What’s in Your Marriage Kit? Minister Part II

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Christian relationships, commitment, engagement, engagement preparedness, husband, love, marriage, marriage kit, marriage preparedness, relationships, wife

In the previous marriage kit post, we were interviewing my minister about marriage. He will be married for 19 years on August 17th. He has shared his views on  how to get to know someone and what the qualifications for a husband/wife are. In part two of the interview, we are discussing red flags to look for, how independent women affect relationships, Always Something Better Syndrome (ASBS), commitment phobia, common issues in marriage, and what people need to be doing during engagement and their first year of marriage for a solid foundation.

12. What are some red flags to look for?

Someone who is unaccountable. I believe you see everything up front before you go in. Don’t believe you can change it; accept that it’s there. Accept what you see.

14. How do we know that “this is who God has for me?” Is that a notion you agree with?

Proverbs 31 is the wife God has for a Christian Man. God doesn’t choose who we marry; He chose what we marry. You know what God chose for you *I shake my head* A male. *Laughs* God leaves the decision up to us, so we can be held accountable for our decisions.

15. How does a man find a wife?

He looks where Godly women are to be found. You find a good wife like you find a church *references Proverbs 31* By referring to scripture, wise council–you have to involve older people.

16. How do you feel ideas of independent women affect relationships?

I believe that has been brought on by an atmosphere of illegitimate children, irresponsible husbands/fathers, the economy, home structure, and supply/demand. Girls are made to work; they are held to a higher standard. Women are more aggressive &  studious. It can cripple a Christian home if a woman does not value her role in being submissive to her husband. It’s brought on by negative impulses, culture/tv glamorizing independent women. It’s a climate of default, with women having been defrauded by me. A man has to be sensitive to the fact that this is something she has had to do and over time gain her trust and confidence and show that she can depend on him.

17. What are your thoughts on ASBS? Does such a syndrome exist?

I think that it needs to happen and not be forced. A person needs to allow themselves to feel that something is right. If a person is really given to God, two people can meet a certain personality and just click; certain personalities clash. I think you need to expand, go broader, expand your borders, step out of your comfort zone.

18. How long should an engagement be? When should you get married?

Immediately–time depends on length of courtship. If you date five years, one month; if you date 1 yr., 4-6 months for arrangements, housing. But no longer than six months.

19. What should you be doing the first year of marriage?

Enjoying yourself. Taking out all elements of fear; validating “you made the right choice”; implementing conflict management strategies, financial management; learning how to respect each other’s space, show good faith; implement your theories discussed while dating/engaged.

20. How do you navigate In-law relationships & family relationships?

When you have an issue with your partner, call their people–they will still love him afterwards & they have insight into their character. Don’t call your people and complain about your spouse. Also, never lend to your family, check with your spouse; make sure your family knows they have to go to your spouse for things and vice versa. They will be nicer to them knowing they have that kind of say so, and it prevent arguments like “you’re always lending your family money.”

From the cutting room floor: comments that didn’t fit anywhere else:

• Allow yourself an opportunity to meet someone that when something funny happens at work, she would be the first person you’ll call.
• Doctrinal reasons alone would not have kept us together; the idea of marriage was solely based on Christianity, but staying married influenced by upbringing. We weren’t ready for marriage when we got married.
• based on divine righteousness, it becomes greater than personalities clicking.

Gender Roles Discussion Part Two

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Christ, Christian relationships, church, Commitment-Phobe Man Syndrome, gender, gender roles, God, head, husband, Independent Woman Syndrome, love, marriage, respect, roles, submission, trust, wife, wifey material

I get the impression that maybe the title of the other part put some of you off of the subject, so I titled this one simply, lol. Or maybe you were waiting for the conclusion. So, without further ado, where we left off…

The biggest impediment to establishing roles is trust. I don’t trust you to do it like I would like it done. I don’t trust you not to forget to do it. I don’t trust you to make the right decision for both of us & not just you. I can’t say I will obey you because I don’t trust that whatever you ask will be something I both can do & agree is the best thing to do. I don’t trust you can do what I ask. I don’t trust you not to go against what we agreed to & “do you.”

There’s also communication. Do you agree on what the words used to describe your role mean? Is submission to him brainless devotion & no opinions? Is provider to her someone who works so I can shop, go to the spa, & spend money without working? Sometimes we assume all words mean the same thing to all people, but this isn’t the case. Communication is key in every aspect of a relationship.

Finally, there’s the Independent Woman/Commitment-Phobe Man syndromes. Women are getting so independent, they don’t need a man for anything–and spend so much time trying to proe it, they destroy good relationships. They berate & belittle men who make less than them. They impress so forcefully upon men that they aren’t needed, the men begin to feel they aren’t wanted, either. They feel they have so much in wealth, career, etc. to safeguard and protect they can’t be as open in the relationship as they should be. Their lists of things they can’t accept begins to outweigh the things they can. They’ve been doing it all alone so long, they can’t seem to do it with anyone else. They are not merely independent–they are impenetrable (Note: This is not true of all women with careers or who consider themselves independent; these are characteristics of a syndrome.)

Then you have mens so scared of being trapped, of not being able to be with a diffrent person every night if he wanted ( which he may very well NOT want), they can’t commit. They say they will commit, but they will only commit when Perfection in a size two comes along. They can say this because they know she’s probably not coming. Any sign of permanence from a forgotten hairbrush to a question on where this relationship is going is an appeal for a ring and sounds like prison bars closing. *Clink* They can’t settle down with you because there is always something better that they have to hold out for. After all, with so many more women than men, they should be able to find exactly what they are looking for, and they shouldn’t settle; settle is a bad word, no matter what it’s attached to, except maybe court settlements.

Once you get past all of this, you have to acknowledge that marriage is an institution, a business. It worlks like any other business. I, like many, have a boss. Even if you own your own business, you are subject to government fair business practices. Everyone has someone to answer to and no one is above the law. This structure, this hierarchy of position & responsibility is important and should be maintained. This is where the roles come into play for me.

God is the head. Our marriage relationship must mirror Christ’s relationship to the church. The man is like Christ and the woman is like the Church in this model. The man is answerable to Christ, as is the woman, but the woman is subject to her husband. Wives are exhorted to submit to their husbands and men are exhorted to love their wives as the church (Ephesians 5:21-32).  Here’s what the Bible reads in Ephesians 5:21-32, the New International Version (Via Bible Gateway):

²¹Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

 ²²Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ²³For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

 ²⁵Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶to make her holy, cleansing^[b] her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰for we are members of his body. ³¹“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”^{[c] 32}This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Here’s where we get into those tricky words: submission & love.

Submission is not the mindless follow of a lemming right over the cliff’s edge. It has more to do with my relationship with God than to a husband: God said it, I will do it. But let’s explain what it means.

This definition of submit gives a full picture of what I think the Bible means:

 : to present or propose to another for review, consideration, or decision;
3 : to put forward as an opinion or contention  1 a : to yield oneself to the authority or will of another : surrender b : to permit oneself to be subjected to something
2 : to defer to or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another

You can still have an opinion and be submissive. A loving husband will seek your opinion. Just like your boss has authority but listens to your suggestions, so your husband should listen to you. He ultimately makes the final call, but he should do so while fulfilling his role to love you as Christ loves the church. Submission is not forced; you have to consent to submit. You are showing your submission to God’s will by submitting to your husband.

The man is supposed to love his wife as himself and as Christ loves the Church. Christ gave His life for the Church, and we all know how we love ourselves. We would never make decisions that aren’t in our best interests. We would belittle ourselves or not adequately provide for ourselves. We listen to ourselves. We hurt when any part of our body hurts. We treat ourselves with gentleness and respect. By taking such loving care of your wife, you are showing your submission to the will of God.

None of that says that the man has to write the checks and the woman has to cook. None of this says men have to make more money or be smarter than their wives. None of this says woman should have no say in what kind of car they have or how to disipline the children. None of this is easy.

God addressed things it would be hard for us to do. Women are supposed to be better at loving; it supposedly comes more naturally to our nature. We don’t have to be told to be loving (most of us). Eve was always intended to be a helpmate for Adam, but she took charge when she ate the fruit and gave some to Adam. She was seduced into believing she could be like God (Genesis 3). She didn’t want to help; she wanted to take charge.

Many of us have the same idea today that we know better than any man (and, consequently, God) how it should be and that no man is going to tell us to do anything. But God set the order/positions and doled out the responsibilities! Disobedience costs mankind greatly.

And that’s how I feel about it. You can (respectfully) disagree, agree, or whatever else strikes you as (respectfully) appropriate after the beep…

*Beep*

Marriage Prep., or; Set in my Ways

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change, consideration, engagement, faith, fidelity, husband, love, marriage, naked, pre-nup, sex, virginity, wife

There are some things that will have to change before I ever get married. I thought of this, not because I was asked, but because of something said at church about wives. It’s not that I didn’t agree with the statements, but because they made me seem a little too ready. So before I start to feel myself a little too much, I thought I’d share where I would be “closed for repairs” before I said I do.

1. I pimp my v-card too hard. When it’s pants weather, I don’t keep my legs free of hair. Why? I get to it when I feel like it, it gets too long, or the weather changes and I want to wear shorts or capris. While I trim, I don’t completely “mow the front lawn”…ain’t nobody supposed to be on my grass. My toes aren’t always painted. I have a few extra pounds that I can camouflage with the right clothes. But being naked is a real eye opener. Nobody sees all the details I let slide in favor of more sleep or to save a buck. When you get married, Vicki doesn’t leave a lot of secrets. I’d have to really step it up.

2. You want me to put what where? Yes, I do yoga, and though my pilates game has fallen off, I can do a lot of that too. And while I can get into some odd positions, I don’t have a high sex IQ. I don’t own a kama sutra. I don’t have any practice using my kegel muscles to do anything but keep me from peeing my pants. I don’t have the know how to do any freaky sneaky stuff that will turn anybody out. I might suck at sex (and not in a good way)!

3. Let me cater to…me! In a lot of ways, my man gets the royal treatment. I was taught to fix my man his plate first. I cook. I clean. I watch sports and go to church and would probably make a good mother. But there are whole days I devote to myself. I write. I pedicure/manicure. I wash my hair and wear a face mask. I listen to country music. I do nothing but watch movies in my PJs. I can’t have those lazy cow days so often when someone else is there that wants dinner, sex, clean socks, or needs me to look good at the drop of a hat and whip up something for the colleagues. I do some things because I want to and not because I have to. I gotta get my mind right before I agree to do it all the time, in writing, before God.
4. Til Death do us part? It’s easy to sit my unmarried self here and say there are only 2 biblical ways to absolve a marriage–infidelity and death. OK, and non-consummation, but that doesn’t absolve the marriage because it hasn’t begun. Where there is no blood there can be no covenant. But what about after I am married, and all those little things you forget to consider start to show up? What if I didn’t marry who I thought I did? Will I be in it for the long haul? I don’t worry about me as much as him: what if he is unhappy and leaves? What if I put myself out there and he says it’s not enough? Hopefully I will have covered the basics like money, religion, and children/child reang, but there is so much more.
5. make room for hubby. I will have to rid of some things, share the hot water in the morning, cook things that he likes as well as thing I like, consider what he may want to do and not just what I want to do, remember him when I’m shopping for groceries or household items. You have to make a lot of physical (and mental) room for someone else, even if you never really lived by this principle before. I have to call when there is a change in my routine to let him know I’ll be late, I can’t just go out when I want to and go home when I feel lie it. Truth be told, I don’t go out til crazy times at night, or get wild in the club now, but it’s the fact that I couldn’t then if I wanted to that would need some work.

6. …Or get your money back! I love money back guarantees. I have probably taken something back for a refund twice in my life that didn’t work, and gotten a fresh new one. But there are some things you give in a marriage that you will never get back if it doesn’t work: time, opportunities, virginity, sometimes friends and loved ones for various reasons. People who have been your family that you no longer have a tangible connection to you and who may decide that, in fairness to Mr. True Love, they can’t talk to you or get a bite to eat. Maybe your belief in the whole institution is scarred beyond recognition. Your faith in the humanity of another human being. But you still kinda, just a little, on days when the sun is shining, he pays on time, and he actually picks up the kids like he said he would, still love him. Once given, still there, even if it’s just a “we are the world” love, a “we had some good times, didn’t we?” love, a “he sure knew my spot” love. As Dru Hill asked in a (cover) song “What Do I Do with the Love?”

So how much time does one need, with the right person, to resolve all of these issues, and the plethora of others that come up before “I do” but after “Will you”? How long should an engagement be? What the heck should a person be nailing down in the engagement process? To pre-nup or not to pre-nup? At what age do you become a little too set in your ways to accept all of these changes?

2blu2btru

P.S. NOT rhetorical! Comment