Design of (Half) a Decade

Tags

anniversary, Decision2012, decisions, engagement, faith, Future, God, love, marriage, pre-marital counseling, regret

Some of you may think this has already happened because of my harping on the number in my decision2012 posts, but today is a special day. Today marks my five year dating anniversary with Mr. Perfect. In the past five years, I have: graduated college, almost paid off two cars, found a great job after a few mifits, lived in three apartments, wrote countless blog posts, lost four people very close to me, survived at least three awkward Thanksgivings, and just about finished the first book I will publish…and Mr. P. has been along for the whole crazy ride.

The intent of Decision2012 was to bring the focus back to our relationship as we evaluate if we want to get married or move on. The crazy thing is, though, is that God had already provided the avenues by which we could critically evaluate this before I put my little hands on it. In December, my church had a big marriage and family workshop. They decided to continue to have these forums the fourth Wednesday of every month of this year. This started before devision2012. I don’t know the need at our church for such workshops or who the intended audience was, but it’s definitely helped me.

Along with this has been the more personalized approach of premarital counseling. We have had to think deeply about aspects of marriage as they relate to us. We get to examine and investigate ourselves just as much as each other. Instead of me looking at everyone else getting engaged, getting married, and having babies while our lives pottered along lost in questions of where to eat or do we want to go to the movies, I was able to take a good look at my relationship and decide if this relationship is the one I want to progress towards marriage. We had discussed marriage before, but very vaguely. “I think we could possibly be progressing toward seriously considering marriage” has been replaced with seriously considering marriage.

The last five years has not been without their ups and downs for us both individually and as a couple. I think that we have done the work necessary to make a decision. I was watching an episode of Dr. Phil where a couple was contemplating divorce. Dr. Phil told them that they hadn’t done the work to get a divorce. He said they had to really work on their marriage and relationship to get to a place where either they would continue to be married and moving in a positive direction together or to a place where they had some peace about the relationship and could move forward as an individual knowing that they weren’t making a rash decision. Either way, there was some emotional work to do to get them to a place of wholeness and peace as individuals so that they could make adult decisions. I feel like we’ve done that work.

Our relationship has been mostly good. We don’t argue very often. We have many of the same interests. We have the same values. We seem to want the same things out of life. We make each other laugh with our pop culture references and bouts of silliness. We encourage each other in our times of sadness. We make each other reach for the better. Through this relationship, I’ve learned to be a better communicator, to commit random acts of selflessness, to accept another person’s opinion, to put someone else’s needs first sometimes. I’ve been able to see the impact of my faithful, optimistic outlook on life on someone else, to see how my living testimony has inspired someone else. I’ve known what it was like to have a partner and a support to help with things I want to accomplish. We have grown in maturity and grace in the last five years.

There are still a few more weeks left in pre-marital counseling and this year. We still have one more trip left in us (to New Orleans next Thursday). One more holiday season before decisions have to be made. It’s at times like this you may wonder if I’m regretting things–either the past five years of my relationship or my decision to either get engaged or go our separate ways at the end of this year. The only answer I can give to both of those is “no.” For whatever else it turns out to be, our relationship has been a learning and growing experience for me that is invaluable to my life going forward, in whatever form “forward” takes. Perhaps if God hadn’t allowed there to be so many convenient ways for us to focus on marriage and what His word says about it; if we hadn’t had the opportunity to explore what marriage would look like for us without the commitment of being engaged; if we hadn’t had the opportunity to talk to so many people with so many different marriages; maybe then I would be hesitant over Decison2012. But the essentials to make the decision have been graciously provided to us. I have been in prayer my attitude towards marriage, asking for clarity and wisdom to make the right decisions. I’ve prayed for Mr. Perfect and his process of deciding what he wants to do, that it will be in line with God’s will for him with or without me. I’ve done the work.

Being the romantic that I am, I have always wanted getting engaged to be…effortless. I wanted flowers and sweet words. Somehow I, who never seems to have her nails done, would have perfectly manicured nails with which to take “look at my ring!” pictures. There would be a photographer hidden away capturing the moment for posterity. I’ve written proposals Shakespeare would be proud of in my head to mark the occasion. I would love to be taken by surprise and swept off my feet, but I’ve honestly enjoyed our process. I have felt relieved to look at rings and gently guide him towards something more my style. I like having discussed many of the possible hiccups after the honeymoon stage. I like feeling sure that this could work apart from all the warm fuzzies of a proposal. Perhaps it will leave me free to feel only happy bubbly emotion at the time of a proposal. Hopefully, I will still get to be surprised in some way.

This post is not the post I intended to write, but it’s the one I felt needed to be written. Later on, I will write my usual “Happy Anniversary” post, filled with the highlights of our year together. But for now, I am just being a bit introspective (and long-winded). Don’t let me get maudlin; tell me some happy relationship stories!

XOXO

2blu2btru

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• Nobody Wants Heterosexual Women to Propose Marriage (Including Heterosexual Women) (jezebel.com)
• As Two Become One (weddingbee.com)
• College Students: 25 Is Perfect Age for Marriage (news.health.com)
• Examine your motivation to marry (sacbee.com)
• Oh Hey! I’m Engaged (Small Steps for Big Change)

A Really Good Story

Tags

Christian, engagement, marriage, proposal, Relationship

I have a friend that got engaged yesterday. How he got engaged is a really good story (you can read the blog post his fiancée read here and see the video of the proposal here). He wrote a blog post detailing their relationship, and on the second page was “Will You Marry Me?” with a picture of the ring.

Throughout all of the interviews and informal conversations I’ve had with people about marriage, the question of how people got engaged often comes up. It’s usually a really good story, whether good, bad, or simply unexpected. In a society that cultivates Bridezillas for commercial profit, this is the beginning of the “all about me” bride centered extravaganza: a man is plotting and planning how to propose to you, how to keep you off his trail, enlisting help. After all, you have to have a wonderful ring to show off on facebook, proposal pictures and/or video, and a wonderful story to tell.

One day not too long ago, Mr. Perfect was talking about his own views on getting engaged. He told me that he may just go to the bathroom and come back with a ring and propose one day. My  first thought (the same thought I always have when anyone talks about going to the bathroom) is that I hoped he washed his hands (I know he does; it’s a quirk. I’m very conscientious about hand cleanliness). My second thought is “oh great! Now every time he goes to the bathroom I’m going to be looking for a ring.” My third thought is “what kind of story is that? I wouldn’t want to tell people he proposed on his way back from the bathroom!”

After all of my talk about my proposal essentials, even I (or especially) want a good story. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Hearing stories of string quartets playing, of having “will you marry me?” written in chocolate on your dessert plate at a fancy restaurant, of romantic sunset proposals on exotic islands are fun. Who doesn’t want to know that someone prepared themselves to ask you to marry them?

At the same time, in order for the marriage to work, you need more than a really good engagement story. Many of the couples I’ve spoken with don’t have elaborate engagement stories; some read more like contract negotiations. It would be nice to have an “aww” worthy story to share with friends and family, but the best story should be your relationship. It should be an example and encouragement to others. It should be a solid foundation to build one another up. It should be a relationship that draws you closer to God and makes you a better Christian and person. It should be worth all the thought, effort, and ingenuity put into asking and accepting the offer of being in a covenant relationship with someone.

I’ve read a lot of stories about wedding days gone wrong. There’s even a new TV show of wedding do overs for those whose plans went awry. Life doesn’t always go according to our plans, nor to our expectations. The most important part of the proposal should be the act of proposing itself, no matter how it’s done. The response should be to the question, not the ring or the setting.

I don’t know much about my friend’s relationship, but I wish him all the best in his engagement and eventual marriage. I’ve had other friends marry recently, and I wish them every happiness and a long and fruitful marriage. I’m an advocate of marriage and I respect anyone who makes a sincere commitment, an informed decision to endeavor to spend their life with another person. To me, that’s always a really good story.

XOXO

2blu2btru

Related articles

• Put A Ring On It: Stephanie & Earl (hellobeautiful.com)
• Fabulous Proposals! (fabulouscollections.wordpress.com)
• Put A Ring On It! Kat & Lamont (hellobeautiful.com)
• Miramar Marine Surprises Girlfriend With Sweet Marriage Proposal and Robbins Brothers Engagement Ring at Annual Ball Gown Giveaway (prweb.com)
• After the Proposal… (singlenigerian.wordpress.com)
• Couple Marries After 28 Year Engagement (since1910.com)
• Bridezilla Porsha On Her Marriage, Her Weight And That Lace-Front (bossip.com)

It’s a Question of Time

Tags

BMWK, Dating, engagement, timeframe

I’m always curious to know what other people think about things– not to reinforce or contradict what I think, but just to see where everyone else in tge world is. I accepted a long time ago that I’m not in step with most people, and I find the differences fascinating.

What I especially love is when people give definitive answers to subjective questions, because then you get to see what someone thinks will work for everyone. Many people dance around drawing any definite boundaries or saying something has to be a certain way, but through the wonders of the internet, some people are unashamed to tell you what to do with your life. And I like it.

The two posts I am referring to specifically are posts on Black and Married With Kids. They each ask a question: how long to date before getting married, and how long to be engaged? The writers gave a similar response for both questions: somewhere between 1-2 years. The commentary was largely in agreement, with others giving outliers of personal experiences, both of themselves and people they know. Most commentors dismiss most reasons given for longer courtship or engagements as excuses. Just get married already!

Being no stranger to the when are you getting married question and having been in a relationship longer than the prescribed amount of time, I find this a fascinating phenomenon: that we live in a society that punishes us for conformity on the one hand, and condemns us for not being “normal” one the other. This isn’t just in relationships, but with our weight/appearance, sexuality, etc. I can be homosexual and you can’t say that’s wrong, but being a virgin at a certain age leaves you open to scientic research style study, ridicule, and scorn. Being deathly skinny gets whispers behind your back, but being obese gets embarrassing commercials, public ridicule at comedy shows, and exhortations to get skinny by any means necessary. We are a nation of hypocrites, my friends.

But getting back to the question of time. I want to know what you think about this. How long is too long to dat or be engaged? What is the hold up? What’s the rush?

Xoxo

2blu2btru

Freestyle Friday: News & Reviews Edition

Tags

Baby names, Braxton Family Values, engagement, Hip-Hop, inspiration, KJV, love, Love & Hip-Hop, Mariah Carey, Motivation, Nick Cannon, proposal, relationships, Toni Braxton, work

Happy Friday, everyone! this week has been a bit trying, but it’s the weekend! In case you’re wondering, it’s been a trying week for me because I’ve been without music at work :-(. The ruling came down that I am not to wear my headphones anymore during work hours. I don’t know why that is (I don’t talk on the phones or work with anyone), but I have to do what I’m told. My work fairy godmother did look out for me on this laundry week by blessing me with two extra Jeans Days! This is like Christmas to corporate America workers who have a strict business casual dress code m-thurs and jeans day on fridays. It helped eased the headphone pain this week; next week, I’ll have to identify some other bright spot. I’ll be on the lookout.

This coming Sunday is mother’s day. I hope you’ve gotten your gifts/card/flowers sent out. Apieceofthepiehole tells you exactly why mothers deserve so much special attention in “D-Day is Around the Corner, You Better Not Blow it!”

Quite a few interesting things happened this week in the world of television and entertainment. Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon released the names of their twins: Monroe and Morrocan. Hmm. I like Monroe. I think it’s just unique enough, while not being too far out there. Morrocan? Umm..I know why she did it, but Nicholas Scott Cannon would have been cool too, I’m just saying. Morrocan? Really? But it’s her baby.

Is anyone else obsessed with Braxton Family Values? In this week’s episode, Toni finally shares with her sisters how sick she really is. I can’t believe they didn’t know. The whole episode gave me new respect for her strength. It was like a Lifetime movie special. This show is thebomb.com. Check it out Tuesdays on WeTV @ 9pm, then discuss it with me on my review blog.

Speaking of my review blog, I’m doing something new: Tune in with 2blu. This weekend is the first interactive experience. Head over to my post from today (linked above), tell me what movie you want to see that came out today (you can find a list of the new releases on Chris and Pac Take On Hollywood’s “Opening This Week (2-8 May, 2011)“; Jumping the Broom also comes out this week)” and learn how to be featured on my review blog (hint: it involves pictures, ice cream, a movie, and an appendage or two). Now, on to the link love:

The King James version of the Bible turns 400. Rnbwilson, who’s in Cambridge where more than half of the translators that worked on the KJV came from, got to experience lectures and exhibits about this significant translation. Read more on “King James Bible–400 Years of Thee’s and Thou’s.”

Another thing that popped up all over the interwebs was the whole thing from Love & Hip Hop. In case you weren’t aware, the rapper Jim Jones’ girlfriend of nearly seven years, Chrissy, proposed to Jim on a recent episode, complete with male engagement ring, in front of their family and friends. Chantell and Kiss-N-Tell Chantel wrote a post about it entitled “Would You Put a Ring on Your Man’s Finger?” Over on Black and Married with Kids, they tackled the issue in the article “Should Women Propose?” I’ve talked about proposals, but never like this. What do you think? Would you propose to a man/what would you do if your woman proposed to you? Jim was less than enthusiastic about, and didn’t really answer. His ambiguous “I’m with you” and the song he wrote for her aside, I don’t know when, if ever, we’ll see a wedding on Love & Hip-Hop.

Speaking of love & hip-hop, Diggame hosts a wonderful guest blog on “The Saga of the OldNewSchool” over on Ashy to Classy.

If your week was as in need of motivation as mine was, check out these posts: Sepia explains why “Sometimes You Gotta Run.” Haley asserts “Knowledge is Power” over on Green Plate Dinners. Haley also inspires us with her Motivational Monday post, “Giving Back.” Shay Fresh explores “Doing Something Different” on her blog. Kyra Evans-Schultz exhorts her 17 year old self to embrace “The ‘I Don’t Know‘” parts of life. In a triple play of Jaclyn Rae (hello, rhyming!), we learn how to “Turn Criticism into Compassion“, how to overcome being “Painfully Insecure,” and how Jaclyn Rae plans on “Keeping My Balance (Note: I don’t agree with everything here, but I thought it was thought-provoking all the same, so I figured I’d share and let you draw your own conclusions).” Emc2Wife learns to live in the moment in her post “…and lost time & space.” Lastly, MiMi Atkins shares the inspiring story told in a book she loves, “Little Girl Lost.”

IntrigueMe contemplates losing some of her blog’s anonymity here in a recent post.

Kat Richter explains “Why I Hate Men (It’s Not What You Think). ” JenDiva over at Mind of a Diva exhorts you to “Treat Them Right.” Jobo shares a lesson she learned about getting comfortable in her relationshp in “Complacency.” JustMarriedGirl reviews her feelings about her baby shower in a two part series. Read part 1 here and part 2 here.

For all of you who love my running/exercising links: Courtenay contemplates the real cost of running in “Lying in a Noisy Tube Getting an MRI Gives You a lot of Time to Think.” Lauren explains why “Runners are Mental.” Paula at Eat:Watch:Run lets us in on a little “Treadmill Etiquette.” Marathon Maiden spectates at her first race and finds out how fun it can be on the sidelines in “#Winning.” Samantha tells us how she came up with the equation “Active Couples=fun” at her blog, newly renamed Check My Pulse (formerly The Pulse).

Related articles

• Mariah And Nick’s Babies Have Names… And They’re Special (bossip.com)

Freestyle Friday: The New New Edition

Tags

engagement, marriage, moving, reception, relationships, settling in, Weddings

Image via Wikipedia

I found my mailbox! It’s a good thing I did, too, because I had mail in it.

I’m settling in to the new place. It helped that I have a few days to lay around reading Harlequins and watching movies   to get some things put away before I had to go to work. I love the cafe au lait walls and the crown moulding and the stainless steel fixtures. It’s all very chic. Once I have internet at my place, you will definitely see a picture or two of my new digs!

Why is it so cold outside? No matter where you are in the USA, at least east of the might Mississippi, it is cold where you are. It gets to in the forties at night here (and I don’t want to hear anything about how that isn’t cold; we are not used to that in Central Florida).

Mr. Perfect and I were chosen as hosts for our friends’ wedding reception/shower. They were married on last Monday (the 22nd). This is the same couple we met for dinner that one time. We have to pick up a gift from their registry and prepare for our hosting duties. I’ve only been to a couple wedding receptions myself. I’m supposed to wear a black dress and seat people. There will be food. This is the extent of my knowledge of what’s going on. I was asked on Wednesday. You all know how I feel about lateness, but since she’s my friend and I’m a fan of all things marriage, I’ll rise to the occasion. Hopefully, there are no games involved this time; I’m terrible at coming up with entertainment on the fly.

They were married at the courthouse. There was no pomp and circumstance and fluff, just vows. That’s really all you need, right? No waiting for a better ring or saving for a lavish party, just “I do” before God and a Justice of the Peace. Now it’s time for gifts and grub! 😀

Another couple I know is engaged, but there’s been some scuffling over the ring. Apparently, she wants a bigger one. I haven’t talked to her and gotten her side of the issue. Hopefully they can work it out and go on and get married.

I almost want some other people to get engaged or have a wedding shower. Get some of the attention and pressure off of me. But it’s a catch 22: yes, pressure will be off of me initially, but once congratulations are over, then everyone turns to me and wants to know when am I getting married.

I read a blog yesterday a woman wrote about a lady at church coming up to her after an engagement was announced and hugging her. The lady whispered something to the effect of “don’t worry; you’re time is coming soon.” She made a good point about using her singlehood to focus on the Lord and wait for things to happen in His time instead of focusing on why she didn’t have a husband yet. I’ve made the point a few times myself, but it’s good to read another Church of Christ woman and to know I’m not alone in my thinking. Also, thanks for giving me the scripture I was looking for! I Cor. 7:34.

I wish at had some good news or something exciting to share, but my life lately has been a whirl of turkey, moving, church, work and gym. Once I have the internet on at the house, it will be back to regularly scheduled programming–relationships, wisdom, motivations/meditations, and lots of ME! 😀 Have a blessed weekend!

Related Articles

• How to Choose a Unique Wedding Reception Venue (society.ezinemark.com)

What’s in Your Marriage Kit? Minister Part II

Tags

Christian relationships, commitment, engagement, engagement preparedness, husband, love, marriage, marriage kit, marriage preparedness, relationships, wife

In the previous marriage kit post, we were interviewing my minister about marriage. He will be married for 19 years on August 17th. He has shared his views on  how to get to know someone and what the qualifications for a husband/wife are. In part two of the interview, we are discussing red flags to look for, how independent women affect relationships, Always Something Better Syndrome (ASBS), commitment phobia, common issues in marriage, and what people need to be doing during engagement and their first year of marriage for a solid foundation.

12. What are some red flags to look for?

Someone who is unaccountable. I believe you see everything up front before you go in. Don’t believe you can change it; accept that it’s there. Accept what you see.

14. How do we know that “this is who God has for me?” Is that a notion you agree with?

Proverbs 31 is the wife God has for a Christian Man. God doesn’t choose who we marry; He chose what we marry. You know what God chose for you *I shake my head* A male. *Laughs* God leaves the decision up to us, so we can be held accountable for our decisions.

15. How does a man find a wife?

He looks where Godly women are to be found. You find a good wife like you find a church *references Proverbs 31* By referring to scripture, wise council–you have to involve older people.

16. How do you feel ideas of independent women affect relationships?

I believe that has been brought on by an atmosphere of illegitimate children, irresponsible husbands/fathers, the economy, home structure, and supply/demand. Girls are made to work; they are held to a higher standard. Women are more aggressive &  studious. It can cripple a Christian home if a woman does not value her role in being submissive to her husband. It’s brought on by negative impulses, culture/tv glamorizing independent women. It’s a climate of default, with women having been defrauded by me. A man has to be sensitive to the fact that this is something she has had to do and over time gain her trust and confidence and show that she can depend on him.

17. What are your thoughts on ASBS? Does such a syndrome exist?

I think that it needs to happen and not be forced. A person needs to allow themselves to feel that something is right. If a person is really given to God, two people can meet a certain personality and just click; certain personalities clash. I think you need to expand, go broader, expand your borders, step out of your comfort zone.

18. How long should an engagement be? When should you get married?

Immediately–time depends on length of courtship. If you date five years, one month; if you date 1 yr., 4-6 months for arrangements, housing. But no longer than six months.

19. What should you be doing the first year of marriage?

Enjoying yourself. Taking out all elements of fear; validating “you made the right choice”; implementing conflict management strategies, financial management; learning how to respect each other’s space, show good faith; implement your theories discussed while dating/engaged.

20. How do you navigate In-law relationships & family relationships?

When you have an issue with your partner, call their people–they will still love him afterwards & they have insight into their character. Don’t call your people and complain about your spouse. Also, never lend to your family, check with your spouse; make sure your family knows they have to go to your spouse for things and vice versa. They will be nicer to them knowing they have that kind of say so, and it prevent arguments like “you’re always lending your family money.”

From the cutting room floor: comments that didn’t fit anywhere else:

• Allow yourself an opportunity to meet someone that when something funny happens at work, she would be the first person you’ll call.
• Doctrinal reasons alone would not have kept us together; the idea of marriage was solely based on Christianity, but staying married influenced by upbringing. We weren’t ready for marriage when we got married.
• based on divine righteousness, it becomes greater than personalities clicking.

What’s in Your Marriage Kit?

Tags

Always Something Better Syndrome, Black love, Black relationships, commitment, engagement, engagement preparedness, Independent Woman Syndrome, love, marriage, marriage kit, marriage preparedness, relationships

After finally cornering catching up with my minister about his marriage preparedness kit, I figured it was time to change tactics and give him the opportunity to talk freely. As you will see, my minister can be very funny, and he brought out a lot of points that I hadn’t thought about. I feel like I got more out of him within this discussion than I ever would have just having him answer the question “What should be in your marriage preparedness kit. This is going to be extremely long, but so worth the information and the honest provided. Enjoy and comment!

Note: I did not have a tape recorder, so some parts will be […],but I take great notes and have fantastic recall for conversation, so what is presented is accurate and in context.

1. How long have you been married?

19 years on August 17th

2. How long did you know your wife before proposing?

Almost a year. I was twenty six and looking to settle down.

3. What made you certain she was the one?

Her faithfulness to the church independent of anyone else, her dress code, her honesty. I tried to intimidate her and see if she would take a stand on issues, and she stood her ground.

4.How old were you when you got engaged?

Twenty-seven

5. How long were you engaged?

Well, the wedding didn’t go off within the timeframe we originally planned. We broke up. We had conflicts over some issues and broke up. We got married 3 years later. I called her and told her I hadn’t met anyone else that I’d wanted to marry and that I wanted to pick up where we’d left off.

6. What was the biggest adjustment you had to make early on in your marriage?

Well, I’ll give you a trivial one. Wearing the ring. It was two to three years before I got used to wearing the ring. When I was in the pulpit and everywhere, I would be fiddling with it. This is actually the second one; I lost the other one. I think I may have thrown it out the car window!

Learning to talk about things before you do them, learning to talk about how I was spending money, sharing money and time. I had to get used to it being our money.

7. What is something you learned after you got married that you should have known before you got married?

You cannot get a divorce. I didn’t understand the permanency of the institution. I like to have couples I counsel write at least 10 things they dislike, see as a probable source of problems, would change if they could about their partner. Then I have them write at least 10 things they admire, that made them make the decision to marry that person, that they want them to maintain & develop. I tell them to forget the 10 things they admire and focus on the 10 they don’t. People get married for the qualities that they like and get divorced for the qualities they don’t like. They have to be able to comprehend and embrace the negative before they get married, because then there is no reason for divorce.

I wanted to get married so badly, I didn’t put any thought into what marriage was.

8. How do you go about getting to know someone? (My minister seems to have a preoccupation with denouncing dating and boyfriend/girlfriend relationships)

Dating isn’t bad but it should be between two mature people. It doesn’t matter to me who approaches who. I think that honesty is important and that each person should put their true intentions on the table–whether they are looking for someone to socialize with, if they’re looking to get married. They are both adults. Give enough information for the other person to make an informed decision.

I think in dating you should require three references, preferably from his or her previous girlfriends/boyfriends but other people in their lives as well. Know their background aand treatment of people. Interview this person. Know of their financial history, what was instilled in them about money, financial acuity.

I should have said this first, but spirituality is the number 1 criterion. Also family interaction and how they handle a crisis. Accept what you see. Know that it can be changed and modified, but you need to see it and accept it for what it is. An example of that would be Job’s wife. When he was covered boils…she told him to curse his God and die! That’s how she handled crisis! I’m not judging her, but I’m saying you need to see that type of thing before marriage.

9. What weight/importance do you give to feelings and physical attraction in choosing a mate?

Very important. It’s important that you find the person you are involved with attractive. It’s more important for him to find her physically attractive than it is for her, because men are visual creatures. People try to ignore the nature of men & women and say we are all the same, but men and women are different. For her on a scale of 1 to 10, him may have to be at least a 6; for him  it’s an 8.

10. I haven’t worded this as a question, but what are your thoughts on standards, lists, and settling?

You must have some things you will not comprise on and some things that are compromisable. Some uncompromisable standards might be if someone is unfaithful during the courtship, religion, morals, values, integrity. Some trivial things “I want a certain complexion or nationality,” height, education, income. When you weigh these things against each other, you will find that the external things are on one list and the internal things are on another. Having in mind a desired lifestyle that you and your mate agree upon and having standards is good. I heard in a country music song one time (maybe fudging the reference her, I think he said country music song,) Things that will make an Eagle fly will kill a sparrow.

11. What is required, or what are the qualifications of a wife?

A woman must:

1. Marry a man she believes in
2. Love him, and love him enough to let go of her past–don’t bring past into relationship; she needs to be focused on her relationship and her husband.
3. Be about his dream–not about her dream.
4. know some things about her man and the powers in her femininity. She can not stand toe to toe with her husband arguing. She should cease to argue and wait for a better opportunity. She knows how to deal with her husband.
5. Knows how to keep a house. The wife has the domestic responsibility. Her husband can help, but it’s always up to her to see that it’s done even if she doesn’t do it herself.
6. Keep herself beautiful to her man. *As aforementioned men are very visual* Keep her makeup, keep her perfume, go to the gym–for her man, not for anyone else. *This is about keeping the attraction going*
7. Knowledge of who her husband is
8. “Y’all want me to keep it real? We all adults in this room.” Discipline her husband when it comes to the bedroom. Tell him sometimes not tonight honey. *Kids & Christmas analogy* have every argument outside of the bedroom. Keep children out of the bedroom. I told my wife “this is our love den.”
9. Be his friend. Talk to him about everything. and put in parentheses “everything means EVERYTHING”). Keep a calendar and create initials for “honey I love you, I missed you, I was faithful to you today so that you can see that and make sure you express that everyday.
10. Have a hobby, an outlet, or a means of relaxation.

11. (cont’d) Of a husband?

1. He must be a Godly man-rooted in God
2. Han a goal, an almost unattainable one. It keeps you from being bored
3. Know where he is going–helps you recognize distractions.
4. Have integrity for himself, wants to be faithful for himself and not just because the Bible says.
5. Discipline of body & mind. He must read, have knowledge of the world around him, have a large world view.
6. Direction and goals for your family
7. Be a model of everthing you want to implement, lead the house in a spiritual manner.
8. Romantic–not overkill. “He wants to to have some of that Pepe Le Pue in him” *LOL* Ain’t nothin’ wrong wit bringing a flower. He knows how to show affection.
9. Knows how to handle money. The husband is the provider and has the financial responsibility. The wife may help him with the money and she may work, but he has to she that bills get paid.
10. Knows how to step back from work and spend time with his family.
11. Leader in the church in some capacity
12. Have a hobby, an outlet or a means of relaxation.

Whew! That is more than enough to chew on (and comment on) for one post) I will be posting the second portion of this interview later on today (won’t make you wait to long!”

Proposal Essentials

Tags

engagement, essentials, happiness, love, Mr. Perfect, proposal, relationships

I’m not the type of person who puts much stock in dreams beyond the fact that they bring out things in our subconcious–worries, desires, stress responses, etc. That being said, I do use my dreams sometimes as a springboard, to come up with some of the topics that I blog or write about in my stories. For example, the dream I had just a few hours ago:

I was somewhere with some friends and family, playing a card game, when Mr. Perfect rushes in and asks to speak to me. We go into this random, very antiseptic & clean bathroom, and he looks at me and says (really fast so I almost missed it) “I want you to marry me.” He didn’t really ask a question, but I said yes anyway and threw my arms around his neck. He had no ring, made no grand pronouncements, and was wearing jeans and an Ed Hardy t-shirt.

Now, let’s put this in perspective before I go into the actual purpose of this post. I went to Pink Susie’s yesterday for my cousin’s girlfriend’s birthday. They had a little barbeque and we played Skip-Bo, a card game. Mr. Perfect wore an Ed Hardy t-shirt and blue jean shorts. On Thursday, I deep cleaned my bathroom with Kaboom with Oxiclean and bought a new shower curtain. Mr. Pefect did not propose, lol, but I was asked when we were getting married, and my aunt pressed him about buying a house in Florida.

So now that we have the factual basis and subconscious ques out of the way, the point of this blog: what is essential for a proposal? What do you need to say yes, or, if you are a man or a really forward woman, what do you need to ask in the first place?

What emotional components are necessary for you to accept that you want to marry someone? All of the outside circumstances–having achieved the right amount of success, having the financial stability, having shown ourselves we can live without a man/woman, buying a house, or any of the other outside circumstances that fact into our decision– aside, what emotional items do you need to check off the list to decide that this is the one (or more realistically, unfortunately, in today’s society, the one for right now *sigh*)?  What’s most important emotionally for you to say yes to more than just the dress?

There are also those material things: Do you need the ring? How important is it for him/you to “get it right” with the ring, choosing a style that is uniquely you/your partner? What would you do if you got a “horrible” ring?

Then there’s the fairy tale aspects: How important is what he says, or will I simple, will you marry me, suffice for you? What magic words are you waiting to hear? How disappointed are you if he’s not eloquent, or fumbles a bit?

If there’s any real world meaning or application that my dream has, it’s that many of the elements that I need in a proposal were revealed. I don’t care about the ring or the how successful I am at the moment; I’ve proven to myself that I can take care of myself without someone; I don’t need a lot of flowery prose of pomp & circumstance. I need the certainty that this person loves & respects me, that this person wants to marry me, warts & all. It is that simple, and that decisive. There can’t be any hesitation or uncertainty. It really isn’t a question; it’s a statement. It’s not flowery & fairtale like, but it’s real, foundational. Someone has come to the conclusion that they can live without me, but they just don’t want to. I don’t need to be needed or necessary; I would rather be wanted.

Don’t get me wrong; a ring would be nice. I like music & candlelight, flowers, poetic words, and a bended knee as much as the next woman. But I know what’s essential for me to be happy longer than I do.

So, what are your essentials, or your “awwww-worthy” proposal stories?

Marriage Prep., or; Set in my Ways

Tags

change, consideration, engagement, faith, fidelity, husband, love, marriage, naked, pre-nup, sex, virginity, wife

There are some things that will have to change before I ever get married. I thought of this, not because I was asked, but because of something said at church about wives. It’s not that I didn’t agree with the statements, but because they made me seem a little too ready. So before I start to feel myself a little too much, I thought I’d share where I would be “closed for repairs” before I said I do.

1. I pimp my v-card too hard. When it’s pants weather, I don’t keep my legs free of hair. Why? I get to it when I feel like it, it gets too long, or the weather changes and I want to wear shorts or capris. While I trim, I don’t completely “mow the front lawn”…ain’t nobody supposed to be on my grass. My toes aren’t always painted. I have a few extra pounds that I can camouflage with the right clothes. But being naked is a real eye opener. Nobody sees all the details I let slide in favor of more sleep or to save a buck. When you get married, Vicki doesn’t leave a lot of secrets. I’d have to really step it up.

2. You want me to put what where? Yes, I do yoga, and though my pilates game has fallen off, I can do a lot of that too. And while I can get into some odd positions, I don’t have a high sex IQ. I don’t own a kama sutra. I don’t have any practice using my kegel muscles to do anything but keep me from peeing my pants. I don’t have the know how to do any freaky sneaky stuff that will turn anybody out. I might suck at sex (and not in a good way)!

3. Let me cater to…me! In a lot of ways, my man gets the royal treatment. I was taught to fix my man his plate first. I cook. I clean. I watch sports and go to church and would probably make a good mother. But there are whole days I devote to myself. I write. I pedicure/manicure. I wash my hair and wear a face mask. I listen to country music. I do nothing but watch movies in my PJs. I can’t have those lazy cow days so often when someone else is there that wants dinner, sex, clean socks, or needs me to look good at the drop of a hat and whip up something for the colleagues. I do some things because I want to and not because I have to. I gotta get my mind right before I agree to do it all the time, in writing, before God.
4. Til Death do us part? It’s easy to sit my unmarried self here and say there are only 2 biblical ways to absolve a marriage–infidelity and death. OK, and non-consummation, but that doesn’t absolve the marriage because it hasn’t begun. Where there is no blood there can be no covenant. But what about after I am married, and all those little things you forget to consider start to show up? What if I didn’t marry who I thought I did? Will I be in it for the long haul? I don’t worry about me as much as him: what if he is unhappy and leaves? What if I put myself out there and he says it’s not enough? Hopefully I will have covered the basics like money, religion, and children/child reang, but there is so much more.
5. make room for hubby. I will have to rid of some things, share the hot water in the morning, cook things that he likes as well as thing I like, consider what he may want to do and not just what I want to do, remember him when I’m shopping for groceries or household items. You have to make a lot of physical (and mental) room for someone else, even if you never really lived by this principle before. I have to call when there is a change in my routine to let him know I’ll be late, I can’t just go out when I want to and go home when I feel lie it. Truth be told, I don’t go out til crazy times at night, or get wild in the club now, but it’s the fact that I couldn’t then if I wanted to that would need some work.

6. …Or get your money back! I love money back guarantees. I have probably taken something back for a refund twice in my life that didn’t work, and gotten a fresh new one. But there are some things you give in a marriage that you will never get back if it doesn’t work: time, opportunities, virginity, sometimes friends and loved ones for various reasons. People who have been your family that you no longer have a tangible connection to you and who may decide that, in fairness to Mr. True Love, they can’t talk to you or get a bite to eat. Maybe your belief in the whole institution is scarred beyond recognition. Your faith in the humanity of another human being. But you still kinda, just a little, on days when the sun is shining, he pays on time, and he actually picks up the kids like he said he would, still love him. Once given, still there, even if it’s just a “we are the world” love, a “we had some good times, didn’t we?” love, a “he sure knew my spot” love. As Dru Hill asked in a (cover) song “What Do I Do with the Love?”

So how much time does one need, with the right person, to resolve all of these issues, and the plethora of others that come up before “I do” but after “Will you”? How long should an engagement be? What the heck should a person be nailing down in the engagement process? To pre-nup or not to pre-nup? At what age do you become a little too set in your ways to accept all of these changes?

2blu2btru

P.S. NOT rhetorical! Comment

Rules of Engagement, or; Mood Indigo

Tags

accomplishments, achievement, behind, career, co-worker, engagement, goals, life, love, mood indigo

I swear the universe likes to beat me over the head with whatever I try to avoid for its own childish amusement. I was happy with the way my weekend went and in good spirits. I bounce in to work minding my own business, smile on my face, greeting folks like it’s not a Monday. I go to sign in to my computer and hear this high-pitched “Did you get engaged this weekend?!” Screaming and ring flashing ensues. “How did he do it?” “How did you feel?” “My husband did this” Blah Blah Frickin’ Frackin’ Blah. Are you serious? Two weeks in a row I start my week off hearing/seeing somebody get proposed to/hear about the proposal. That leaves me, T, Ry, and Mel O. Drama unmarried and unengaged–and Ry and Mel are both gay and therefore can’t marry.

Luckily for me, no one at my job really cares about my relationship status or situation, so at least there was no barrage of “When are you going to get married’s?” However, this just drives home the point that I suck at life. Not because I’m not engaged/married, but none of my major life points have been checked off since “Graduate from college.”

I went to high school with rich, goal oriented people who now have great careers and participated in the Christian Student Center with people who have since gotten married and started families. I have done none of these things, and won’t in the forseeable future. Hello? I can’t even keep my first self imposed deadline to submit writing to get started on that writing career! Kids are pushed off at this point until after thirty by virtue of my time schedule for how long I want to be married and what I want to accomplish before kids. I live in an apartment and don’t own a house. Heck, I don’t even own my car! The only thing I seem to own are an ipod, tv, this computer, and some Harlequin romance novels.

I know it’s not exactly fair to beat myself up by comparing myself to where other individuals are in their lives, particularly those who haven’t had the experiences I’ve had (specifically my trials of the past few years), but sometimes you can’t help but wonder why, if you were so great and at the forefront and had it all together, how can you suddenly look up and find yourself miles behind the pack?

I didn’t feel like going to the pub for lunch and hearing the whole drawn out mess of how Blondie got engaged, so I begged off. It wouldn’t be fair for me to be a wet blanket on someone else’s happy little fire, so I took myself to McDonald’s. I didn’t bother with a happy meal either; there’s nothing happy about realizing you fall short in all the major areas of life.

I’m definitely having a mood indigo.

2blu2btru