Behind the Scenes

Tags

behind the scenes, fails, introspection, life, New Year's Resolution, share, wins, word of the Year

Little known fact about me: I love documentaries and “docu-series” about concerts. There’s something about seeing what goes on behind the scenes of performances which gives me a greater appreciation for the show an artist puts on. Seeing performers battle through all the glitches and personal issues to deliver a stellar performance adds a little something special to the pot for me. And I’m nosy. I want to know all the things that go into making the spectacle possible.

I’ve been watching Mariah’s World on E! When I heard about this show, I knew Mariah’s engagement was called off, but I didn’t know anything about the tour or what the show’s spin/angle would be. I wasn’t sure if they would address her broken engagement. I was in it for the behind the scenes peak into what makes a large production run. And to see if she hit her notes. Let’s be real. A couple of her live performances lately haven’t been up to par. Like I said, I’m nosy.

If you’re looking for a point to all of this, here it is: even in concert documentaries, everything you see is carefully curated. We rarely see the real, raw, behind the scenes action. Producers piece together story lines from the raw material. When someone you follow on Instagram posts a hi res photo of their kid having a meltdown or their face sans makeup with a thoughtful caption reminding you not to compare your life to their highlight reel, they aren’t showing you the worst moment of their day. No one stops in the middle of the truly messy moment to whip out their camera or phone and take a picture. They’re too busy trying to deal.

Indeed, we all live our lives this way to varying degrees. Despite our best efforts, all we can process is a carefully curated version of events in our lives. It’s easy to see things from our perspective and believe we are looking at the full picture. It’s easy to miss the nuances, the messages, the moments in which we messed up.  It’s difficult to be real, even with ourselves.

I have this radical goal. My word for 2017 is “share,” and I want to share with you. I want to be honest. But I realize the futility of trying to share everything. Once I start thinking about how to share information, it’s already being curated, placed into a more logical order. I’m drawing conclusions and putting more emphasis on the parts which support my conclusions. I’m thinking of ways to explain away the things which don’t fit.

This is a truth wrestling with since I read this line in The Souls of Black Folk by W.E.B. DuBois during D.E.A.R. in the eighth grade:

M]emory fails especially in small details, so that it becomes finally but a theory of my life, with much forgotten and misconceived, with valuable testimony but often less than absolutely true despite my best intention

If I’m really going to do this sharing thing, here, on other blogs, or in memoir form, the best I can give you is theory, a true account of my life from my perspective and what I can glean of others’. I’m going to have misconceptions about things that happen. I’m going to forget things. I’m going to gloss over things which may seem vitally important in later years. But I’m going to share, not only my life, struggles, and triumphs, but my God. I’ll share the people who are most important to me, the things I feel are imperative to say, and small things I believe will be important to remember later. Like…

I’m leading a book club. A  younger sister at church asked me to, and I said yes. We have our first meeting Saturday to discuss Make It Happen by Lara Casey.

I have a radio interview next month to talk about my books with my sister in Christ and her listening audience. More details to come.

I started C25K today, and it SUCKED. I got a cramp in my calf and my hip. I paused the program a few times. The 30 minute program took me 45 minutes, an average of two minutes slower per mile than I walk. But I finished.

This is my version of what happens when I stop being polite and start getting real (word to the reality TV show Real World).

XOXO,

Erica

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30 for 30

Tags

Birthday, goals, introspection, life, reflection

In about 32 days, I will be 30.

Yeah, I’m still processing that myself. In all of this day to day hustle and bustle of life, time has been marching on. That makes me sad to think about all of the days that I was just trying to get through, all the weeks I was looking forward to getting over and done with. It makes me want so much more for myself, to be so much more fulfilled.

I know what you’re thinking. “Of course you feel that way now. Thirty is just one of those birthdays where people have another quarter life crisis. You did the same thing at 25, and you might keel over from the crisis when you turn 40. Get over it.” It’s just another birthday, another day on the calendar. My life isn’t that bad, blah blah.

Here’s the thing, though. I didn’t sign up to live a life that’s “not that bad.” I didn’t sign up to live a life of mediocre days that I just wanted to be over so I could reach the weekend, my payday, my vacation time, etc. I am tired of wasting days that should be spent doing something that I feel adds to other people’s lives and pushes them closer to Christ.

It seems ungrateful of me, and downright stupid, for Christ to come so that I can have this more abundant life and I’m just…existing. Just…trying to make it. To just see glimpses of what it truly means to be living out my purpose. To see other people stepping out on faith and doing these great things and yearn for a chance to follow my dreams and ambitions that way.

I say none of this to negate the things I have accomplished and do enjoy in my life. God blessed me to write an amazing book. I’m starting to get requests to speak at events and have secured spots to be a vendor at others. I’ve been working on other writing projects and working to get more of them out into the world. I’ve been focusing on deepening and improving my relationships. I’ve seen a lot of growth within myself.

But sometimes, when I look at the complete picture of my life as an almost thirty year old, I feel like I’m behind. It can be difficult to restrain myself from trying to “catch up,” to believe that I’m right on time for my life. Things haven’t happened when I wanted them to, but they are happening when they are supposed to happen.

I have to be honest: sometimes it sure doesn’t feel that way. I could bury myself in I should have been statements. I read a story at least once a day of someone quitting their job to pursue their dream or their calling, or someone who decides to get married and plans this beautiful wedding in two months because they don’t want to wait to start life together. I see people who have fought their way into their dream jobs, who finally found homes to buy, who have birthed babies. I see all of these people who are where I thought I would be this close to thirty and far beyond. It’s not that what I had planned was so impossible, so unattainable; it just didn’t happen for me.

The other day after a particularly bad day at work, I sat in my car so frustrated. I longed to be able to listen to someone coming down on me for something so ridiculous and say, as calmly as you please “That’s cool. Consider this my two weeks.” But…bills. Responsibilities. Obligations. Necessities like food and water and lights. I don’t get to quit my day job to chase my purpose. If I don’t do whatever it is, there is no one else. If I’m ever going to be able to write and speak full time, it’s going to take a lot more time and planning.

As I’ve been examining every nook and cranny of my life, there are so many things that need to change, many of which are coming to a head. The time to act on them is at hand. I’m not going to worry about the things I can’t control, only those I can. In the next 30-ish days, I’m going to share what I’m going to be working on the year that I am 30.

XOXO,

Erica

What is God Doing?!

Tags

criticism, crossroads, decisions, fitness, goals, introspection, reflection, weight

I come from two large families–literally and figuratively. People tend to be short and on the heavy side on both sides of the family. No matter how skinny and fit they start out, most end up overweight. When I was younger, I was fit. I ran all the time and walked or biked everywhere.  I wasn’t in any organized sports and I wasn’t biking or running to maintain my weight; it was something I enjoyed doing. The fact I stayed in shape because of these activities was a bonus I didn’t even acknowledge.

Even though I wasn’t too concerned about my weight, I was always threatened with getting fat. It grew especially bad after I went to college. Every time I would eat anything in front of certain family members, they would joke that if I ate that I would “become one of the butt sisters.” They would point out that I was putting on weight and I needed to do something. They would pat my stomach or make comments on my body parts. It grew to be a constant battle to be around family because of the harsh criticisms. For perspective, at the time this was at its peak, I was 115-120 pound at 4’11: curvy, but not fat by any estimation.

Backing up in this story, I had low self-esteem for most of my life, mostly centered around my looks. All I had was a nice figure, long hair, and pretty eyes. I didn’t dwell on my perceived lack of looks because I was a genius, a literary prodigy. But in 2006, when the criticism reached its zenith, I was sitting out a year of college because of inadequate financial aid, living in a different state, working two and three jobs, and feeling so far off course no map could tell me how to get back on track. The very last thing I needed was to have my remaining virtues criticized.

It had taken me a while to find self-esteem, and everyone was knocking it down. I saw the weight gain as inevitable looking at both sides of my family and family history. I was fighting against the tide. I wasn’t intentionally letting myself go; it was biology. I could do my best and maintain what I could, but it was out of my hands.

But I had hope that one day, who I was would be enough for someone besides my immediate family. One day I would marry someone who loved me for who I was as a person, not just a physical body. I would be accepted, and we would grow better together in all areas, including this one. Someone would accept me where I was and be willing to start building from there.

My greatest fear was that my family would be right, that I wouldn’t get married because I talked too much and weighed too to be an attractive prospect. No one would be sold on me enough to marry me. I couldn’t be who I was and get married. My outside would be a bigger impediment than my inside was an attraction, and I would always fall short. I fell short with financial aid, writing, and all the things I had been good at; why would something I knew I wasn’t good at be any different?

People like to say God has a sense of humor when they find themselves in situations that they’ve actively avoided or with people they’ve actively avoided, like when people say your mate is a mirror and mean the other person helps them see things in themselves they weren’t able to see before. I believe that God makes us face things we don’t want to face for our growth and good. For me, one of those things is my how I look and the way I treat my body. I’m in a position where the thing I don’t want to deal with is the one thing holding me back from where I want to go, and I have no idea how to move forward.

Maybe I’m supposed to realize I’m worth more than my looks and walk away from demands that I fit into a certain mold physically. Maybe I’m supposed to learn to take better care of myself and still not accept a conditional acceptance from anyone. Or maybe I’m being nudged to conquer this because it’s holding me back in other areas in which God is trying to move me forward. I confess I have no idea what God is doing or why this has come to a head. But I know I’m going to give this my best shot–not to please others, or even myself, but to see what it is God is trying to show me.

XOXO,

Erica

My Last Reflections as a 28-year-old

Tags

active, Birthday, dreams, goals, growth, introspection, pursuit, reflections, relationships, writing

The year that I have been twenty-eight has been one that has had more ups than downs and one that has been about choices. The past year wasn’t the year that I was expecting to have, as I’ve previously mentioned, but it was a good year.

One of my favorite openings to a novel is the opening to Their Eyes Were Watching God:

Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board. For some they come in with the tide. For others they sail forever on the horizon, never out of sight, never landing until the Watcher turns his eyes away in resignation, his dreams mocked to death by Time. That is the life of men.

Now, women forget all those things they don’t want to remember, and remember everything they don’t want to forget. The dream is the truth. Then they act and do things accordingly.”

The reason I’ve rolled out this quote is because in the year of twenty-eight, I have stopped waiting for the ship of dreams to “come in with the tide.” I’ve also stopped watching it “sail forever on the horizon.” At this point I’m acting and doing accordingly.

One year ago today, I may have been filled with a different kind of excitement. I had thoughts of an imminent happily ever after dancing in my head. I had gotten great reviews on the job, had a wonderful vacation two months prior in New Orleans, paid off a car, and was moving forward, finally, in my relationship. Even though the car had been totaled, this very day I rode out of the dealership in a car with a much better interest rate that was a lot newer. But there were things missing–those dreams.

I was still kind of pursuing the writing thing but not really. I was keeping it in my sights, writing when the inspiration struck and getting caught up in research, but it wasn’t going anywhere. I had bought a domain for my website, but getting it up and working was slow going. I knew I was on a crash course with a character that I’d created, Maggie. I was going to be that woman who was going back to her high school reunion, not having lived up to her potential, without being published or married or living the life she dreamed. And that sucked a little bit. or a lot.

While I didn’t leave the gate running, I did get out of it, and during the year I was (and still am until Monday) twenty-eight, I accomplished more than I could’ve imagined:

• I finished the bulk of my Marriage Kit book (I’ll reveal the title on my birthday, maybe?)
• I went to my 10 year high school reunion and didn’t die of jealousy, embarrassment, and/or envy.
•  I entered So You Think You Can Write.
• I completed NaNoWriMo 2013 successfully for the first time.
• I took on more responsibilities at work and received a stellar review.
• I bought the domain for my writing site.
• I found a beta reader and two critique partners.
• I joined the online Harlequin Community.
• I began reviewing for Harlequin Junkie.
• I began reviewing on my writing blog.
• I revised my NaNoWriMo story, Delivering Justice.
• I entered two pitch contests and received requests from both.
• I entered Cupid’s Lit Connections’ Blind Speed Dating Contest to find an agent.
• I submitted Delivering Justice to an editor upon request (!!!).
• I’ve gotten up at 5am consistently to read and review books, write and revise my manuscripts, and outline future books.

In other words, I acted and did things accordingly. There are still dreams to be gone after, areas in which I haven’t ticked off as many boxes as I would like–health & beauty, fitness, relationships and networking, financially–but I’m pretty proud of the strides that I made in the past year.

One of the reasons I love the image of ships at a distance having dreams on board is because it evokes moment. Our dreams are traveling things, whether towards us or away from us. Sometimes they change on us when our back is turned or aren’t quite what we’d hoped they’d be when we do get to them. But the best part of dreams is what they show us about ourselves.

Standing around waiting for your ship to come in, with hope or dread, has never been my style. I’d let it become a habit to wait for things to come my way, but this year I finally realized that waiting is a lot more active than I’ve given it credit for being. A time of waiting is a time of preparing, of anticipating, or positioning yourself so that you are ready when the time comes to act, to accept. Waiting requires just as much work as having when it’s done right. I feel like I’ve actively waited this year instead of waiting for the tide to bring things in. That feels good. And right. And more like me than I’ve felt in a very long time.

So 29 has a tough act to follow. I’ve kicked butt and didn’t stop to take names this year. Like most objects in motion, I intend to stay in motion. I hope you all can keep up. 😉

Are You Really Ready?

Tags

introspection, love, marriage, marriage preparedness, relationships

I’ve been thinking during my time away from all things love about whether or not I’m really ready to take that next step. I watched a couple YouTube videos where people describe their deal-breakers, and the male perspective stuck out to me. It wasn’t just the particular things that he focused on that stuck out but how I would have measured up on his scale.

To be honest, this guy isn’t my type (great since he’s married), but the things that he said sound a lot like Mr. Perfect. Ignoring a perfect opportunity to branch out into how men are simple creatures (which is the truth wrapped in a lie sealed in an enigma in itself), I focused in on whether or not I could meet those things for Mr. Perfect. Then I thought about if I would want to.

One of the things that has come up a lot is the purpose of getting married. We’ve been hearing a lot of messages on the fact that marriage is not to make you happy. It’s not for you; it’s for the other person. It’s to illustrate the relationship between God and his church to the world. It’s for having and raising children to be God-fearing adults who model Christ for the world. All of which is wonderful and true, but none of which speaks to why anyone in their right mind would sign up for yet another thankless task like being a wife and mother. At this point, with this criteria, I could marry any guy that loved the Lord, wanted to get married and tickled my fancy. Marriage may not be about my continual happiness and may be intended to show Christ’s relationship to His church, but it should mean something to me that makes the trials and hardships that accompany it worth it. There should be something that sets my husband apart from everyone I could have chosen to live out this life with, that makes having to consider and care for him more than showing me how to submit to Christ’s will. I can be an example for the Lord single. I can be content single. I can help raise children in the Lord by teaching Sunday School, working with youth, speaking at youth conferences, and a multitude of things that have nothing to do with getting married and having babies. We can be good Christian men and women single. So when I think about if I’m ready to be married, I first think about why I should be married at all, or even if I should be married.

But I’m beyond that hurdle. I desire to be married. I want to have that one on one relationship with someone where I can love on them, care for them, pray for them, grow with them. I want the spiritual, emotional, physical and material benefits of such a relationship. But am I ready for it? Am I ready to be a submissive wife to my husband, to refrain from using manipulation to get my way? Am I ready to concern myself with another’s needs and wants, to buy into their dream and support them in it even when I don’t know how it’s going to work out? Am I ready to keep a house, both in a spiritual and physical sense? Am I ready to look the part, to be a beautiful crown? Am I ready to commit to someone else and their life decisions? Am I ready to be provided for to the best of his ability, to budget much more rigidly than I currently budget in order to ensure our family is financially fit? Am I ready to agree to go where he goes? Am I ready to be his biggest cheerleader? Am I ready to deal with family and friends and well-meaning associates who try to track their timelines, agenda and discord into our home and family? Am I ready to tow the party line and present the united front even if I disagree on the final decision? Is anyone ever really ready for all of that?

Maybe it’s best to get married when you are certain that the two of you can do life together and are confident this person is the right choice, not when you have all the answers to all of the questions. I used to be certain and optimistic, but having all of these years to consider, and all of this time to grow used to living to please God and myself without sharing my home and body have added dimensions to the discussion that weren’t present before. I believe that certainty and optimism, coupled with a strong faith and a certainty of being in God’s will for your life is so necessary for making a marriage work. I’m not saying go into marriage with rose-colored glasses, but I’m finding the longer it takes to make a decision, the harder it is to make. I think some of the areas I worry about my abilities in would be just fine if I were married. We’d figure it out together. It’d be a funny story to tell, one of those misadventures that start new chapters in your love story. As a still single person, they can turn into just another reason you’re still single, something you have to fix and perfect before you get married. I’m not sure if I’m even making sense, but these are the things I think about.

The biggest worry it’s hardest to fight at this point is the “what’s wrong with me?” worry. If you last five years on my job, you get an extra five days of vacation a year (which I will achieve this year in June!). If you are with Progressive’s auto that long, you get diamond status, where they’ll forgive minor accidents, lower your rate, and treat you like royalty. Longevity is positive in these arenas. But being in a relationship for six years and not moving for to marriage when you both agree that marriage is something you want is not a good thing. The thought continues with the observation that there’s obviously something that’s holding up progress. And what if that something is me, or something about me? What’s big enough to keep us from moving forward yet not big enough to break us up? That’s not to say that the problem has to be me or even my problem, but after all this time, it feels like it is. If we were both happy and content with where we were, then it wouldn’t be an issue that we aren’t moving forward. If I wanted someone to go to the movies or eat an occasional meal with for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t have a problem not moving forward to marriage.

But I’m honest enough with myself to concede that I want to have sex, to snuggle in bed on Saturday mornings, to make a house into a home, to cook and clean for my family, to go on vacations and plan a future together, to help my husband achieve his life goals, and maybe have a child or two somewhere along the way. An if this isn’t that, then there’s no need to continue down this road.

I bought Baggage Claim on blu-ray/DVD. In it, Djimon Hansou is a wealthy businessman who charms Paula Patton’s character. He’s funny and charming and well-traveled, and he wants her to travel the world with him. But he doesn’t want marriage. In the end she knows he’s not going to give her what she really wants and she lets him go instead of wasting their time. He respects her decision. I love that many of the men in the movie aren’t wrong, they’re just not right for her. There’s nothing wrong with going after the love you want and the person you want it with. I need to love the old geezer in the rocking chair beside me as much as I need to be all in with the seven pack wonder with big dreams and stars in his eyes.

I’m going to stop now. I am going to step away from the rom-coms and the keyboard. But I would be interested in hearing how you all have dealt with similar issues. What’s your two cents on marriage, how long you should date, your reasons for marriage, or story of a love you left behind because you knew it wouldn’t ever be what you needed it to be?

XOXO,

Erica

The 2013 That Wasn’t, The 2014 I Want

Tags

accomplishments, faith, goals, introspection, life, New Year, reflection, writing

In many ways, 2013 wasn’t at all the year that I envisioned it to be. I’m not one of those people who claims that any year is going to be “my year,” but I felt that 2013 was going to be a banner year for me. The way that 2012 ended promised 2013 would be my best year yet.

In 2012, I: paid off my car, traveled to St. Augustine and New Orleans, received a large bonus, enrolled in my first class towards a paralegal certification, outlined the major chapters and researched the scriptures for the marriage kit book, and heard Mr. Perfect declare that he couldn’t see his life without me and wanted to marry me.

2013 should’ve been the year I got married, traveled more, advanced in my career, attended my 10 year reunion successful and happy, started my website, self-published my book, and saved a ton of money on my car insurance. I would change the world by changing myself, and a bunch of other corny slogans.

Then 2013 happened:

My car…was totaled in January.

I  dropped out of the class to deal with the car issue and never went back.

I traveled to Alabama…for the funeral of Mr. Perfect’s beloved grandmother, a woman I liked and admired.

I went back to my high school reunion…fat and unsuccessful (I did have a great time and got some much needed motivation from it, though).

I finished major revisions on the marriage kit book, picked a name for it…but still haven’t finished it.

I managed to get off my undesirable shift, took on a ton of new responsibilities and got a title change, but my pay won’t change until January…and I *may* be back on  less desirable shift because the alternative apparently fell through.

I went to three weddings…but didn’t so much as get engaged myself.

I lost a great aunt I was close to.

You’d think 2013 was an awful year for me, but you’d be wrong. In 2013, I bought a laptop and a domain, started my own self-hosted website, aseriousseason.com, commissioned a customized header for the site, and gave my first seminar presentation, Getting Serious About Who You Are in Christ: Go Godly Early. I gave my second seminar presentation, Get Your Life, entered a writing contest, So You Think You Can Write, connected with several writers in a supportive online community, got into a regular writing routine, attempted and finished NaNoWriMo,  began revising my first romantic suspense story, started swapping chapters with my critique partners each Sunday, got someone to look over the marriage kit book, won a ton of books through an online open house hosted by Harlequin, learned about craft from writing blogs I follow, was given an excellent bonus, a really nice raise, and appreciation for my new role during my review, and bought a newer car in much better condition.

2013 wasn’t what I expected it to be, but it turned out to be a year that far surpassed the muted expectations I had for it after my accident in January.

Early yesterday afternoon, a scripture popped into my head that was the topic of a New Year’s sermon 2-3 years ago, Luke 4:19 in context, Luke 4:14-21. Jesus reads in scripture about preaching the gospel, giving sight to the blind, and setting people free, and tells them that they are witnessing the fulfillment of the prophecy. The acceptable year of the Lord had come. Since I believe that God speaks to us through scripture, and that the Holy Spirit had to have a reason for bringing this particular passage to my remembrance, I began to meditate on it throughout the day. What was God trying to tell me?

As a Christian, it is my duty to spread the gospel of Christ to all man, but that is every year. What do I have to do or say that would help people to see or be free? What is it time for me to do?

I planned on getting the marriage kit book published when I received my bonus in December. More well-known figures proclaiming to be led to speak to women in the area of relationships are coming out with their books soon and the window for my little book to take advantage of that anticipation was fast closing. I had the money for the cover and could get it out before the end of the year, but something didn’t feel right about it. So I asked Mr. Perfect. He thought I should wait. I won’t have the money to publish again until March, which he reminded me wasn’t that far away. The next day, God revealed to me through scripture that an area I was going to glance over in my rush to release the book had some vital material in it that women needed to read. So I was content to keep studying and wait on the book.

But the peace that came over me when I connected my book with the verses about the acceptable year of the Lord led me to the conclusion that 2014 is the year to release the marriage kit book. Not only that, but I believe this year is the acceptable year for a few other things that I’ve been waiting on to finally happen as well, including getting a book contract. I could be just as wrong as I was with how 2013 was going to go, but in the same vein, I’m going to step out on faith and trust that just like last year, God will use whatever happens to grow me and it will be for His glory.

XOXO

Erica

 

Your Last Three Things

Tags

action, importance, introspection, lists, needs, value, wants

When I went to my aunt’s seminar a couple weeks ago, we were asked to complete an exercise. We were to write five choices for each of the following: people you love, things you like to, body parts, things you value, and values you admire. Then we were told a story. During the course of this story, we were asked to cross things off our list. It was easy to see that the longer this went on, the more anxious people got.  It became harder and harder. I can’t speak for other people, but I started to freak out thinking about what I could afford to get rid of next.

Pretty soon, we only had three things left on our list. These are the things that we thought the most vital. I’d given up my mouth (can eat through a feeding tube and write what I want to say) and writing had recently been cut. Staring down at the final three, it was hard not to feel sadness at what was lost, yet relieve to still see your absolute essentials.

“Cross off your final three,” the speaker said in a quiet voice. I felt an almost crushing sadness at this. It was painful crossing them out. Even though this was just an exercise, it was difficult to do.

I’m introspective person. I always have been. I am all about evaluating yourself & your motivations, questioning whether something is a need or a want. This is necessary to keep everything from becoming a need, from getting selfish and thinking it is all about us and anything less than perfection is beneath us, but this…this is where the rubber meets the road.

How high is your relationship with your significant other on the list? God? Your children? Your friends?

But let’s talk about some a little less panic inducing. Let’s focus on those other lists we keep. If you’re single, you have a list of things you want in a mate (conscious and concrete, aka written down, or not). If you are married, I’m sure you can think of things you’d like to improve in your relationship. You may even have a list of ways to improve your spouse. We have list of ways we can make our lives better, or things we want to do before we die.

My suggestion to you is this: write those things down, and get rid of all but the three most important. Then work on bringing them about. If having a mate that has a sense of humor makes the cut, nurture your funny bone by taking in a comedy show or improv night; you may meet a guy with a good sense of humor, and even if you don’t, someone made you laugh. If you want to have better communication with your mate, read the previous entry with the counselor on communication and practice implementing. Some of the techniques described. Make concrete plans to cross something off your bucket list.

The main takeaway from this exercise (which was, by the way, a session on grief) was to realize the value of the things we say are important to us before we lose them.

Share some of your list items in the comments section or email me: 2blu2btru4u@gmail.com.

XOXO

2blu2btru

Taking Stock & Taking Shape

Tags

Education and Enrichment, introspection, love, marriage, Relationship

The story that I related in Yours, Mine, & Ours, as well as some other things going on in my life (and in my head) have gotten me to change focus a bit as far as the marriage kits book I’m working on. If you’ve noticed a dearth in posted interviews or topical posts on marriage, this is why. I’ve been trying to decide what I wanted to do with the book part of it, and what I wanted to share here. But back to the change in focus.

All of this time that I’ve been asking all of these people all of these questions, there has been one question (and quite possibly only one) I could answer myself: What did you learn about marriage growing up. As per usual, my answer is not a short and sweet one, but rather a lengthy one, citing several different episodes that have influenced my thinking on the subject. Once I started trying to parcel out all of the examples of marriage and the experiences that have led me to look for certain things in a marriage relationship, I realize how important those experiences are to what this book is about.

The only thing is, many of these stories involve other people, some who other people won’t be able to identify, and others whom they can. So of course I have to figure out how not to get sued if this idea ever actually becomes a book.

It’s hard not to be…delicate with myself. I have to tell all the truth but tell it slant, as Emily Dickinson wrote. I’m only telling the truth as it pertains to my perception of what marriage is supposed to be or ought to be, not what it is. I’m also going to have to tell some things about myself and my own thought process that I’d rather not.

I remember when I first started to have a little inkling of an idea to write about marriage in a non-fiction way–this was even before Mr. Perfect–I was at Red Lobster with my minister & his wife, the couple from It’s Only Love That Gets You Through (whose interview is coming, I promise!),  Elder #1 & his wife (maybe–or elder #2; this was over 4 years ago), and some other people. All married couples–and me. Of course the topic of marriage came up, as well as submission. I’ve never been shy to answer anything and justify it, so I gave my answer when asked (I only vaguely remember the question). I remember my minister laughed at me. “That’s how you think it’s going to be in marriage?” he said between giggles. Mrs. Loving smiled at me knowingly. It was very funny to everyone. I don’t think they were amused by my ideas; just that I thought it was as simple as that.

So, I’m doing a little interior discovery at the moment. How much of that will end up here, I don’t know. But I am interested in hearing from you guys. What did you learn about marriage growing up, either directly (through speech or seeing) or something you inferred from what you saw/experienced?

XOXO

2blu2btru

P.S. In case you’re wondering–the Camp NaNoWriMo story is going really well; the word count…well, let’s not talk about the word count. 🙂

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Wednesday Wisdom: Defensive Stance

Tags

ambushed, attacked, blunt, consider, consideration, defensive, deflecting, dismissive, honesty, hurt, introspection, Relationship, Tamar Braxton, The Braxtons, Toni Braxton, Wednesday Wisdom

You know how some people just have a knack for offending people? Most of the time they don’t mean to offend anyone, but they always seem to have their foot in their mouth. When people walk off in a huff or confront them about it, they stand there, mouth agape, going “What did I say/do now?” Whether it’s talking about how bad your children are, how contradictory your behavior is, telling you your hair is a mess or that you’ve put on weight, they always seem to say the wrong thing. They appear to think honesty is the best policy, and the more blunt the observance is, the better. Unless you say “Be honest with me” or “tell me what you really think about…,” you really don’t want all of that honesty. But who really has the problem?

Yes, some people are hopelessly rude and some of those rude people relish their rudeness. However, many of us are too busy being defensive to realize maybe we need to hear some of the things they are saying, no matter how callously the wisdom is being imparted.

My minister was preaching about some harsh realities on Sunday. He was saying that if Jesus was alive in our day and time, he wouldn’t be popular with Christians today. There are things he asks us to do that we simply don’t want to adhere to, and not all of them are the sins we immediately point to, such as not fornicating or committing murder. Jesus is concerned with the heart as much as, or even more so, than the actions/acts that people perform to show their Christianity. I’m paraphrasing (it is Wednesday, y’all), but my minister said something along the lines of “stop being so easily offended and defensive. Don’t get defensive about everything. Think about it and take it in.”  

This was brought home to me watching “The Braxton Family Values” last night. The Braxtons are dealing with some major issues, specifically Trina. Everyone is worried about Trina. Trina has been drinking heavily and seems to be having trouble with her marriage. She got a DUI at the beginning of the episode. She’s put on twenty pounds. She doesn’t want her family in her business. Of course, all of this leads her family to speak to the family therapist.

When Trina is confronted by them, she deflects everything they say. “Mothers worry. She’s my mom and I’m a mother. That’s what we do: worry,” she dismisses her mother’s concerns. As the particularlyvocal.com (show inside joke) Tamar “goes in” on all of the recent causes for alarm with Trina, including Trina’s husband, Trina shuts down and deflects even more. “I can handle my problems,” she says. “Stay out of my business.” “I feel attacked and ambushed.”

As heartily as I disagree with the mountain lion-esque pounce of Tamar’s attack, she was telling her sister some home truths. Getting a DUI is not being in control. Drinking heavily is not solving your problems; it’s running away from them. Many of us are too busy shooting the messenger to receive the message.

I’m a sensitive person. It’s easy to hurt my feelings. But I’m also an introspective person. I turn over every criticism in my mind and evaluate the validity of it. One of the reasons I haven’t put aside The Denzel Principle is because I can chew it over mentally and really search out if there’s any validity in the statements. If there is, what can we do about it? If there isn’t, what causes the author to reach this conclusion? 

The summer after I graduated high school, my dad came to take me to a Day on Campus. I had called him and asked him to come and take me because I thought it would give us a chance to bond. I had to pick a date, sign up, and spend the day on campus, registering for classes, getting my school ID, and etc. I kept calling my dad to set up a date, but he was never sure of his schedule.

 One day, he just called and said he was at my house (I was across the street at an aunt’s house). He was all set and ready to go. The problem was we weren’t signed up for a date, and I couldn’t just show up. My dad and I had a big disagreement over it. I had Pink Susie call him, as my mother and I weren’t able to say anything to him about it without being deflected. He had lived with her from the time he was a teenager to adulthood, so I figured she could get through to him.

My dad was livid. “Listening to your mother and your aunt, you’re going to wind up stuck in [my hometown] pregnant!” I can’t remember all of the things he said, but that one stuck out. I was hurt, and angry, and ready to immediately reject the statement out of hand. Instead, like these things tend to do, it seeped into my mind. I had to look it head on and ask myself, was he right?

Of course, the answer was no. Even if I were to be stuck in my hometown, I had given myself to Christ five years beforehand. It was always a priority for me to save myself until marriage, “stuck” in a dying town or not. If I had to stay where I was, there was a great school not far from home. I could get to the Day on Campus with him, or I’d get there without him.

I went to Day on Campus with my Aunt Jacquie (who was so instrumental in my life, and someone I miss very much) and everything worked out fine. My dad and I have a better relationship now. I’m twenty-six with no children and no prospects (LOL). I have my degree, a job, and live in a completely different state. My dad’s words didn’t apply to me, but I’m glad I didn’t dismiss them out of hand. They would have always been back there haunting me if I hadn’t confronted that assertion head on.

The fact is, some of you have unruly children. You are making poor decisions. You think you are living how God wants you to and you’re not. True, not everything someone has to say about you is true, and not all criticisms or advice they think pertains to you truly does, but that doesn’t mean you should dismiss it without examination. This is especially true if you keep hearing the same things from different people.

I have a friend, Dawn*, who asked me once if I thought she was…let’s just say, a mean female person. She had lost some friends and had been told she was offensive, etc. She was just being honest, in her opinion, and was wondering if there was something wrong with her. After all, it can’t be all of them. I told her honesty is good; I wouldn’t encourage anyone to lie. However, maybe a different approach was needed.

Ultimately, after some self introspection, she decided she was who she was, and that whole “tell the truth in love” thing didn’t always work for her. To me, that’s fine. She looked at what people had to say, examined herself, tried something new, and ultimately decided that she was more comfortable with the way she was originally.

Bottom line: Don’t just take a defensive stance when someone has a criticism or observance of you that’s unfavorable. Don’t spend so much time feeling attacked and defensive, deflecting and dismissing the possibility that there’s any truth to what’s being said. Allow yourself to take it in. Work with what applies to you and dismiss what doesn’t. Don’t let your pride or your hurt feelings keep you from growing into a better person and correcting things in your life. Don’t let feeling ambushed keep you from getting the help you need.

At least, that’s my two cents. Leave yours in the comment section.    

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Freestyle Friday: The On Time Edition

Tags

blog, Freestyle Friday, introspection, jogging, Kidulthood, link love, love, relationships, running

Thomas Longboat (Cogwagee), an Onondaga distance runner Image via Wikipedia

Good morning, Friends & Neighbors! It’s been a long time since I actually wrote and posted a Freestyle Friday on the Friday in question. Life has gotten the better of me the last few weeks, but I’m taking the advice of a valued mentor and not letting things stress me out or overwork me. Part of that includes making some time for me and my blog!

After the Education Workshop this weekend, life will return to normal for me–just the usual chaos. In the meantime, I wanted to make sure you had plenty of reading to tide you over. Take a moment to see where I’ve filled in the holes so far on my post a day challenge, and check back frequently for more quality posts you may have missed (because they weren’t there before…ahem).  I can’t wait to get started on some exciting projects I have coming up in the future. I will share more later, but for right now, just know that once this workshop has been successfully completed, I’ll be focused on doing big things here!

I bring to you Link Love for the week of March 18 (my mommy’s birthday :D)-March 24 (Thursday):

I’ve been really focused on running this week, since I’ve recently gotten back into attempting to run. As many of you know, I had a bad run on Monday. Marasimon on A Runner’s Life had a bad run as well, but she chose to look at it from a different perspective. While I’ve hesitated to call myself a runner, Laura of At Bleak December, asserts she is a runner (but she sometimes takes walk breaks). Steve Burns shared his memories of the L.A. marathon from the same year Rodney King was beaten in L.A., the same marathon Skinny Runner recaps on her blog. The thought of a marathon is too big and unwieldy to fit into my little head, so let’s move on to some dating and relationship posts…

You know that girl at the bar that appears to be brimming with confidence? What’s her deal? Jamie explores that girl on her blog As Jamie Writes it. There’s another girl at the bar: the one who knows more about sports and intimidates men. Her name is Deidree and she blogs at Help! I’m Post-Grad. There’s one question that both of these types of women at the bar have come to dread: “Can I Get Yo’ Numba?” IAmAwkward relates a funny story about this most dreaded question. Catherine, who writes Simply Solo, seems to take this whole “relationship” thing much more seriously; she is approaching it as a job interviewing process; she even has her dating resumé handy, just in case.  Amarieadhis poses the question “Should Women Propose to Men?” on her blog That Bad *&^%$. Finally, I’m sure many of you who get tired of hearing relationship advice sometimes want to say, “Take Your Own Advice“; SunnyDelyte21 says it on her blog Spoken Words & Thoughts. All of this relationship stuff is a little heavy on the romantic love, though. What about real friendship, self-reflection, inspiration, posts to live by?

Sunshine finally got to meet fellow blogger Renée in London, and discovered they got on “Like Old Friends.”  Decibelbelownormal explores the desire to go “From Adulthood to Kidulthood” from her friend’s perspective as well as her own on Decibelbelownormal. Culturesoup gets similarly introspective in the post “My 20s so far.” Life often doesn’t turn out the way we dream it would, so “Why Dream?” EvolvingElle contemplates this on Southern Girl in the City. Katias Double Life provided a double dose of spiritual encouragement with “Living Water” and “Reminder”

If you haven’t checked out What is Black? Part 1 & Part 2 on EvolvingElle’s blog, you are missing out!

That’s all the link love I have for you on this Friday. What do you think of these posts? Feel free to comment, leave me some love, and refer a friend to this site and the sites highlighted. Have a great Friday!

XOXO

2blu2btru

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