, I helped the children, I cleaned the house for my mom, I supported her through the funeral. I turn all that frantic energy into something focused. I pray, whenever I can get my wits together for long enough to, the entire time. Cleaning and being busy helps me think clearly.

I know other people who aren’t like this. I know people who like to call me (go figure) and cry out every detail (in confidence, of course). They just have to tell someone their side of the story, what happened, how they feel. They want to know what I think they should do. Then they ask someone else…and someone else. Eventually, I guess, all this retelling begins to take the sting out of it.

Some people like to be alone with the ice cream like in the movies, or they cut their exes out of pictures. Some disappear into self-improvement. I’m sure some damage cars and personal property of the no-longer boo.

So, what do you do following a break up? How do you get yourself over the hump emotionally and begin to move on with your life? Leave a comment in the comments section or email me at 2blu2btru4u@gmail.com.

XOXO

2blu2btru

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Funeralizing Folks

Tags

coping, death, father, funeral, loss, Pink Susie, stepdad

I know I should be getting ready, but I’m not sure if I will be able to write after the funeral, so I wanted to get some things down before. I am almost certain that today will be a trial to the nerves in some way or another. Mr. Perfect and I are driving 2 1/2 hours up to where the funeral is being held today, which can be trying at any time, but especially in the cold and sleet/flurries. I haven’t anything but slacks in black, so no dress for me. My dad may be back down, with his somewhat pessimistic view of all things funeral. I don’t know what specific event triggers that, but there has to be one. He goes on and on about Black funeral cliches and stereotypes. “Who’s going to sing the song and break down halfway through? Who’s going to fall out on the casket and ask to go with them?” Etc. It is my thought that whether or not you feel that these are all contrivances is irrelevant; not only could these be real people’s real feelings about the deceased overwhelming them, my father is “an elder” in his church. I feel that any man of God I want ministering to me should have a bit more compassion. I know my day, but others may not, and take what I see as a coping mechanism of his own with a loss to be something like rudeness, of mocking a dead person’s loved ones. Even other family members may in the least feel offended that he would scruntinize and find their mourning ungenuine. Death is one area I feel you cannot know another person’s feelings from outward appearance, especially at a funeral.

When my stepfather died, I only cried on solitary tear at the funeral towards the end. It never looked like him to me, I never associated the body in the casket with him, and so I was able to be a support to my mother and brother. I stayed busy the whole time I was in Michigan, filling glasses, fixing plates, making meals, finding ways to keep my mother occupied, and keeping folks from getting too drunk and acting too much of a fool. Since returning, I’ve cried quite a bit. It’s hard for me to be emotional in front of people. My instinct is to offer support to others who may be hurting more than myself, to keep procrastinating on dealing with the fact someone is gone. Someone observing me might think I was cold hearted and cared nothing for the person because I’m not weeping copiously, but that’s not my way. So in that way, I understand that maybe the way my dad comes across isn’t how he really feels, especially in this situation.

I don’t know what shape Pink Susie will be in. Part of the reason I call her Pink Susie here is tied to the deceased; it was a nickname given to her because the deceased always bought her a little pink dress for Easter, all these pink things. Pink was the deceased favorite color. Thus far, she’s been planning the funeral, making arrangements for the business as she is leaving, and finding hotel rooms for people. Organizing and supporting, like me. I feel bad for her more than anyone, because I know what’s coming in the solitary moments. We are so much alike in some ways it’s scary. I hope I’m wrong in this one.

That’s enough for now; it’s making me weepy. I have to bear up and support her, and who knows who else. I’ll deal with my own piddling grief and fond memories later. Pray for our drive up and down, and for everyone traveling to and fro in this dreadful weather.

2blu2btru