Design of (Half) a Decade

Tags

anniversary, Decision2012, decisions, engagement, faith, Future, God, love, marriage, pre-marital counseling, regret

Some of you may think this has already happened because of my harping on the number in my decision2012 posts, but today is a special day. Today marks my five year dating anniversary with Mr. Perfect. In the past five years, I have: graduated college, almost paid off two cars, found a great job after a few mifits, lived in three apartments, wrote countless blog posts, lost four people very close to me, survived at least three awkward Thanksgivings, and just about finished the first book I will publish…and Mr. P. has been along for the whole crazy ride.

The intent of Decision2012 was to bring the focus back to our relationship as we evaluate if we want to get married or move on. The crazy thing is, though, is that God had already provided the avenues by which we could critically evaluate this before I put my little hands on it. In December, my church had a big marriage and family workshop. They decided to continue to have these forums the fourth Wednesday of every month of this year. This started before devision2012. I don’t know the need at our church for such workshops or who the intended audience was, but it’s definitely helped me.

Along with this has been the more personalized approach of premarital counseling. We have had to think deeply about aspects of marriage as they relate to us. We get to examine and investigate ourselves just as much as each other. Instead of me looking at everyone else getting engaged, getting married, and having babies while our lives pottered along lost in questions of where to eat or do we want to go to the movies, I was able to take a good look at my relationship and decide if this relationship is the one I want to progress towards marriage. We had discussed marriage before, but very vaguely. “I think we could possibly be progressing toward seriously considering marriage” has been replaced with seriously considering marriage.

The last five years has not been without their ups and downs for us both individually and as a couple. I think that we have done the work necessary to make a decision. I was watching an episode of Dr. Phil where a couple was contemplating divorce. Dr. Phil told them that they hadn’t done the work to get a divorce. He said they had to really work on their marriage and relationship to get to a place where either they would continue to be married and moving in a positive direction together or to a place where they had some peace about the relationship and could move forward as an individual knowing that they weren’t making a rash decision. Either way, there was some emotional work to do to get them to a place of wholeness and peace as individuals so that they could make adult decisions. I feel like we’ve done that work.

Our relationship has been mostly good. We don’t argue very often. We have many of the same interests. We have the same values. We seem to want the same things out of life. We make each other laugh with our pop culture references and bouts of silliness. We encourage each other in our times of sadness. We make each other reach for the better. Through this relationship, I’ve learned to be a better communicator, to commit random acts of selflessness, to accept another person’s opinion, to put someone else’s needs first sometimes. I’ve been able to see the impact of my faithful, optimistic outlook on life on someone else, to see how my living testimony has inspired someone else. I’ve known what it was like to have a partner and a support to help with things I want to accomplish. We have grown in maturity and grace in the last five years.

There are still a few more weeks left in pre-marital counseling and this year. We still have one more trip left in us (to New Orleans next Thursday). One more holiday season before decisions have to be made. It’s at times like this you may wonder if I’m regretting things–either the past five years of my relationship or my decision to either get engaged or go our separate ways at the end of this year. The only answer I can give to both of those is “no.” For whatever else it turns out to be, our relationship has been a learning and growing experience for me that is invaluable to my life going forward, in whatever form “forward” takes. Perhaps if God hadn’t allowed there to be so many convenient ways for us to focus on marriage and what His word says about it; if we hadn’t had the opportunity to explore what marriage would look like for us without the commitment of being engaged; if we hadn’t had the opportunity to talk to so many people with so many different marriages; maybe then I would be hesitant over Decison2012. But the essentials to make the decision have been graciously provided to us. I have been in prayer my attitude towards marriage, asking for clarity and wisdom to make the right decisions. I’ve prayed for Mr. Perfect and his process of deciding what he wants to do, that it will be in line with God’s will for him with or without me. I’ve done the work.

Being the romantic that I am, I have always wanted getting engaged to be…effortless. I wanted flowers and sweet words. Somehow I, who never seems to have her nails done, would have perfectly manicured nails with which to take “look at my ring!” pictures. There would be a photographer hidden away capturing the moment for posterity. I’ve written proposals Shakespeare would be proud of in my head to mark the occasion. I would love to be taken by surprise and swept off my feet, but I’ve honestly enjoyed our process. I have felt relieved to look at rings and gently guide him towards something more my style. I like having discussed many of the possible hiccups after the honeymoon stage. I like feeling sure that this could work apart from all the warm fuzzies of a proposal. Perhaps it will leave me free to feel only happy bubbly emotion at the time of a proposal. Hopefully, I will still get to be surprised in some way.

This post is not the post I intended to write, but it’s the one I felt needed to be written. Later on, I will write my usual “Happy Anniversary” post, filled with the highlights of our year together. But for now, I am just being a bit introspective (and long-winded). Don’t let me get maudlin; tell me some happy relationship stories!

XOXO

2blu2btru

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• Nobody Wants Heterosexual Women to Propose Marriage (Including Heterosexual Women) (jezebel.com)
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• Examine your motivation to marry (sacbee.com)
• Oh Hey! I’m Engaged (Small Steps for Big Change)

Scraps of Paper in a Book…

Tags

Craft, Future, love, relationships, scrapbook, story

In deep thought...Image via Wikipedia

I’m not crafty. This may surprise you, seeing as though I’m creative. I have no abilities to draw a circle or cut in a straight line. All of my small motor skills are either deficient or non-existent. I can’t stitch a hem, crotchet a rug, embroider a dress, or cut out a pattern. I take good pictures, though, and I keep everything. So it’s no surprise that I thought I could try my hand at getting crafty with a scrapbook–not just any scrapbook, a relationship scrapbook.

You remember when I told you about this, right? Years ago, in “Scrapbooked and Other Musings on Love?” No? Well, I’m going to tell you what happened with the whole scrapbooking thing anyway.

Yesterday, I was emptying out my wallet. It was full of receipts and bits of paper that I’d written blog post ideas and character names on. Once I’d cleared all of that out, I opened a zip and found at least a half dozen movie tickets. I sat and looked at them for a second, and thought, “these go with the scrapbooking things.”

To answer your question, no, I haven’t started the stupid scrapbook. I bought four pages, but I never bought the book, nor did I start taking more pictures to include in my scrapbook. Most of the items belonging in the scrapbook are in an acid/linign free plastic scrapbook bits holder-thingie. As I pulled this out, I began going through the bits of paper inside, strolling down memory lane: bright bits of arm bands, CityWalk and Disney Passes, Playbills, Basketball game tickets, concert tickets, movie stubs, cards, gift boxes, cards from flowers–all of the bits that comprise a three year relationship (except pictures–OK there were two). There’s even a pair of chopsticks and a table napkin.

When I began collecting all of these bits, I didn’t have any idea of the things that would end up among my collection. I’m still not sure what I have in my hands when I look at all of those bits. I’m sure that my hands hold memories of experiences, fond memories, but what else is it? Some people make scrapbooks as a hobby, as a creative outlet–much like some people use blogging. I use everything in my life to tell a story, so my scraps of paper (and hypothetical scrapbook) would have to tell a story. I’m just not sure what the story is yet. I can’t put this scrapbook together without knowing what the end will be.

But this is becoming like that poem about the red wheelbarrow (I’m sure you know the one), and it shouldn’t be. Why can’t I just piece it together as it goes and see it take shape? Why do I have to put the outside boundaries of a puzzle together first, then fill in the details?

Here’s the real question: What would I do with this big hefty book if things didn’t work out? When I talked to my minister during his marriage kit interview, it struck me that if it didn’t work and I married someone else, my scrapbook would have to go. No more ghosts of boyfriends past. But sitting there, looking at three plus years of laughs, tears, certainty, uncertainty, growth, and shared lives, it just doesn’t seem possible to knock that dust off of your feet and just continue on, never to return. Besides, I’d never throw away a good story.

So I’m putting it to you, dear readers, creepers, random visitors, IRL friends, and nosy people (who are friends to the room): To scrapbook or not to scrapbook? Did you scrapbook? Do you have an ex-scrapbook? What happened to it? Am I making a big to do about nothing? Want to psychoanalyze me? Leave your two cents after the beep…

BEEP!

xoxo

 2blu2btru 

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• Breaking out the scrapbook supplies… (beccacreations.wordpress.com)
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• What I Learned at ScrapSchool! (scrapbookwithoutwork.wordpress.com)

The Thrill is Gone: Chasers

Tags

forward progression, Future, going in circles, pursuit, the thrill of the chase, what are you chasing, what's chasing you

You may look like this to people you're "pursuing"...scary, isn't it? Image via Wikipedia

In a previous post, I wrote about people being pursued–by their past, by their own fear of failure, depression, or their own timeline for getting things accomplished. Sometimes, they are being chased by people. I said some of you wouldn’t be able to relate, because you’re doing the chasing, and that was a subject for another post. Well, here’s another post…

One of the most horrifying recurring dreams I had as a child was of being chased. It didn’t matter what I was being chased by–bees, Freddy Krueger, some unknown, unseen predator–I woke up drenched in sweat. I’ve changed my route home when I might be chased by a vicious dog. It was inconvenient, but not as inconvenient as possibly having to run for my life.

I’m sure you can think of many situation s in which being chased is a very bad thing. Many men and women, for example, view dating as the great chase. they feel like the rabbit at the grey hound races, being pursued by packs of salivating, overeager dogs that come out of the gate running. Or like someone being chased by the cops. Some people like the thrill of the chase, but after a while, it’s more like a manhunt, and no one likes to be pursued or run to ground that way.

So why are we doing it?

While sometimes we feel chased by our past failure or mistakes in such a way that we lose sight of the future ahead of us, being future focused can be just as detrimental. We can be so focused on who or what we think is our future that we lose sight of the present and all of its opportunities for future growth and success. The future starts in the present. What are you doing now to position yourself for the future you want, aside from running through the present at top speed?

Not all of us focused on what we want our future to be are progressing; futhermore, not all progression is forward. Some of us are like those greyhounds I mentioned before–out of the starting gates each morning, going in circles. We never catch the rabbit. If we ever did, we’d find it wasn’t real to begin with.

You don’t want to go in circles day after day, nor do you want to race past all of the enjoyable moments in life. We don’t want to always be impatiently scurrying through life wit the “I can’t wait” “hurry up” attitude:

-I can’t wait until Friday

-I can’t wait until I’m done with school (or insert goal here)

-He needs to hurry up & marry me; what is he waiting for?

-I can’t wait to get home; my job/co-workers/these customers are working my last nerve.

-God needs to send me a new (insert here)

-Girl as soon as I (insert thing you KNOW you aren’t actively working towards here), I’m going to be straight.

-If I could just get to (the next paycheck, this big payout, this awesome vacation), I’d be fine.

-When he/she FINALLY starts taking care of their responsibilities, my life will be easier.

My encouragement to you would be to slow down. Getting to where you want to be in life is like getting from home to somewhere you’ve never been before. Take in where you are. Consult some sort of map. I’m here; this is where I want to be, how best do I get from here to there? Where can I stop to refuel? When do I get out and stretch? Where can I stop for the night if I need to? Is my car in working order? Is this really where I’m supposed to be going?

A word about people. I’m sure someone is playing hard to get, but usually, they really just don’t want you. Or, if they do, they want a little less of you. Don’t be afraid to do your own thing sometimes. Let somebody miss you. Be fulfilled in other ways. Bring a sane whole person to the table. If it’s clear they don’t want you, accept that it’s not meant to be and move on with life.

The bottom line: Some people may enjoy the thrill of the chase, but if the thrill is gone, you don’t have to keep chasing. Make sure you’re chasing something you actually want to catch, and that you’re not just going in circles; it makes a good R&B song, but a sad, sad life.

Leave your two cents after the beep.

BEEP!

Balance and Flexibility

Tags

balance, flexibility, Future, leap of faith, love, marriage, Master of Fine Arts, MFA, Relationship

Image via Wikipedia

There is one major discussion that I keep having with Mr. Perfect about our relationship that I think a lot of couples have. It’s about the future–yes, that scary, nebulous, unformed thing that is always in the distance, always alluding you, until you make plans for it, and then somehow you wake up in the midst of it. In an ideal world, perfect and balanced, we would all go about our lives, advancing in our careers and crossing things off of our to do list until we got into the perfect position to meet someone and pursue a relationship. We would then decide to marry this acceptable person. We would have the money, the home, the career, and everything we felt was necessary to begin our lives together.

However, we do not live in a perfect world. Many of us had ideas of the positions we wanted to be in before marriage that would take us many more years to accomplish than we first expected. Laden with student loans that keep our debt to income ratio high, poor credit scores that make qualifying for home loans impossible, employers so scared by the current economic crisis they won’t promote or give sufficient raises, and too uncertain a future to risk going back to school or taking a sabbatical to write that book you’ve been meaning to, we are faced with the choice of putting off love and marriage or starting out with less than idealistic conditions.

I’ve heard the “two is better than one” argument for getting married and working together to improve your situation and prospects. Mr. Perfect leans towards the “I can’t concentrate on the thought of marriage and family until I get A, B, & C done.” I’ve weighed the merits of building a life together versus having a life that you welcome a significant other into. I’ve seen people marry in their late twenties and thirties, having built their careers and had their own houses, struggle to sell one of their homes and generally adjust to someone else having an opinion or say so in their day to day lives. What is a young couple to do?

I firmly believe that all plans for the future should have flexibility and contingency plans. I would love to be a debt free homeowner with an established career and have written a book before I’m married, sure, but realistically, I’m nearly 26 with 30k of student loan debt, mild to moderately jacked up credit, no agent, and no time to query or write synopses, nor extra money for entry fees, reading fees, and etc. I can’t justify getting my MFA at the moment, and going for a Master’s of Library science (my second choice) is not something I’d be able to afford without a library that hired me helping to pay for it. There are a lot of years between me and my ideal position, and all the while, my window for developing a solid marital foundation before the addition of children is steadily closing. People will pass me by as well.

How do you strike a balance between being in a position to welcome/accept the progression of a relationship to marriage with the flexibility to take a leap of faith with the right person despite your position?

My position is it boils down to mental preparation. If you are open to love and decided on the individual, both of you can work on progressing as an interdependent, self-supporting unit. If you aren’t mentally ready, that’s another thing altogether. But I wouldn’t let timing keep me from solidifying me future into a fulfilling experience that includes us and our dreams as well as my dreams.

But what do you all think? How did your love stories come together, or fall apart? What really turned out to be important? On which side of the debate between material preparedness and leap of faith do you fall down?

Related Articles

• 7 Things I’ve Learned in 7 Years of Marriage (psychcentral.com)
• 12 Dating Traps and Solutions (socyberty.com)
• Do You Have Any Regrets About Relationships? (thegloss.com)
• I’m trapped in marriage (salon.com)
• Bullish: Picking a Boyfriend Who Doesn’t Hold Back Your Career or Bank Account (thegloss.com)