Never Just for a Ring: Bad Reasons to get Married

Tags

love, marriage, marriage kit, relationships, Weddings

Whenever I talk about being married, it’s easy for some to get carried away thinking about the process or the possible benefits and not the actual marriage. Many people today are wedding-minded and not marriage minded. I’m sure at some point all women who intend to get married have suffered from this.

I remember reading “One Perfect Day” nearly a year ago and saying “I’m never going to be spend that much money on that” or “why would anyone pay for that?” Now, when I try to envision a wedding, I realize I have some pricey words in my vocabulary. We all know some pricey wedding words: elegant, modern, personalized; it was featured in The Knot or Bride Magazine; Martha Stewart or David Tutera made it; Monique L’huillier, Maggie Sottero, Amsale, Pnina Torné (sp?). Weddings can be the most financially expensive mistake you make in life.

That’s not to say that people running to the courthouse to be married have a better idea of what matters. No matter how you go about tying the knot, there are several reasons that are not good reasons to base such an important decision on. I want to cover this in detail in my book, “It Takes One to Know One,” so I’m only going to give a few of those reasons here. We hear these things over and over, but it never hurts to be reminded.

• Because she is—There’s nothing like comparison to make a woman get all in her feelings. She can be at a place in life where she doesn’t even want to get married, but then she’ll see that the girl who slept with everyone is getting married and looking respectable, and something inside her will start to whisper “why hasn’t anyone asked me to marry them? I mean, somebody is marrying her. She can’t be getting married before me!” We can think because we  feel someone “deserves” to be married less, because they aren’t as awesome as we are, that we should beat them to the altar. We don’t know if they are in good relationships or what they did to get that ring, but they must have did something because, well, it’s her. I’ve had to check this impulse a few times, the need to compare myself and my relationship to someone else’s. I’ve done the “they’ve only been together x amount of time and I’ve been with Mr. Perfect nearly FIVE YEARS!” But I’ve checked it. If getting married were a competition, I would have been left in the dust and declared the loser a LONNNG time ago. God’s timing is perfect. In the fullness of time. Blah blah.
• For the benefits–please don’t ever take a job solely for the benefits. You will be a miserable person. I love the benefits I receive at my job, but just recently, they have changed a bit. There are now restrictions that weren’t there before, some things may cost a little more, etc. If I was only working there to receive those benefits, recent changes may make me start looking elsewhere. The same thing can happen in our relationships. If we are in it to split bills or have sex, what happens if someone loses their job or is no longer able/willing to engage in sexual activity? Having someone to help with chores sounds great, but what if that person becomes injured and needs to be taken care of? There are so many ways your asset can become a liability. It’s important to examine whether or not you will still be as committed if you don’t get everything you think you will.
• For the wedding–Some people can’t wait to have the party of the year, see all of their old friends, receive a bunch of gifts and money, and be the center of attention.  Some are willing to spend a large sum of money they really don’t have to impress others with how much style they have and what a great party they can throw. They begin planning well in advance. Some are buying dresses and other things without a fiancé. A man is only another prop in the day; he is a plug and play and can be anyone. These same people pay little attention to the marriage. After this one day is over, they don’t have the skills to sustain a marriage, nor the money to maintain a household. It’s hard to go back to just being you without all of that attention you’ve been getting, and the diva complex you’ve acquired cannot be satisfied by the love and devotion of your husband.
• Just to be married—it’s important to make sure you are marrying the man and not just the institution. I have known for a long time I wanted to be married, much longer than I’ve been with the boyfriend. The real question is do I want to be married to him? Marriage is great when you marry the right person and both are committed to making it work. It doesn’t help to be sure about marriage and not about your potential spouse. Marriage is more than a title or a state of being; it will be a major part of your life. In the vows, they ask do you take the person in holy matrimony, not the idea of marriage. Do you want this person? If not, then it’s not the time for you to marry.

There are, of course, many other reasons that aren’t valid for taking that walk down the aisle, many of which I will be discussing in my book. But right now it’s your turn: what are some bad reasons to marry? What are the good ones? Did you marry for the right reasons?

As always, you can leave your two cents in the comments section, or email me personally at 2blu2btru4u@gmail.com. You can also tweet me @2blu2btru or message me on the Indigo Moods Blog Facebook page.

XOXO

2blu2btru

Marriage Kit Interview: Mrs. Jung-Freud

Tags

attraction, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, expectations, gender gap, interview, love, marriage, marriage kit, mental health, Psychology, settling

I’ve been transcribing the interview I did a few months back with the lovely LMHC at my church, who we’ll call Sister Jung-Freud (the two major psychology figures I can remember off the top of my head). I was fortunate enough to spend over two hours talking marriage with JF from both a practical and professional standpoint. As someone with an extensive background in counseling, she was able to speak to me about several different topics about the psychology of relationships and marriage, ranging from how to know you’re ready to marry, to communication, to family history, to “baggage,” and so on and so forth. She was also kind enough to do a marriage kit interview about her own marriage. This was a LONG interview jam packed with too much information to give you all at once (some parts, such as the communication part, need their own post), so I will be posting the interview for the next few days. One thing to note: JF served us lunch and was in and out of the refrigerator, washing dishes, and putting away pots and pans, so a line or two had to be fudged. These are indicated by {these} My insertions are indicated by [these]. Here is part I:

2blu:What is your area of specialty? JF: I’m a licensed mental health therapist, individuals with mental health concerns is my specialty. But that includes sometimes their families, so couples, families, parents—it depends on who the client is. So life issues having to do with sound mental health.

2blu: How did you become involved in the mental health field? JF:When I was a teenager, my sister had a psychology book and I was fascinated by it and wanted to be a counselor. I didn’t necessarily know how I was going to do that, but it always fascinated me because the one thing that was in my head was “why do we act like we do?”

2blu: Can you give us your credentials? JF: I’m an LMHC—licensed mental health counselor. I’m a certified employee assistance professional and doctorial student of Pastoral Community Counseling. I was also a certified forensic counselor, but my certification lapsed, so I can’t claim that. [Wow, you could have been on Casey Anthony’s case]

Mr. Perfect’s Question: Do you apply your profession to your personal relationships or psychoanalyze, like, your husband and family and friends? Yes. I try not to but yes I do. [MP: Do you consciously do that?] Sometimes, and then sometimes not. Carl* (her son) says to my constantly, “Can you take your counseling hat off, Mom? Can I talk to my mom here for a minute?” Sometimes I’m not even conscious of it, it’s kind of second nature, but—and then sometimes I do.

2blu: What different things do men and women expect from relationships and is there a gender or sex gap in expectations? JF: That’s a good question to ask my husband [LOL] I think that women truly do expect men to… understand them just because they’re in their lives. They have that expectation. That’s because they think that they understand men that men are supposed to understand them. I think that men expect women to SAY what they want, OK, rather than to expect them to guess what they want. And I think men expect women to be more concrete, if you please, in that if it doesn’t make sense to them it doesn’t make sense. So from their perspective, their concreteness is if this is red then it’s red. You know it’s not tomato red or whatever; it’s just red. Like that. And yes, I do think there is a gender gap in expectations; I truly do.

2blu: What are the benefits or disadvantages of boyfriend and girlfriend relationships, and do you believe it is necessary or that people should have several different boyfriend/girlfriend relationships before marriage? JF:Yeah, that is a big one, isn’t it? [LOL] The pros I think would come from just recognizing more about human nature. I think that’s a biggie. A number of people are sheltered in a lot of ways, and I think having had an opportunity to date a couple of people, a few people, can help with understanding differences. The downside has more to do with whether the person is sexually active. If they are, I think the consequences of multiple relationships can be overwhelming, and I think it creates some of the mayhem and discord in relationships. And not just because there’s a comparison sexually necessarily, but I think that, again, it comes from that expectation that we were talking about earlier on.

2blu: So do you think that a person should or shouldn’t have several different boyfriend/girlfriend relationships before marriage? JF: Oh, I didn’t answer that? [No. I think that you were hoping I didn’t notice you didn’t.] JF: What was the question again? [I repeat the question…again] JF: Yes I do.

2blu: How important is attraction? JF:Very. And as I said earlier, not just physical attraction. If you’re just talking about physical attraction, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so I think that from that perspective it’s pretty important. But not just that, I think there are other attractions. [Like…] A sense of responsibility, character, whatever that character is, religion, values, those type of things.

2blu: What are your thoughts on the debate for and against settling in relationships? JF: What debate? [settling] JF: Oh, settling! [Where do you fall on the spectrum?] JF: I think that we do ourselves an injustice by settling, and I {wouldn’t advocate settling} because we are inclined to hold the other person responsible for a decision that we were just as involved in, and I think that that is very wrong.

2blu: You talked about this a little bit, but what do you think about women and their lists of what they want in a mate? JF: I really think that there should be, because I think that we should have standards. Everybody.  Males and females. I think that it’s to our disadvantage when we don’t have, whether it’s written or mental, it’s truly to our disadvantage, because there are expectations that we have, and that’s what the list is all about. Whether we say we don’t have expectations or not, that’s not true.

To Be Continued…

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It’s Only Love That Gets You Through: Mr. & Mrs. Loving–The Introduction

Tags

Christian, God, interview, love, marriage, marriage kit, marriage preparedness, Relationship

This particular interview has been a long time coming. I conducted the interview in September of last year. There were so many juicy tidbits in here, so many pages and pages of responses, I wasn’t sure how to break down what I felt about the whole thing until days after. The following is the introduction I finally managed to craft to introduce this marriage kit, followed by a few of my thoughts on it. I will post some of the interview tonight, along with the rest of the Lincolns, and whatever else I set my hands to before I fall asleep at the monitor. 🙂

****

On Saturday, September 18, 2010, I had the pleasure of sitting dow with one of my deacons and his wife. The deacon’s wife was one of the first people I approached to participate in the marriage kits, and she readily agreed and made herself available. This couple is a couple of firsts: they are the first couple I am interviewing together for their take on marriage, as well as the first who lived together prior to marriage. The deacon and his wife didn’t hold anything back; rather, they told the truth in love. They shared how they got through/over many trials–the aftermath of rape, the rage and pain of previous experiences. The woman they told me about is not the woman I’ve come to know and love; the relationship they started out with isn’t the relationship that led me to wonder what their secret was to such a happy union. Yet that was her & that was their relationship. Their relationship is a wonderful testatment to love’s transforming power when God is put first. I know you will enjoy them immensely.

***

As I’ve continued to conduct these marriage kit interviews, and the possibility of making a book from them has solidified and the direction of that book has begun to take shape, I look back at this early interview and realize how unique it was. Everyone that I’ve interviewed hasn’t been this honest and forthcoming (although many have been).

I have been in quite a few homes and offices since I began this process almost a year ago. I’ve listened to many tales of marriage and many pieces of advice, but I find myself looking back at this interview as the one where the personal benefit of doing this finally solidified for me. Before this, it was all about providing my readers (there were maybe two of you at the time) with authentic examples of real black love, of real married couples who were making it work. It was a purely academic exercise. I was curious of the answers, but I thought I knew many of them already (silly me). Something about this interview made me feel like all of this somehow applied to my unmarried, unengaged life, which is something all good advice and knowledge from experience should do–relate to you and offer you perspective no matter where you are in life. It really humbled me.

Even though I’ve changed some of my questions from the original list, they still managed to answer many of the new ones without being explicitly asked. I wish I’d had my recorder for this one. sigh.

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Have a Question for the Counselor?

Tags

interview, marriage, marriage kit, psychologist, Relationship counseling

Hello, everyone! I’m back and semi-rested from my roadtripping exploits. It was good to be home, but of course I had to get some work in, both for the blog and for my writing. I conducted another marriage kit interview (I’m so behind on posting those), and grabbed several notebooks from home, some with writing as early as 1994 (I was 9!). It promises to be a very interesting few weeks, working my way through those.

For the first time in a long time, I don’t have anything due for anyone else. I have a couple of weeks to focus on my own projects. As such, not only will I have some fantastic guest posting opportunities, but I’ll finally post all of the marriage kit interviews I’ve conducted so far. The biggest thing, though, is my interview with the psychologist this weekend!

The interview will be a 2 for 1 special. I will be conducting the usual marriage kit interview, of course, but I’ll also be discussing with her topics more closely relaed to the psychology of marriage/relationships. This is where you come in. If anyone has any questions for the psychologist, please comment, email me at 2blu2btru4u@gmail.com, send me a tweet or DM on twitter (@2blu2btru), or leave a message on the blog’s Facebook page, Indigo Moods. I will be conducting the interview(s) on Saturday around 1pm Eastern Standard Time, so be sure to send all questions by 12:30 EST Saturday.

Also, I’m going to be working on getting a couple relationship coaches/matchmaker people I follow on Twitter to grant me interviews for the blog, so look for requests for questions for them as soon as I land the interviews. This blog is moving into a whole new phase of exposure, exploration, and even greater content. I hope you’ll all be along for the ride, and tell a friend!

There are so many exciting projects I’ve been working on that I can’t wait to share with you all!

XOXO

2blu2btru

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Thoughtful Thursday

Tags

familiar, interview, marriage, marriage kit, past, relationships, the future

I had another marriage kit interview last night. It strikes me, as I travel to and fro on the West side of the city, that I’m pretty much going to the same neighborhoods over and over again. This person is a stone’s throw from that person. The furniture in the homes is similar. The set up is pretty much the same. It makes me feel like a foreigner, like one of those documentary people that go around filming cultural phenomenon that have nothing to do with them.

It’s a bit like journeying into a weird dimension, where the past and future coexist at the same time and the present is nowhere to be found. All the old wood dining tables, rubbed clean, with the heavy wood chairs and the antique china cabinets are familiar emblems of my childhood. I was the kid mopping the kitchen floor and being scurried out of the room with a simple “Go play; grown folks in here talkin’.” I haven’t been in a house yet; everywhere I’ve been has been home.

Yet, being a married person is in my future. I’m not married, yet here I am talking with all of these married couples about their married lives and what it takes to make a marriage work. I’m getting inside information on something that can only really be glimpsed, something I can see the shape and outline of on the hazily horizon of the future.

****

Don’t ask me where this is from (but if it actually is from something, please share), it could have been a dream or something I saw on television in passing, but this image has been stuck in my head of these teenaged girls involved in some program taking a pledge. Part of the pledge was that they wouldn’t treat boyfriends as husbands. It reminded me that I meant to write a post about that. It’s come up on more than one occasion that women (especially Black women) have been treating their men/boyfriends as if they were husbands and being disappointed that they don’t act like husbands/don’t marry them. It’s like the whole cow/milk thing, but deeper. This is going to be a fun post for me (and probably make someone mad at me).

****

I’ve been thinking a lot about my aunt Jacquie this month. It’s been a little over a year since she passed, yet it’s amazing how many times I’ve mentally included her into things or thought about calling her. I still sometimes assume that I’ll see my stepdad when I go back to Michigan. I wonder if that ever goes away. It’s like they are continuously dying, each time you have to bring yourself up short and tell yourself that they aren’t here any more. How long does it take before it sinks in?

I wrote a remembrance post for my aunt that you can find here if you want to check it out.

****

I can’t wait to go to Michigan. I’m hoping to be back into running by the time I go back. My hometown is full of rolling hills and was the most fun place ever to run/walk (or at least that’s what I remember ;-)) Let’s all hope I don’t go out there running and get arrested–or shot!

Seriously, I can’t wait to see all of my family and my bestie, MzTrill. I can’t wait to visit the godbabies and get irritated by all my family. I know I’ll be more than ready to get away from some of them by the time the week is over, but I’m excited to see them all right now. 🙂

****

What’s on your mind this Thursday?

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Teenage Love Affair: The Lincolns Part II

Tags

advice, compromise, love, marriage, marriage kit, parenting, relationships, sex, shacking up

If you missed part I, you can find it here.

What are some of the challenges of being married? Sis Lincoln: You can’t always have it your way. It’s definitely a give and take situation; you can’t always have it your way. Bro. Lincoln: You gone disagree. Definitely, that’s gone definitely in a relationship, I don’t care if you’re married or not. You’re not going to get alone every time. And the only way we are going to solve it is to sit down and talk about it. Same thing about your children. You may disagree on what to put em on today. I might say put them on this she might say put em on that. Or I might be babysitting and she might come home and say “why my baby have on this and blah blah blah; that’s what I wanted to put on her. You wasn’t here; I was here. We gon’ work together on taking care of these kids. Sis. Lincoln: When you come from different upbringings, you’re bringing in …when you get married, I’m bringing in my upbringing, he’s bringing in his upbringing, and for years now we’ve argued about when the children should open they Christmas gifts. Crazy stuff like that. Because they open theirs on Christmas Eve, but to me you open Christmas [gifts] Christmas day. So it’s compromise. I mean, we had some hard down fights Bro. Lincoln: over Christmas gifts. And it’s not just over Christmas gifts. It’s birthday
parties—when to have them, how to have them, where to have them, cars as they
get older, how to chastise them, how not to chastise them. She might want it
one way and I might want it one way, but it’s still OUR child. I might chastise
them hard; she might want me to chastise them softly. I might not want that.
But as long as the kid get to understand what we mean.

The two of you, when y’all (random aside: yes, I’m that country) make decisions, whether about the kids or whatever, how do you guys keep the united front in front of them, even when you kinda lost, or y’all agreed to go a way that you didn’t want to go? How do you keep the kids from knowing? Instead of being like “well, your dad said this, and I wanted to do this, but you gotta do what he said, I guess.” Bro. Lincoln:
Well, with my daughter, she used to play musical chairs with us. Sis Lincoln: Play us one against theother. Bro. Lincoln: yeah, and it worked for a while, until we started sitting down and communicating more, better. If she asks me, I’mma say, what yo mama say? If she asks her mama, her mama’s going to say, what I said. Sis Lincoln: for me, if we had to agree to disagree, and it was like ok, we just gon go
along with him to keep the peace, I’ll let him give the law. I’ll be quiet and let him say, “well, you can’t do this” you know, even though I don’t agree with it. So that’s how I deal with it. If we just can’t agree and he says well this is the way it’s going to be, well you tell them this is the way it’s going to be.

Well, what if you disagree and he “gives the law” and they sneak back up to you like “mama, that ain’t right?” Sis Lincoln: What did your daddy say? Do what your daddy said.

And you let it go? I mean, you don’t go back and try to…

Sis. Lincoln:  I have, I have. I mean right now we’re in my daughter’s car, and I wish he would have given it back to her, but he said no. So, dad said you can’t have it, so you can’t have it.

How did you get to the point where you were able to let him have the final say? Sis Lincoln: Girl, it’s not always that easy, that’s what I’m saying, that compromise thing, it’s not always that easy, 2blu! It’s just like, sometimes you got to pick your battles, you know what I’m saying? And you learn how to pick your battles. If it’s her car or me and him…she was wrong, so…you just learn to pick your
battles. And some things you just never agree on, even Christmas thing. It got to a point where it was like, “you buy your Christmas gift, I’ll buy my Christmas gift, she open your gifts with you on Christmas Eve, but my gifts she don’t touch til Christmas day.

So if you had to give advice…let’s say, I’m engaged, I’m getting married and this is your last time to give me advice, what would you say to me about being married? Sis Lincoln: Marriage is not something you should take lightly. It’s not always the glitz and the glam that you see on TV. Marriage is very trying…very, very trying; but marriage is also worth it. It’s worth the work that you’re going to have to put in there. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be well worth it in the end. Bro. Lincoln: Know your partner before you do that. Some people get married in a month; some people get married in two months. I would say get to know that person; give it a year before you say yes to this man or this woman. Get to know them personally, physically, sexually, and spiritually, because this is a commitment you are making for life. This ain’t something like a light switch you can turn on and turn off. You want to make sure you got your right soulmate when you say yes to that person. Get to know him. He might have a felony or he might be a rapist, you never know. He might be your brother! Or your sister. Well, yeah. Some people’s fathers had other families…Bro. Lincoln: Families don’t have reunions anymore these days and it’s hard to get to know your sibling/relatives. I’m going through that right now. You aren’t married to your sister? Bro. Lincoln: (Laughs) No! (Mr. Lincoln has recently come across some
siblings of his that he didn’t know he had)

I had one more question: How is shacking up not like marriage? What’s the difference? Because if I’m shacking up, we’re living together, paying bills together, having sex together, might have kids together, how is that different? Why do I need to get married if I’m in that situation? Sis. Lincoln: For financial security. For future financial security…and it’s the right thing to do. There’s still that shame even with shacking. Cause we did it, you know, we did it backwards. And there’s still that shame, you know? I’m good enough to sleep with this man. I’m good enough to cook for this man. I’m good enough to split the bills with this man. But I’m not good enough to have this man’s last name? [pause] The embarrassment for one thing. If you’re going to do all of that, why not? And I know people that were in that situation, grown people, with 50 year old kids,
and the man died and she can’t get his social security. You shacked with this man,
but you were never given his last name, so you spent 40 years with somebody and
he die, and you can’t get jack. Or another situation: you lived with him for twenty years and he had been married with grown kids. [After he dies] They come and say “you got to go; this my daddy’s.” So, for financial security. Bro. Lincoln: I would say everybody do it differently, because we all do things different. If you a God-given person, you go to church, you’re going to do it the right way. If you’re not a God-given person, don’t go to church, then you gon’ shack. Because y’all love one
another, y’all dating one another. Let’s live together; let’s have kids together. But you’re not married though. When we were dating, we weren’t going to church. When knew we were going to have a kid, because we were having sex. At the time when we had our first child, she wanted to move out on her own and raise our son, which was fine. I moved right along with her, helped pay the bills. At first, it was hard keeping a job, but I had one. She started going to church; I didn’t. And things started to change, for better. I saw it and said, “I may as well do the same thing.” So it’s what each individual, or each relationship put into that relationship. Do they want to get married first before they shack, or do they want to continue staying at their parents’ house?  A lot of times, that why they do it, because they want to get out of their parents house.

I hope you guys enjoyed this one as much as I did! The Lincolns were a very open, honest couple. Look for more interviews coming soon!

Freestyle Friday: The Clean Up Edition

Tags

blog, blogging, change, Freestyle Friday, marriage, marriage kit, twitter, working out

The twitter feed is gone, but you can still follow me on twitter! Image via Wikipedia

Thank God it’s Friday! This week has been a long one for me, with many highlights and lowlights to be examined. First of all, I wanted to let you all know that I have been considering improvements on this blog–content-wise, and design-wise. You may have noticed that I took the twitter feed off of the side bar (you can still follow my blogs on twitter here). The blogroll is going to be taken off and relocated to a separate page. I added the Categories List so you can see what I write about frequently, and find other feature posts or items that you’re interested in (such as Things Mr. P. Doesn’t Know About Me). Don’t forget to check me out on 2o-Something Bloggers by clicking the 2oSB badge. I would appreciate any thoughts on the changes thus far to the design.

Content-wise, I’ve seen a renewed interest in the marriage kits. I feel like I am back at a place where I can focus on those. I have people with different experiences that I can talk to (people who did live together before marriage, people who are not in their first marriage, people who are married to people who have differing religious beliefs or no religious beliefs, people who are counselors, psychologists, and so forth, people who are serial marriers (if their is such a word)). I also found a cheap affordable digital recorder that I plan on purchasing so that I can better render answers to questions and freestyle a bit more. I am working on new questions for the new experiences I’ll be documenting, and I want you to add any questions you may have for these people with at least ten years of marriage experience.

I am participating in the postaday2011 challenge on this blog. I missed a few days and have been going back and uploading the things I wrote for those missed days, so please feel free to go back through January and see all the good content you may have missed. I’m thinking of highlighting my posts for the week in each Freestyle Friday going forward.

Last blog-related thing: Thoughts From the Cubicle, my little blurbs at the end of each post–are you guys liking that new feature, or is it too much access to my random thoughts?

This week I tried a new exercise, Body Attack. If you follow me on Twitter, you may have seen my trepidation at taking a class called Body Attack. I used to have a teacher who quipped, “After one of my exams, you will feel examined.” Well, after Body Attack, my body did feel attacked! I hadn’t taken a cardio class at the gym, and let me tell you, I was DYING to call it a day at the first water break (of all of five seconds), but I made myself continue, and I’m proud of myself for finishing it. It involved a lot of running and jogging in place, which I thought would be too much for my feet (as I’ve tried running and develop a foot pain in my arches after a few minutes), but after a few twinges, I didn’t feel anything. Maybe the foot pain is just a mental barrier I needed to break through, or maybe something else had to hurt to get my mind off of it. 😉 The major problem is I have no rhythm, which was exacerbated by the fact I couldn’t breathe and had no idea what moves were coming next. Aside from sounding like an old smoker afterwards (my exercise induced asthma makes me cough/weeze like an aging chronic smoker), I enjoyed myself. I promised my workout buddy I’d go back next week and see how I like it.

This weekend is much needed for me, and I can’t wait to relax and enjoy it. I also can’t wait to hear from you guys, so keep the comments coming! *Note: The related articles have been freestyled as well and do not necessarily reflect the views of this blog or this blog’s creator.

XOXO

2blu2btru

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Just Thought I Would Drop This While I’m Flying Over…

Tags

change, confessional, Freestyle Friday, Make it Like Poetry, marriage kit, Monday Meditation, new, Things Mr. P. Doesn't Know About Me, Throat Punch Thursday, upcoming, Wednesday Wisdom

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I know you’ve all been wondering what’s next for this blog? What is she going to pick back up, change, or revise? How’s she going to gear up for 2011? What’s next around the corner for Indigo Moods Blog and all things 2blu2btru? Well, I don’t have time to completely fill you in, but here’s a brief preview:

• The Perfect mother (aka Mr. Perfect’s Mom) is asking when she is going to get her marriage kit interview. Apparently she is very excited about the prospect of talking about marriage with me (0_O…should I be afraid, y’all?), and thinks the project is a good idea. She isn’t the only person who’s asked me about it, and since my favorite psychologist has fully recovered, I’ve been re-energized to continue with the Marriage Kits.
• I will be doing my year end wrap up and goals for 2011 posts soon.
• I will make a cast of characters list so that you guys can keep up with who Mz.Independent is and why Mz.Trill is calling me to complain about men plural (LOL).
• I’m going to play around with some new features.
• I’m going to tell you what features I’ll be keeping (so tell me your favorites)
• I’ll reveal my word of the year for 2011 (Hint: You should know what it is because I’ve used it a LOT…feel free to guess :D)
• I have subscribed to a LOT of new relationship podcasts…so you KNOW I’ll have a lot of raw material soon.

In a random turn of events, I cooked a great meal late last night–fried pork chops, cheddar broccoli rice, and steamed broccoli. The night before that I had shrimp scampi over pasta. I love having groceries (and having time to cook)–eating out is rapidly becoming obsolete with me. My cooking is too good to be kept under a bushel!

Random: If you could see the Zemanta suggestions of pictures, articles and tags that came up for this post…and I thought I was random and hungry!

When I get off work tonight (my Friday this week), I’ll elaborate some more. Until then, speculate, lobby for your favorite things, or get reading to figure out what the heck I’m talking about. 😀 

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Elder Wisdom: Marriage Kit

Tags

Christian, Dating, Divorce, God, marriage, marriage kit, marriage preparedness, relationships, Sexual intercourse

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I was lucky enough to corner catch up with one of the elders at church who promised to give me an interview. Never mind that he ( and most of my interviewees, it seems) thinks I’m trying to get the inside info on an institution I plan on joining soon, I will take anyone who will give me an interview, no matter their motives!

After a grueling day of community service at the church, we grabbed some pews to get down to the cross examination interview. “I’m gonna close my eyes but I’m listening,” he said, leaning back against a pew. I wasn’t sure if I would get much from him, but he surprised me–and my notebook! (Again, I’m still praying for my recorder over here–trying to recreate these interviews from my notes is getting old!). I’ll have some spin-off posts from some of the things he brought up, I’m sure. Enjoy!

1. How long have you been married? 28 years
2. How long did you know your wife before you got married? Six years
3. How old were you when you became engaged? 20
4. How long were you engaged? 1 year
5. What were you taught about marriage growing up? My parents separated when I was a teenager. I became a Christian shortly after that; that was when I first picked up instruction other than watching my parent’s interaction. They complained to us kids about each other, stopped sleeping in the same room before divorcing. I learned about marriage in church. I was baptized six months after I met *Yolanda. I learned about marriage through marriage classes and things taught at church about what a husband does & doesn’t do. One of the biggest statements, or statements that have stuck with me, was something I heard in a men’s class. (There was a man who had been married for a long time that was talking).  “How did y’all stay married?” “We never went to bed mad at each other.” We’ve stayed up a long time to make sure we aren’t mad. Everything may not be resolved, but we aren’t mad. I learned that marriage was instituted by God and lasts until you die. God doesn’t like divorce. (I asked question “are there acceptable reasons for divorce) Jesus did grant divorce for marital unfaithfulness, an allowance to divorce. Moses allowed divorce because of the hardness of their hearts. (Allowing for divorce is different than condoning or liking).
6. What was the biggest adjustment you had to make early on in your marriage? Getting used to someone sleeping next to me. I used to check her to see if she was breathing (chuckles). She grew up with ways of doing things and I did. Little things–toilet paper, toothbrush, taking your shoes off when you come in, what to do with dishes after you use them, how to fold things–little frustrations. Most of those things, they’re still there, but they just aren’t an issue anymore. We were young–we didn’t bring a lot of bagge. I never lived as a single w/ their own place, their own door. The things we learned together were almost everything; there wasn’t a lot of relearning.
7. What is something you learned after you got married that you should have known before marriage? I wish I understood better that women cry. So you gone get your way & cry too? That’s just not fair! (laughs) (sobers) I honestly believe that there is nothing you need to know about sex before you get married. You need to learn from your partner. I wish I had known I needed to talk to her about sexual intimacy–what I like and don’t like. It keeps you from things you shouldn’t be into, like pornography or lusting after other women. I’ve learned women will not tell you what they want all the time. You have to ask, and in some cases, you have to get help–or trial and error vs. assuming if nothing is said, everything’s OK. You have to ask without being asked.
8. How do you get to know someone? What jumps out first isn’t always most important; we have values that are core and are most important even when we don’t let them right on the surface. From a woman’s perspective, work ethic, family values about marriage, honorable values about women–but sometimes what jumps out first first is what we see. Sometimes affections take on their own life & you can end up being–find yourself infatuated or enticed in something that is contrary to your values. If I want to marry in the church, I need to look in the church, because those values don’t go away and you are trying to get that person to fit in (convert, etc.). Set some hard rules to show what his core values reflect & avoid things that want to draw you into intimacy where these things pale. I wont say I dated the way I’m suggesting. *Yolanda’s dad helped with her standards. You pick out those core values and if they have those then let’s venture out further. You can’t afford to let the lesser values rule. The attractiveness won’t always be there and along the way you want to stay in love.
9. Why did you get married? I was going home a lot–let me back up. In college, there were college students that were married. I did see that. I saw it working. When I started to consider marriage, while dating at a distance ( They dated long distance for three years), I did go on dates. And part of the intent was, while I’m considering, Yolanda, is there someone else out there that I would be interested in? The dates were–blah. They were all pretty, they were all intellectual. But what it came back to was none of them did anything for me, there was no spark. When I proposed to her it wasn’t my intention to, and it took me back how fast she said yes. (This reminded him of the following saying:). Sometimes you have to chase someone long enough for them to catch you; I think she did that well.  

I’m going to have to break it here (I know, just when it was starting to get good!), but feel free to start commenting on anything you think is worth commenting on.

Have you been reading all of the marriage kit interviews and noticed I have asked these married couples the questions you’ve been DYING to ask a married person? You can leave your question in the comments section, or email me at 2blu2btru4u@gmail.com.  

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Pretty in Pink: Pink Susie’s Marriage Kit

Tags

Black love, love, marriage, marriage kit, marriage preparedness, Pink Susie, relationships

I coaxed Pink Susie to give me this interview when she called me for another, unrelated reason. Sitting on my living oom floor, with Mr. P humming in the background, I began to gently probe her views on marriage. You will find that Pink Susie was raised in a different type of household than my minister was, and that’s just the tip of the difference iceberg. I tried to recreate her responses as a natural conversational flow (I need a recorder…please pitch in!), but this is a faithful rendering of our conversation. Feel free to comment, as always.

1. How long have you been married?

Since February 14th, 1970. It was a Saturday and there was a blizzard the day of my wedding!

2. How long did you know each other before you got engaged?

This question wasn’t really appropriate, I was informed, LOL

We had a six month courtship from the time we starting dating to when we got married.

3. How old were you when you got married?

I was 22,  I think…21 or 22.

4. Were your parents married until death did them part?

Yes, they were married until death did them part. They got married in 1934 at the ages of 16 (her) and 23 (him). It was the first marriage for both of them. They got married in Belle Glade, Florida (<—My grandparents!)

5. What were you taught about marriage?

If you get pregnant, you gotta get married–it was synonymous. No on e planned a wedding; you just went to the Justice of the Peace. No one talked about marriage, they just did it.

6. Why did you get married?

We were dating long distance. He was in Michigan and I was in New Jersey. We met at the NCO club in New Jersey.  He was driving from Michigan to see me. Then he said let’s get married? I said, OK, why not?

7. What was the biggest adjustment you had to make early on in your marriage?

The cold. It was so cold in Michigan. Also, I didn’t have any family in Michigan.

8. What was something you learned after you got married that you should have known before marriage?

That there’s so much give & take. When you live by yourself you don’t think about sharing, separate to joint bank account, sharing your thoughts before you do anything.

9. What was your first fight about?

Our first fight was over the long distance bill! I was always calling my family (in Florida & elsewhere, presumably).

10. Is there anything you regret or wish you’d done differently?

I wish we had gotten our college educations and had careers before we got married. I wish we’d had more money, didn’t have to struggle so hard at first.

11. How old were you when your son came along?

I was twenty-five when *Thomas came along.
12. What’s so good about marriage?

You have someone to share things with, talk to, vacation with. You have a companion, someone to share likes & dislikes, someone who respects you & thinks a lot about you.

13. What should you look for in a mate?

Similar ideas, values, views, expectations, wants…that’s the fabric that holds you together.

14. Why don’t people stay married today?

Money, infidelity, trying to be superman/superwoman, religion, political  ambitions…people just lose interest in each other.

15. What advice would you give people thinking of getting married?

Take time to get to know them; make sure your desires, wants, expactations are similar; you have to be compatible; you have to get used to the checkbook thing.

16. Was there ever a time you wanted to get away? Why did you stay?

Investment– all I had invested into this marriage.

So, there you have it– 40+ years of marriage experience, from a female perspective.

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