Things I’m Learning in 2019…

Tags

Dating, friendship, goals, growth, life update, Men, New Year's Resolutions, perspective, relationships, steward, update, word of the Year

I met my word of the year with an immediate “no thank you” again this year. Again, it’s stretching me in ways I don’t want to be stretched and often don’t think I’m made to. I knew this word would be a year defining one, and it hasn’t proven me wrong.

There are a million reasons I did not want to take this word on this year, but the main reason is it represents the opposite of what I thought this year would be about for me. I was expecting explosive growth. I was hoping for a husband, a home, a big group of friends I could share my hospitality skills with, and more money to spend on what lights me up inside. In short, I wanted MORE. This word felt like God saying “no” to giving me the things I feel I’m lacking. I kicked against the prick, but all that did was drive it in deeper. I was stuck with it. My word of the year would be “STEWARD” whether I wanted it or not.

But a curious thing has been happening. Attempting to steward what I’ve already been given is not only making room for the things I hoped to have this year, it’s given me opportunities to actively acquire those things. For the most part, I’m discovering things I used to know and building on this knowledge to create a life that isn’t the disappointing one I was expecting.

One of the things I want to be a better steward of this year is my relationships. I hated this aspect of it because the last thing I wanted to do was settle here. I wanted to move to a bigger city with more eligible men and people my age I could befriend, a place with jobs I might be more interested in. I wanted new opportunities. Settling here felt like accepting a life of singlehood amongst people who could be my parents or grandparents and others my age who are all already married with children who didn’t have time to spare for me. But God surprised me.

My foray into online dating might be a failure thus far, but I’ve managed to cultivate some awesome relationships offline. I’ve made and deepened friendships with people I have things in common with across age groups and marital statuses. I have friends with whom I can dissect The Masked Singer, attend a ladies day or gospel meeting, grab lunch after service, or attend a regular game night. By attempting to be a better friend, relative or member of my local congregation, I’ve gained new friends.

One offshoot of this is relearning to navigate friendships with men. I used to have many male friends, but as I grew older, the number decreased to zero. This was mostly due to the distinctions and rules of engagement dictated by an interest in finding and marrying “the one.” Where I once prided myself on seeing the value of men as people and not looking on every man as a potential spouse, I began to place men in categories based on their eligibility and my interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with them. Although I’d heard and even believed friendship could lead to love, I excluded any men I was interested in dating from the group of men I could be friends with. Years of painful bouts with unrequited love taught me I couldn’t be just friends with a guy I liked. I equated friendships with men with accepting we’d never get together, and as a result, many amazing men never got the chance to be my friend, and many other amazing men who might have been interested in me romantically were left to die in the friend zone.

I didn’t know how to be a good friend to the male friends I had after that. I was so concerned with not giving them the wrong impression, I couldn’t relax or be myself around them. I was afraid if I joked with them they would think I was flirting, or if I slapped their shoulder when I laughed they would take it as some girlish way of expressing interest in a romantic relationship. In short, I didn’t know how to navigate male/female relationships.

But I’m slowly learning to navigate them again. I’m learning how to joke with my brothers in Christ or discuss common interests or share a meal without second guessing my every word or action. I’m learning  friendships can and do grow and change, and accepting a friendship can become something more (spoiler alert: in case you were wondering, this is not a rom-com or romance novel scenario where a friendship has turned into a romance, and none of my friendships are showing signs of doing so at the time of this writing).

It hasn’t been easy to steward these relationships well. There have been awkward moments and missteps. I’ve overthought things and caught myself reading into things. But I’m learning to laugh off the awkwardness. I’m learning not to assume everyone who does a certain thing is doing it for the same reasons I would or is trying to communicate the same things. I’m constantly reminded how asking leads to clarity and assumption leads to confusion and misunderstanding.

Relationships are only one pillar of my life I’m seeking to steward well this year. I can’t wait to share more with you on how God is growing my stewardship of other areas of my life.

How have you been tending to your relationships in 2019? Is there anything you realize you need to do differently in your relationships? Let me know in the comments.

XOXO,

Erica

Thoughtful Thursday: Nothing You Can’t Give Back

Tags

advice, break up, Dating, love, relationships

Over the years, I’ve heard (and given) a lot of advice on how to navigate the dating waters. I think the piece of advice that has stuck with me the most was shared a few months ago from the pulpit. Bro. Drummer, in his usual fashion, had somehow taken a detour to talk about relationships, and was sharing a piece of advice he had given to his son. He said that he told his son never to take anything from a girl that he couldn’t give her back if the relationship didn’t work out. Hmm…

I sat thinking about this for a while, especially in light of my book (queue the *she’s talking about her non-existent book again?! groans) and my current relationship. Even being as intentional as I have been about not dating until I was “ready” to be married and not dating anyone who wasn’t “marriage material” for me, there’s no protection from being wrong about someone or it not working out. The reality is you may break up. Breaking up is hard to do, but there are things you can do to lessen the blow.

Taking nothing you can’t give back is integral to my approach to dating in theory. Of course, there are always things you can’t really give back. For example, I won’t be repaying all the money Mr. Perfect spent on food, parking and gas during our nearly five years together. I’m equally positive I wouldn’t see a return on all of the meals I’ve cooked for the two of us either. But the really important things, the things that create such soul ties to one another, haven’t been exchanged.

There’s a decided lack of chemical bonding due to lack of a sexual component to our relationship. We don’t have a child together. We haven’t purchased any property together. I haven’t even made that scrapbook of our relationship yet (which I’ve been threatened to complete and given a deadline on, LOL)!

But you know, there are a few things that you can’t give back that you can’t prevent giving or receiving. For example, memories and experiences. A LOT of memories have been created the past…four years and nine months (o_O). We have shared a lot of laughs, discovered shared loves of a lot of things, served at church events together, taken a trip or two together. We’ve met a lot of each other’s family members and spent time bonding with them. I can’t give back my love for Grandmother Perfect or the time we explored an old battleship in Mobile. Those are mine to keep.

Relationships are an investment, and every investment has a risk factor, however tiny. It’s one of the things we must evaluate and pray about as we begin to imbark on them, in every relationship area of our lives. I’ve had some pretty painful break ups with friends–people that I’ve trusted, shared secrets with, thought were in my corner. It can be difficult to emotionally recover from having your trust violated, or having your vision of forever meet up with a hard reality.

In any case, I think this piece of advice is valid. The one who makes the concrete commitment of marriage should be able to receive certain gifts, gifts that can only truly be given once. This necessitates an examination of our motives and ultimate goals that “seeing where it goes” does not. I like the thought of being heart whole and happy again one day soon after a break up, eventually being able to smile about the memories and not be a bitter fruit on the tree.

What’s the best dating/relationship advice you’ve received?

Related articles

• How to Survive a Breakup in Three Steps: Escape, Heal, Return (prweb.com)
• Imagine the relationship – Not the partner (mhutchess.wordpress.com)
• Breaking up is hard to do (laughlovebeauty.com)

Why Wait?

Tags

clarity, confirmation, conformity, Dating, lust, open relationships, pre-marital sex, relationships, sex, speaking, teens

I’ve been asked to be a parent of a marriage and family seminar at church, speaking to the teenage girls about purity and dealing with the opposite sex. I was giving the working title of “Why Wait?” but I’m sure I can come up with a more age appropriate, thought provoking title than that.

I’m excited to have the opportunity to speak, to impart some of my experiences and the things I’ve learned to the young ladies of the congregation, but I am also excited about what this means for my book project. Not only will I be able to test out some of my material on a live audience and possibly garner some future interviews, or even sells, I will be able to learn something from the young ladies about what is happening today with teens. But by far the biggest personal benefit to come from this is simply confirmation.

I’ve never had so many positive reinforcements that I was working on exactly what I should be working on as I’ve had with this project. When I’m writing part of it, the words flow as if I’m just jotting down what someone is saying to me. People who have no idea what I’m doing encourage me to continue on with it, saying things like “you should write a book about that.” Every time I get stuck, someone begins talking to me on that very same subject and sparks a breakthrough. When I got sent to help out with a different department at work, that positive career step unblocked me enough to write more pages in a day than I have since my college days. Different things I need to address come up in the news or I see while I’m out somewhere. Just talking to my minister about this topic got me on the program. It’s like this book is writing itself and the opportunities to market it or try out the material keep coming up.

But back to my workshop this Tuesday. I’ve divided the topic of purity into two distinct subtopics: physical purity and spiritual/emotional purity. The emotional purity portion will segue neatly into dealing with the opposite sex. I’m using Joshua Harris’ I Kissed Dating Goodbye in this section, making use of his Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating and one or two simple principles that I’ve used in my own life and relationships to explore what dating is about, what it does, and if/when people should date.

I’m going to use examples of biblical people and couples to illustrate my points about the influence of the opposite sex, attraction, lust, avoiding temptation, the importance of spiritual and emotional purity, the value of true fellowship, how to have clarity in relationships, and “how to go against the flow without being swept along.”

We all have to live in the world, but we are called out of the world, to be different, a “peculiar people.” At no age is this harder than as a teenager/young adult. Everything in our society tells them to conform or die a social death, to fit in, to not draw attention to yourself. Some of the elders in my life use the phrase “go along to get along;” that’s what the world calls us to do, and that’s what we have to stand up against…even when “the world” is our own treacherous flesh.

So, how do we do that?

If you are in the Orlando area, I invite you to come and find out on Tuesday, December 6th, at 7:30pm (hopefully :-)) to the Westmoreland Drive Church of Christ (215 N. Westmoreland Drive Orlando, FL 32805); if you’re not in the Orlando area, you may be able to find it here or purchase it…I have some kinks to work out with what I want to do there. I’ll keep you posted.

XOXO

2blu2btru

P.S. I’m going to be addressing the last comment to my blog on the post “All I Want is Forever” here tonight after the first day of our Marriage and Family Workshop. Until then, I invite you to read that post, along with “Love, Marriage & Potato Chips” and my three pieces on Open Relationships (here, here, and here).

It’s a Question of Time

Tags

BMWK, Dating, engagement, timeframe

I’m always curious to know what other people think about things– not to reinforce or contradict what I think, but just to see where everyone else in tge world is. I accepted a long time ago that I’m not in step with most people, and I find the differences fascinating.

What I especially love is when people give definitive answers to subjective questions, because then you get to see what someone thinks will work for everyone. Many people dance around drawing any definite boundaries or saying something has to be a certain way, but through the wonders of the internet, some people are unashamed to tell you what to do with your life. And I like it.

The two posts I am referring to specifically are posts on Black and Married With Kids. They each ask a question: how long to date before getting married, and how long to be engaged? The writers gave a similar response for both questions: somewhere between 1-2 years. The commentary was largely in agreement, with others giving outliers of personal experiences, both of themselves and people they know. Most commentors dismiss most reasons given for longer courtship or engagements as excuses. Just get married already!

Being no stranger to the when are you getting married question and having been in a relationship longer than the prescribed amount of time, I find this a fascinating phenomenon: that we live in a society that punishes us for conformity on the one hand, and condemns us for not being “normal” one the other. This isn’t just in relationships, but with our weight/appearance, sexuality, etc. I can be homosexual and you can’t say that’s wrong, but being a virgin at a certain age leaves you open to scientic research style study, ridicule, and scorn. Being deathly skinny gets whispers behind your back, but being obese gets embarrassing commercials, public ridicule at comedy shows, and exhortations to get skinny by any means necessary. We are a nation of hypocrites, my friends.

But getting back to the question of time. I want to know what you think about this. How long is too long to dat or be engaged? What is the hold up? What’s the rush?

Xoxo

2blu2btru

Love Chronicles Interlude: Fear of a BlackPlanet

Tags

BlackPlanet, Dating, horror stories, love, online meetups, relationships

(If you don’t know where the title for this edition of the Love Chronicles comes from, google it; I’ll wait…)

Note: This is not the continuation of where I was going with the Love Chronicles. This is an interlude (aka, a way to delay embarrassing myself for one more entry.)

Back when I was in high school, pre-Facebook and Twitter, African-Americans had one primary way of “meeting” other people, one profile we referred people to–BlackPlanet. Everyone had a BlackPlanet page in my area. You could stay online friends, date, or whatever else you were trying to do socially (and would later use facebook for). With the creation of my BP account, the craziest experiences I’ve had with love and dating began.

Remember the guy from the “I Love You” “What?” post? How about the two friends from “You & My Best Friend”? I met all of them on Blackplanet, and many more. I’ll never forget the guy whose profile picture was of himself (in his bathroom, of course), clad only in a Mickey Mouse towel draped around his hips. Or the guy whose whole profile was nothing but shoes and cars he couldn’t afford.

Social networking (and, I imagine, online dating) can be a crazy place to look for love; BP certainly never did me any favors. I want to hear some of your crazy experiences with social networking and online dating–whether it’s facebook, myspace, twitter, BlackPlanet, a blogging site, Match.com, Plenty of Fish, eHarmony, LinkedIn, etc. It can be a successful experience (that led to a date, a relationship, a marriage, a great networking opportunity, a book deal, fame and reknown) or a complete and utter failure. Just leave your two cents in the comment section.

Wednesday Wisdom: Leave Room for the Holy Spirit

Tags

Christianity, clarity, Dating, God, guidance, Holy Spirit, love, marriage, Prayer, relationships, Wednesday Wisdom

“Leave room for the Holy Spirit” sounds a lot more restrictive than the six inch rule we had in my Upward Bound program. When we had dances, there were two rules Orma gave us: remain vertical and at least six inches apart. I would have been more impressed with the Holy Spirit thing myself; after all, I’m sure the Holy Spirit takes up more than six inches of space.

Sometimes in my relationship, I find I’m a little too close to it. It’s like sitting right in front of a TV or a movie theater screen: the picture becomes blurry and your neck and eyes begin to hurt from trying to make out what you’re looking at. The more I focus on any one part of it, the less discernable the whole picture becomes, never mind the tiny speck I’m looking at.  After your emotions become all wrapped up in this person, it can be hard to determine what you have in front of you. That’s where the Holy Spirit Rule comes in.

There’s a reason you are in a relationship. For me, that reason is I want to be married someday. I decided when I was younger that I wouldn’t date anyone who wasn’t dating to find a spouse. I don’t do casual dating. I wasn’t actively seeking someone to date, either. I was high off of I Kissed Dating Goodbye  and past bad experiences just trying to befriend men. I was just going to focus on the three Fs: Faith, Family/Friends, and Future. When the time was right, God would send me someone. In the meantime, I had plenty to keep me busy. No use pining for a man; it was past time to leave it up to God.

The thing is, not too long after starting to date Mr. Perfect, I wanted control back. I didn’t want to wait for the scene before me to come into focus like a Polaroid picture; I wanted to know what this was NOW. I wanted to know where we were, how long we were going to be staying there, and where the next stop was. I was ready already. Leaving meeting someone up to God was well & good, but I could take it from here, right?

Nope. Now, my feelings are involved. Time has been invested. Discussions have been had. I’m feeling some type of way about what I should be seeing and what the future should hold.But that’s my perception. There’s this whole other person involved, this person that once I’m stuck with, I’m stuck with. So before we get all over anxious and overheated, we need to step back and see one another through the clarifying lense of the Holy Spirit.

The Holy Spirit is that wise, overly observant friend that you have that always sees the bend in the road that catches you by surprise. He knows how to say what you meant to say when you’re incapable of communicating it. He’s the person that you pour your heart out to and who helps you make sense of all the mess. He reminds you of all the things you promised God and that God promised you. He’s your conscience and your caution.

In relationships, there are many things we may not see coming, but we should. There are many relationships we shouldn’t be in, but we don’t realize that until we are deep in them and can’t seem to break free. The warning signs are there and the danger zones are clearly marked, but we’re moving so fast and so focused on our goal, whatever it may be, that we just don’t see them.

Of all of the advice I could give two Christian people endeavoring to have a relationship that’s pleasing to God, I would say leave room for the Holy Spirit. God should be at the center of everything, most especially the most influential relationships in our lives. There’s much debate on whether or not Christians should date & how our dating should look as opposed to how the world dates. There is debate in our society on what you should or shouldn’t do before you get married. There is debate on how you pick the right mate. But as a Christian, there should be no debate when it comes to whose word you take. No matter what society or your peers are doing, you are responsible for you and the relationships you have; you want be judged by or held accountable for what anyone else is doing, nor should you base your decisions in relationships upon the decisions of others.

There are some things that I believe are clearly defined for me in the word of God: not fornicating, rather treating your body as a temple of God, a holy sacrifice; not lying, rather letting your yea be yea and nay be nay; loving others as yourself, and etc. Other things, we must infer or follow the examples given. As a Christian, the Holy Spirit is always dwelling within you as long as you are doing God’s will. You always have that spiritual guide who works with God’s word in your heart. Don’t allow your attraction or affection for another person to squeeze him out, to shut God out. God ordained marriage; He realized man needed a helpmate and companion and provided one. Following Him will never prevent you from having the man or woman He has for you. If there is no room for God in your relationship, then this isn’t the relationship He had in mind for you.

Never stop praying for clarity, to know the purpose someone has in your life, to be able to see what God wills for the relationship. Be prepared to accept the answers. Who you will marry (and indeed if you will marry at all) is the second most important decision of your life, behind whether or not you will follow Jesus; it shouldn’t be taken lightly or entered into before you can see the full picture.

Even if you don’t profess to be a Christian (and thanks for reading this far, btw), don’t ignore the little voice inside you trying to get you to step back and gain some perspective. If you’re relationship can’t stand scrutiny, it probably won’t be able to withstand all the other problems life will throw at you. There are always warning signs and danger zones, if we will take the time necessary for the entire picture to develop. Oftentimes, that requires space as well as time, some time spent out of one another’s company to check in with your expectations and requirements, to come back to the relationship with fresh eyes (yet another reason I’m not a fan of cohabitation without a marriage contract–not enough space/time apart from one another).

That’s my two cents, anyway. Feel free to leave yours in the comments section. Note: More marriage kit interviews are being typed and will be posted soon. Until then, see the second part of my interview with the Lincolns here. Part I can be found here.

Related articles

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• The Holy Spirit in You and With You (ptl2010.wordpress.com)

Weigh Station Relationships

Tags

Dating, love, relationships, Rest area, Truck, Truck driver, Weigh station

*This is the entry that I was supposed to post yesterday, but the running thing was weighing heavier on my mind.

Traversing I-4, the road between my home and church/Mr. P.’s side of town/downtown/everything else in Central Florida, I pass a weigh station. It’s always full of trucks and truckers, moving swiftly into and out of the flow of traffic, carrying loads to and fro. While coming up with ideas on how to address the second half of the un-timatum debate, my mind meandered over to weigh stations. How many people are in weigh station relationships and don’t even know it? How many people know it and are praying the other person doesn’t mistake it for more than what it is?

In case you are unfamiliar with weigh stations, I’ll give you a brief depiction (in my limited knowledge) of a weigh station. Weigh stations serve two primary functions: as a rest stop for truckers and the place where a load is weighed. A tired trucker, rather than just pulling over on the side of the road or into an empty parking lot after hours, can pull into a weigh station and get some much needed rest. He can stretch his legs, go to the bathroom, maybe grab a snack or a nap. He can also get his load weighed. A truck is weighed a few times along the journey to ensure it’s carrying everything it’s supposed to be carrying–no more and no less. They have some trucks now that are equipped with technology that allows them to drive through weigh station checkpoints, virtually checking the weight so the driver can continue on it’s way without stopping, but initially, every truck had to stop at weigh stations along its route. It had to be at weigh stations at certain times to ensure the driver was still on schedule. It was a checkpoint, if you will.

Weigh station relationships fall into two similar categories. People in weigh station relationships are either resting in the relationship or using it to evaluate themselves. Some people are only in certain relationships because they need a break from the kinds of relationships they’ve been having. These weigh station users aren’t interested in changing the types of relationships they are having in order to find true love; they just want a rest before reentering the fray, some refreshment for the rest of the long journey. Others are in these relationships to “take stock” of things and see where they are in the journey. While the person is evaluating their load, their progress, or their schedule, they are involved in a relationship that they think will better help them evaluate how far they’ve come and what they have to offer.

I’ve identified five major categories of weigh station relationships. If this sounds like your relationship, don’t take offense. I am not using your experience to poke fun at you (as I probably don’t know about it). However, if it does sound like the situation you’re in, it may be time for a “State of Our Union” Address.

1. The Rebound: This is a classic weigh station relationship. When we experience a break up, we may want to try and get right back out there. The trouble is, we haven’t properly healed from the previous relationship. Perhaps you fall into a relationship with someone who’s always expressed an interest in you that you really didn’t return. It’s comforting to be wanted. Or perhaps you find a man completely opposite of your ex (on the surface). Either way, you are picking a new mate based on an old one, constantly comparing the two. You may still be bitter and angry about the way things went in the previous relationship. Maybe you’ll decide it’s too soon to be in another relationship and break it off. Maybe you’ll meet someone new. Hopefully, you won’t hurt someone and push them into a rebound relationship of their own.
2. The Half-time Show:  Some people have no real interest in a relationship other than to be entertained. Perhaps money is tight and they want to go out. Maybe they are bored. It could even be that you are willing to lavish gifts, trips, and praise upon them. Whatever the reason, some people are in relationships to have someone else feed them and/or buy them things. This includes your golddiggers as well as the pretty girl who knows you will do whatever it takes to get a little attention from her. This is also the guy who calls you for sex and homecooked meals. These people are in it to use you for whatever they can get from you.
3. Hook-up to Healthy: This is the relationship that starts with two people hooking up. Maybe the sexual relationship was/is so wonderful, you decide to try and make it a “real” relationship. The trouble is, you have the cart before the horse. You and this person could have nothing else in common, but you can’t break up because you enjoy the sexual intimacy. When things are good, they’re great, but when things are bed, all you can think about is whether you’ll make it to makeup sex. This is where you get the men with the crazy exes/baby mamas that slash his tires when he comes to visit you, or that couple you know who seem to hate each other but can’t stay broken up. Eventually, someone will get tired of the back and forth and break it off for good (or just find someone else to repeat the process with).
4. Sick of being lonely: Man is not an island; it’s not good for man to be alone. Everybody needs somebody sometimes. Fighting loneliness can be a long, hard war. You may win a few battles, but after a while, loneliness can get the upper hand. It’s at these times when we will spin a relationship out of a few good dates because we are tired of doing things alone. We want to have a consistent plus one. We want to do couple things like go to the movies or out to eat. We don’t want to sit at another table set for two by ourselves reading another book and pretending to be engaged in brokering world peace on our cellphones. We are tired of leaving movie theater’s with half a bag of popcorn. We are tired of being paired up with so and so’s cousin or sat next to the weird groping uncle while celebrating weddings and babies with your lucky friends. I exhort you to get a hobby, not any man that comes along. Ugh.
5. The Jones’: Whether it’s because of their family lineage, their inheritance, their self-made millionaire status, their good looks, their fancy material possessions, or their intellectual prowess, you want to be on their arm. Oh, you don’t really like them, but you love what they could provide to you. Perhaps you want to be able to live in comfort through no effort of your own, or you want to raise your visibility. Maybe you want people to covet what you have. Either way, you are willing to take abuse, battle through a lack of attraction, and overlook the fact you have nothing in common and don’t want the same things to get the lifestyle you think you deserve. It’s not about the man or woman at all, but what being with them does for you.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with being in a weigh station relationship. Sometimes a weigh station relationship isn’t so scandalous or pitiable as the examples above. Sometimes it’s just two people who agree to hang out together until something better comes along. The point is that both people should know what it is. No one should be blindsided. We aren’t talking about a few dates or hookups, but relationships. Relationships require time and commitment, no matter what your ulterior motives are. Everyone has a right to know what sort of  return to expect on their investment. That’s my two cents anyway.

What do you think about weigh station relationships? Can you identify any that I’ve missed? Want to vent about past experiences with them? Are you a trucker and want to tell me I have no idea what I’m talking about and have misrepresented the purpose of a weigh station? Feel free to leave your two cents in the comments section, or email me at 2blu2btru4u[at]gmail[dot]com.

Related Articles

• Calif. trucker gets 22 years for huge pot haul (sfgate.com)
• Electronic On Board Recorder Review (thekeystruckers.com)
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• State Police search area near I-95 weigh station in Rowley (boston.com)

When It Starts to Count

Tags

adolescence, advice, BB1, Dating, Emotion, Hormone, love, positioning, relationships

Hormones that control puberty table 08 Image via Wikipedia

I had a phone conversation last night with BB1 (that’s baby brother #1, for those of you trying to keep up). One of the things we talked about was how he felt about dating. It was interesting to be on the other end of this conversation. I mean, I give random advice from experience, avoidance, and learning from others all of the time to all of you in cyberspace and friends in general, but it’s…weird to discuss the nature of eighteen year old women with BB1. He’s a BB, after all.

After I unstuck myself from the wall at the thought of my BB1 having relationships (or, God forbid relations), I thought about the unique problems of the teenaged dater: transition to adulthood, hormones, masks, limited exposure to your “boo”, teenage angst, and living (and dating) in a small pool (especially if you’re a big fish). What could I say to BB1 that wasn’t useless warnings, parental advice (which he could have gotten from mom), projection, insinuation, or censure? This is, partially, what I came up with.

My brother, like me, is someone who thinks deeply about things and tries to figure other people out. He also feels deeply and struggles with reining in his emotions (like me, and, I would venture to say, most teenagers). He thinks, like many teenagers, that the things that are happening in his relationships now are how things will always happen in relationships. He thinks he knows a little something about everything. He thinks he is grown.

I told my brother what someone should have told me when I was his age (even though I made an OK job of it without it, and I suspect he would have, too): most people at the age of eighteen aren’t as mature as you are and aren’t as committed to a relationship as they should be. They love too quickly and fall out of love just as quickly. You can’t give someone your whole heart after a few months. Take your time and really get to know the person. Have fun. Don’t take everything so seriously. Have plenty of friends. Don’t let your feelings and life revolve around another person.

Also, any time you can say “I don’t want to say she’s crazy, but,” run. Do not pass go and do not collect $200. Female hormones are confusing to men at any age, but this is red flag territory. We women can be hormonal or emotional at times, but crazy is never OK. Neither is a ManBoy who can’t control his temper and punches things–or people.

Relationships probably won’t get better until you’re around 23. People won’t get better until around 23. I came to this magic number because of what it signifies. You’ve either been working 5 years or you have a bachelor’s degree and are working (or working towards a Master’s). You should be out of your parent’s house and not in a dorm. You have your own space, and the bills that come with freedom. You have a job you can’t afford to lose, so you think twice about “jumping stupid” out in public. You have matured as only being responsible for yourself can mature many people. If you’ve been paying attention in your relationships before now, you have a slightly clearer picture of what you are looking for (in other words, not just anyone who’s fine will do). This is when you start to develop more discernment, because there’s more to lose.

I didn’t tell him he couldn’t find true love before 23. I didn’t tell him to wait five years to date anyone. What I did tell him was that if he just accepted it will take most people until then to emotionally even out and be as mature as he was, his life would be a lot happier. In the meantime, enjoy and improve your life. Take relationships slow. Learn yourself. Have fun with your friends and family. Don’t get invested in people prematurely. You’ve seen a lot of examples of relationships, good and bad. Learn from the relationships you see as much as the ones you’re actually in. Do all of this, so that when it starts to count, you can be in a position to accept the quality of person you deserve.

At least that’s what I tried to say. What advice would you give an eighteen year old about dating and relationships? Do you think I said something anywhere near the right thing?

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TMPDKAM*: I Was Hit By Love

Tags

crush, Dating, Domestic violence, love taps, Relationship

–Queue the Cece Peniston song (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, shame on you! Ahem, back to the post

I was in an abusive relationship. Well, not really. I don’t suppose you could call it a relationship, and I am not trying to make light of people who are being abused, but I did experience physical violence at the hands of a crush. Granted, I was ten, eleven years old, but being hit is being hit, right?

Remember back in the day when little kids would give each other “love taps”? Parents would always dismiss a slight open palmed hit a girl gave a boy, or when a boy pushed a little girl down. “That ain’t nothin’ but a love tap,” or “you must like him/her” were the only words of comfort or punishment meted out for such things. This was not that.

Neither was this the more adult “wrestling with my boyfriend” either. I insist I was physically abused, and I possibly have the scars and definitely have the memories to prove it.

There was this boy. Everyone who knew me as a ten year old on knows his name, but for the purposes of the blogoverse his name is Kamar. When I was in the fifth grade, on of my friends told Kamar that I had told a table full of girls he liked me (totally backwards, but how reliable are vindictive preteens?). He hit me with a mud filled tire (yes, a car tire, like the ones on my PT Cruiser right now, except this tire had white sidewalls). I had to walk home soaking wet from the waist down in skin tight jeans, sore from being hit in the thighs with a tire.

Over the course of a year, I was pelted with rocks, hit with a plastic baseball bat, a piece of a screen (the metal part), punched, “love tapped,” and tripped. Now, make no mistake. I was a rough tomboy and retaliated in kind. I packed a hard punch for a girl. I kicked hard, and if you ran or rode away on a bike, I would catch you.

I wasn’t the only one subjected to this ill treatment either. Kamar mercilessly picked on many of the girls who cheerleaded with me for the citywide football team he played  on. I distinctly remember one girl being “back sufflexed” ( a wrestling move) onto the parking lot pavement after practice. At that same practice, I was riding my babysitter’s daughter’s bike around in circles when Kamar clipped my bike tire. I went flying to the pavement. That one really hurt. 

Looking back, it’s hard to imagine that this seemed normal. I didn’t think of it as anything but an annoying neighbor who just so happened to be fine, a bad little boy with gorgeous eyes and a penchant for tormenting little girls. But then, you grow up.

In today’s world, there is  no such things as love taps. There is punishment for hitting another child. If a little boy kisses a little girl it’s called sexual harrassment, just like it is when an adult does it. The fact that children may not know how to appropriately express their feelings is not sufficient grounds for giving them the benefit of the doubt.    

Do I really believe I was in an abusive non-relationship? No. I don’t think either of us thought of it that way. We both seemed to look forward to chasing each other and one upping each other. We got along from time to time. I saw many adolescent relationships play out along the same lines, before prepubescent boys and girls began to discover sex (and young–sixth grade!).

Did you ever give/receive love taps? Looking back, would you consider that abuse? What are your thoughts on this issue?

I don’t know that I would call it abuse or love taps, but I do know one thing: I was hit by love–literally.

*In relationships, we sometimes get to the point that we feel we know everything there is to know about someone, or that they know everything there is to know about us. It gets more and more difficult to remember some of those little things that make us who we are. Things Mr. P. Doesn’t Know About Me is a recurring feature in which I share some of the little (and not so little) things that have simply never come up in conversation or seemed important enough to tell. They can be few and far between, as I am by nature a “talker” and share quite a bit, but when I do have one, rest assured, it’s a good one.

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Teenage Love Affair: The Lincolns* (Part I)

Tags

communication, Dating, family, God, in-laws, love, marriage, relationships, selfishness, submission

What Happens After I Do?

As soon as I asked Mrs. Lincoln (names have been changed or are withheld to set the couples at ease to really “tell it like it is”–this is the first couple I had to think of a name for; see if you can guess why I chose Lincoln, LOL) to participate in my marriage kits, she was ready. She called her husband (who was working), and asked if he would be off the day of our proposed interview. “OK” she said, and hung up. I asked her if he knew they were participating in the interview. “He ain’t gotta know, honey. We’ll be there.” (Sidenote: All of the couples I’ve interviewed together, I’ve arranged things with the wife, either because I asked her first or was told I had to set it up with her. Interesting)

Sure enough, Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln sat down with me before a play rehearsal at the church. As some of the singers practise in the background, I whip out my recorder (for accuracy purposes, I assure them), and begin to conduct the interview. During the next 35 minutes, we cover everything from keeping your relationship private, dealing with in-laws, shacking, problems in the bedroom, high school dating, divorce, selfishness, submission, and forgiveness. I know you’ll enjoy the Lincoln’s as much as I did!

How long have you been married? May 15, 2010 is 24 years.

1. How long did you know each other before you got married? Sis. Lincoln: About 7 years. Bro. Lincoln: No. Sis. Lincoln: How many years? We dated three years in high school…Bro. Lincoln: no three. Sis. Lincoln: Three? We didn’t get married in high school.
2. Bro Lincoln, What made you decide to ask her to marry you? Bro. Lincoln: I didn’t ask her, she asked me. Oh, OK. I did come around after at first she had asked me, because I told her I wasn’t going to marry her period, because I wasn’t marriage material. Sis. Lincoln: We learned something new today. So you told her you weren’t marriage material? Sis Lincoln: Oh, OK. So, how did you eventually come around? Bro. Lincoln: Having children. Sis. Lincoln: Children, plural huh? Bro. Lincoln:…and I just felt it was time for me to settle down and do the right thing.
3. How old were you when you got engaged? Bro. Lincoln: I don’t know. Sis Lincoln: Baby, you might want to give us these questions and let us come back! Bro. Lincoln: Just answer the question. You remember? Sis. Lincoln: I would say I was 25 when I had [their daughter]…um…23, I’ll say 23. So that would make him twenty four.
4. How long were you engaged? Sis Lincoln: I would say a year.
5. Did you guys have any premarital counseling before you got married? No
6. When you got married, what was the biggest adjustment you have to make early in the marriage? Bro. Lincoln: My biggest adjustment was holding down a job. Sis. Lincoln: I think mine was being submissive. It still is. That’s not one of my strong suits.
7. Were you guys in the church when you guys got married? Bro. Lincoln: No. Sis. Lincoln: He wasn’t. I had been baptized but no I was not…active.
8. What did you learn about marriage growing up? Sis Lincoln: Neither one of us come from a sound marital family, but I learned more about marriage from my sister and brother-in-law, which is marriage is more about compromising. Bro. Lincoln; I would say my mom. Even though her and my dad went through changes, back and forth, having issues. My mom raised 4 boys. She explained to me and my older brother, if we ever wanted to get married. This is what we should have towards a wife. Respect, honesty, and trust.
9. What’s something that you learned after you got married that you wished you had known before you got married? Bro. Lincoln: How to communicate with your wife when you’re mad at them, and move on from there. And learn from it each time you have an issue with each other, just sit down and discuss it. At first in our marriage, I wouldn’t do that. I would just let her stay mad. But I learned from it and have grown to be a better man towards her, sitting down and discussing the issues. Sis. Lincoln: I would think that when you marry somebody, it’s not just you and them. It’s also the family you know? It’s not what you see on TV. It’s something you have to work at on a daily basis. Bro. Lincoln: Especially if you have kids. Because you have to be able to communicate on who’s going to do this or that. Sis. Lincoln: It’s something that you have to work at. And it’s always something that’s going to come up. Bro. Lincoln: Talkin’ bout on a daily basis. Just about hourly too!
10. How has your faith impacted your marriage? Sis. Lincoln: Without my faith I would not be married today. I would be divorced without my faith. Why do you say that? Sis. Lincoln: We were in the process of getting a divorce, what, five years ago? So, without my faith, you know where it teaches you [that] you have to forgive. Bro. Lincoln: I’d say pretty much the time. She would try to make me come, or ask me to come. I’d tell her no. Then I told her you can’t do that. That’s not your decision. I started thinking back to the past, when my mother would take us to church. I thought about giving it a try again. It can’t hurt you. Your family is already doing it; why you shouldn’t do it. You just half of the apple. You’ll make it a whole if the whole family goes. So that’s what I did. And it’s benefiting me. Cause you only go for you, you can’t go for the family.
11. How do you get to know somebody? Sis Lincoln: By studying not only their words but their actions. You have to study a person’s actions because I can tell you anything, but it’s my actions that tell you the real me. Bro. Lincoln: Talking, studying them, and spending time with them. Spending time with them going places and doing things. You’ll see what things they like to do, what they like to drink, the conversation they like to talk.
12. What types of things did you do to get to know each other? Sis. Lincoln: Went to the movies, we were in high school so go to the movies, school activities, family outings. Bro. Lincoln: Take her to work, pick her up to work. Have ice cream.
13. What are some red flags to look for? Sis. Lincoln: A man that has issues with his mother. The way a man treats his mom plays a big part in how he’s going to treat his wife or the woman in his life. If he’s undependable, unreliable. An unreliable person and a person with a lot of secrets. We all have things that don’t nobody know but me and God. Bro. Lincoln: How they treat their mother. I would say both parents if they are alive. How they treat their brothers and sisters. If he is a male, how he treats his sisters. How they get along, communicate, and do for one another. Because it’s a family atmosphere, and if there’s not a good atmosphere in the family, that can be a big flag.
14. Bro. Lincoln, what should a man look for in a wife? The way a woman carries herself, day in and day out. The way she treats others, and how she dresses, and how she respects her mother, her father, brothers, sisters, and others that she meets in the streets or in the store. And how they control themselves, their temper. How they take care of themselves…hygiene, and appearance.
15. Sis. Lincoln, what should a woman look for in a husband? I think a woman should look for a godly man, cause if he loves God & he keeps serving God then he’s definitely going to do all that he needs to do as a man to do right by his wife. I think you should look for someone who is family oriented, especially if you intend on having kids. A man that works, that’s a provider. Bro Lincoln: Especially that works. That goes on both sides, there.
16. What do you feel about marriages today? What do you think is the main issue that people have with marriage? Sis. Lincoln: Me, personally, I just think people are selfish. We have become a selfish nation, and it’s all about me first and foremost. We aren’t willing to try; we just give up so easily.  The world will say if that one don’t work, the next one will. We’re selfish first and foremost, and we’re not willing to work at it. Anything to add? Bro. Lincoln: I try not to judge, but I have. I don’t care to speak on that one. All humans are different.
17. How should a couple deal with an in-law relationship? Sis. Lincoln: Me, personally, I think it should be worked between the couple. The couple should sit down and work it out because the Bible says that me and him are one. Me and him have been dealing with this recently. The problem is not with the in-law, the problem is with your spouse and how they’re dealing with their brother sister, mama, daddy, whatever in-law it is. So it really should be worked out at the house, and then you become one. You all become from and then you can deal with whatever outside interference there is in the relationship.  So, what your saying is you all have to get on the same page, so that when you deal with them, you already know how y’all are going to deal with it. Bro. Lincoln: When you’re not on the same page, somebody will leaked the word. And it’s going to get out and that ain’t good. You have some family members that can’t hold water. They love to gossip.
18. How do you guys deal with keeping your relationship private and not having too many people in the relationship? How important is that? Bro. Lincoln: Communication, and learning to trust one another and communicate, and blessings from God keeping us strong minded, healthy and continue to love each other and communicating. Regardless of what you’re going through that day or that week. Sis. Lincoln: Certain things should only be between a man and a wife. Certain things we discuss should only be between me and him, not me and him and my best friend, you know, there are certain things that he may go to mama with or I might go to mama with, but there are just certain things that should just be off limits to anybody. So what are some examples of some of the things that are just between a husband and a wife?  Sis Lincoln: Problems in the bedroom. Issues in the bedroom I think should just be between you and that person. Infidelity, because everybody is different. Bro. Lincoln: I would say the whole house, not just the bedroom. Sis. Lincoln: If there’s something like abuse, somebody needs to know about it. You know for the safety of whoever’s being abused mentally, physically or emotionally, then somebody, preferably a professional—definitely things in the bedroom that should be between you and your spouse. Infidelity, because I have a tolerance level; you have a tolerance level. What things I might tolerate, you may not tolerate. So I don’t need to run to my best friend and say “Oh, my husband cheated on me” because I don’t need her in my ear going “well, you should just leave him,” when her husband might be beating on her. So to me, those are the two things that I don’t think you should share. If you need to share it, then you find a professional and you share it with that professional.  But not my friend, my mama, my cousin. Bro.Lincoln: The whole household. I wouldn’t want anyone to know what goes on in my house. And even if you come over to visit or see one of us, whatever problems we have, we ain’t gone let you know. Bottom line, we still gon’ act the same way we do every time you’ve seen us. Even if it’s a problem in the bedroom, problems outside the home, we gone still sit down and communicate and keep it to ourselves, it’s not a media tragedy, it’s among family, and the family gone have to mourn and work on it together as a family.
19. What’s good about being married? What are some of the positives? Both: Sex! Bro. Lincoln: Sex, being together, and knowing you have a beautiful, fine, young lady on your shoulder, to go places with and doing things with, and other men look you don’t get mad; you just enjoy it. I got me something—cause if I see a lot of men looking, I’m not going to say nothin’; I’mma just smile. The only time I’m going to get mad is if they step to her and say something. If it wasn’t for her, I probably wouldn’t be in the church. Sis. Lincoln: Sex, being able to have it without being ashamed. Companionship.