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Tag Archives: marriage

Who Wants to Be a Wife?

15 Saturday Feb 2014

Posted by Erica Welch in love, marriage, relationships

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Tags

love, marriage, perception, relationships, stereotypes, wife

I spent a lot of time talking to married people for the marriage kit project and I spend an inordinate amount of time on the internet looking at stories, meme, and articles on relationships, love and marriage. As I continue contemplating my readiness for marriage, I have to admit that I don’t want to be a wife.

*record scratch* Say what, 2blu?

No, really. Wives get a bad rap. Between the “Game Over” t-shirts, the eCards of a man surrendering his credit card to a shopaholic wife, the ball and chain references, and the not-really-joking advice all married men give to those seeking to marry to just say “Yes, dear. I love you” to everything their wives say, wives are horrible people. I heard somewhere once that men don’t settle down; they surrender. They just give up.

Men who aren’t abstinent before marriage are scared off the idea with assertions that women will stop sleeping with them as soon as they get married. Men worry that once they make their women their wives, the women will pack on the pounds, sleep in a face mask and head scarf, and never cook again. They worry that once they have a child with her, they will be placed on the back burner, if not thrown out altogether. Who would sign up for that kind of treatment? And who would want to be that woman?

I don’t want to be the other type of wife that people mock, either. I don’t want to try to be Martha Stewart in stilettos. I don’t want to eat like a rabbit and workout like an actress with a nude scene coming up out of fear I’ll lose my husband if I’m not built like an 18-year old Amazon. I don’t want to put who I am aside and focus solely on being a wife–not having any hobbies or anything to do when I’m on my own, neglecting the things of God in favor of serving my husband, etc. I don’t want to be hopping on one foot barking like a dog (word to Coming to America & Vanessa Bell-Calloway).

I know some incredible women who seem to be great wives. Their husbands seem very happy with them. But the unifying theme is that they are all older Christian wives. When I talk to them, their priorities are very different than the woman of today. But so are their husbands. Neither the husbands nor the wives view marriage as the end of their lives. But it’s rarer to find that these days.

I think it’s easy to get carried away with stereotypes or wanting to convey that marriage is work. People want others to think critically before they commit themselves to another person for life, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But the way that they present marriage doesn’t inspire me to want to get married.

I don’t want to be thought of as some soul crushing, brow beating, never satisfied, fat, lazy woman who’s trying to trap a man before showing her true colors. I also don’t want to have to change everything I am to be seen as a good wife, or feel my marrying or marriage is contingent upon me crossing every “t” and dotting every “i” while cooking dinner dressed in a string bikini and stilettos.

That’s my two cents, anyway. Feel free to leave yours in the comments section.

XOXO,

Erica

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Are You Really Ready?

08 Saturday Feb 2014

Posted by Erica Welch in Confessional, marriage, relationships

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Tags

introspection, love, marriage, marriage preparedness, relationships

I’ve been thinking during my time away from all things love about whether or not I’m really ready to take that next step. I watched a couple YouTube videos where people describe their deal-breakers, and the male perspective stuck out to me. It wasn’t just the particular things that he focused on that stuck out but how I would have measured up on his scale.

To be honest, this guy isn’t my type (great since he’s married), but the things that he said sound a lot like Mr. Perfect. Ignoring a perfect opportunity to branch out into how men are simple creatures (which is the truth wrapped in a lie sealed in an enigma in itself), I focused in on whether or not I could meet those things for Mr. Perfect. Then I thought about if I would want to.

One of the things that has come up a lot is the purpose of getting married. We’ve been hearing a lot of messages on the fact that marriage is not to make you happy. It’s not for you; it’s for the other person. It’s to illustrate the relationship between God and his church to the world. It’s for having and raising children to be God-fearing adults who model Christ for the world. All of which is wonderful and true, but none of which speaks to why anyone in their right mind would sign up for yet another thankless task like being a wife and mother. At this point, with this criteria, I could marry any guy that loved the Lord, wanted to get married and tickled my fancy. Marriage may not be about my continual happiness and may be intended to show Christ’s relationship to His church, but it should mean something to me that makes the trials and hardships that accompany it worth it. There should be something that sets my husband apart from everyone I could have chosen to live out this life with, that makes having to consider and care for him more than showing me how to submit to Christ’s will. I can be an example for the Lord single. I can be content single. I can help raise children in the Lord by teaching Sunday School, working with youth, speaking at youth conferences, and a multitude of things that have nothing to do with getting married and having babies. We can be good Christian men and women single. So when I think about if I’m ready to be married, I first think about why I should be married at all, or even if I should be married.

But I’m beyond that hurdle. I desire to be married. I want to have that one on one relationship with someone where I can love on them, care for them, pray for them, grow with them. I want the spiritual, emotional, physical and material benefits of such a relationship. But am I ready for it? Am I ready to be a submissive wife to my husband, to refrain from using manipulation to get my way? Am I ready to concern myself with another’s needs and wants, to buy into their dream and support them in it even when I don’t know how it’s going to work out? Am I ready to keep a house, both in a spiritual and physical sense? Am I ready to look the part, to be a beautiful crown? Am I ready to commit to someone else and their life decisions? Am I ready to be provided for to the best of his ability, to budget much more rigidly than I currently budget in order to ensure our family is financially fit? Am I ready to agree to go where he goes? Am I ready to be his biggest cheerleader? Am I ready to deal with family and friends and well-meaning associates who try to track their timelines, agenda and discord into our home and family? Am I ready to tow the party line and present the united front even if I disagree on the final decision? Is anyone ever really ready for all of that?

Maybe it’s best to get married when you are certain that the two of you can do life together and are confident this person is the right choice, not when you have all the answers to all of the questions. I used to be certain and optimistic, but having all of these years to consider, and all of this time to grow used to living to please God and myself without sharing my home and body have added dimensions to the discussion that weren’t present before. I believe that certainty and optimism, coupled with a strong faith and a certainty of being in God’s will for your life is so necessary for making a marriage work. I’m not saying go into marriage with rose-colored glasses, but I’m finding the longer it takes to make a decision, the harder it is to make. I think some of the areas I worry about my abilities in would be just fine if I were married. We’d figure it out together. It’d be a funny story to tell, one of those misadventures that start new chapters in your love story. As a still single person, they can turn into just another reason you’re still single, something you have to fix and perfect before you get married. I’m not sure if I’m even making sense, but these are the things I think about.

The biggest worry it’s hardest to fight at this point is the “what’s wrong with me?” worry. If you last five years on my job, you get an extra five days of vacation a year (which I will achieve this year in June!). If you are with Progressive’s auto that long, you get diamond status, where they’ll forgive minor accidents, lower your rate, and treat you like royalty. Longevity is positive in these arenas. But being in a relationship for six years and not moving for to marriage when you both agree that marriage is something you want is not a good thing. The thought continues with the observation that there’s obviously something that’s holding up progress. And what if that something is me, or something about me? What’s big enough to keep us from moving forward yet not big enough to break us up? That’s not to say that the problem has to be me or even my problem, but after all this time, it feels like it is. If we were both happy and content with where we were, then it wouldn’t be an issue that we aren’t moving forward. If I wanted someone to go to the movies or eat an occasional meal with for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t have a problem not moving forward to marriage.

But I’m honest enough with myself to concede that I want to have sex, to snuggle in bed on Saturday mornings, to make a house into a home, to cook and clean for my family, to go on vacations and plan a future together, to help my husband achieve his life goals, and maybe have a child or two somewhere along the way. An if this isn’t that, then there’s no need to continue down this road.

I bought Baggage Claim on blu-ray/DVD. In it, Djimon Hansou is a wealthy businessman who charms Paula Patton’s character. He’s funny and charming and well-traveled, and he wants her to travel the world with him. But he doesn’t want marriage. In the end she knows he’s not going to give her what she really wants and she lets him go instead of wasting their time. He respects her decision. I love that many of the men in the movie aren’t wrong, they’re just not right for her. There’s nothing wrong with going after the love you want and the person you want it with. I need to love the old geezer in the rocking chair beside me as much as I need to be all in with the seven pack wonder with big dreams and stars in his eyes.

I’m going to stop now. I am going to step away from the rom-coms and the keyboard. But I would be interested in hearing how you all have dealt with similar issues. What’s your two cents on marriage, how long you should date, your reasons for marriage, or story of a love you left behind because you knew it wouldn’t ever be what you needed it to be?

XOXO,

Erica

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My-So Called Life as a Submissive Wife Review on The Season for Getting Serious

30 Thursday May 2013

Posted by Erica Welch in books

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

love, marriage, My So-Called Life as a Submissive Wife, relationships, Sara Horn, submission

Hello, Dear Readers!

I finished reading My So-Called Life as a Submissive Housewife and posted my review over at The Season for Getting Serious Blog. I think that blog is a better fit for this book as it is a Christian book. However, I am aware that some of you love to get my Christian view of relationships, and I figured you might be interested in reading another author’s perspective of a thorny issue. Therefore, I’m providing you with a little excerpt of my review to enjoy.

“I can think of at least two types of people who do not need to read this book. These include women who already feel like they have a strong grasp on what it means to be submissive to their husbands and women who are looking for a clear, concise guide or handbook with steps, charts and footnotes on what it means to be submissive to their husbands.”

This is how Sara Horn begins introducing My So-Called Life as a Submissive Housewife to her readers. She lets the reader know immediately that she is sharing her personal experiences in much the same way as she did with her first book, My So-Called Life as a Proverbs 31 wife. These two books chronicle year-long experiments undertaken by Ms. Horn in an effort to live up to the qualifications of a wife as written in the Bible. They read like getting a glimpse into a woman’s personal diary as she struggles to make sense of her role as a wife as defined by God’s word.

When I read the introduction to this book, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. The introduction sets the tone of Sara’s writing (humorous and serious in turns), sets the expectations (not a step by step instructional but an honest account of one woman’s year long quest to learn to be a submissive wife), addresses the sociocultural climate in which she is writing, and tells us why this subject is important to us spiritually. I knew that this book, if nothing else, would at least be well written and edited.

You can continue reading this review at The Season for Getting Serious.

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A “Successful” Courtship

22 Saturday Dec 2012

Posted by Erica Welch in Faith/God/Gospel, marriage kit, relationships

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Courtship, discernment, God, Joshua Harris, love, marriage, Prayer, success

 

So shall My word be that goes forth out of My mouth: it shall not return to Me void [without producing any effect, useless], but it shall accomplish that which I please and purpose, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it. Isa. 55:11

 

This scripture was in my head all day yesterday. I don’t know why, but when Joshua Harris asked what I would define as a successful courtship in his book, Boy Meets Girl, this came to mind. He started out by relaying how he’d heard about some friends who had decided to end their courtship. At first, he viewed this as an unsuccessful courtship. Then he realized that the courtship had accomplished what they wanted it to, it just didn’t have the hoped for outcome.

 

When two people decide to actively engage in a relationship with an eye towards discovering whether or not they should get married, whether or not it ends in marriage does not determine the success. Anytime you are able to make a clear, informed decision about whether or not you should marry, it’s a success. But try keeping that perspective and balance when you’re the one in the courting relationship!

 

It’s always amazing to me what happens when I share God’s word with someone. There have been people I really wanted to bring closer to Christ and His truth who just don’t fully embrace God’s word. It has frustrated me to see close friends and family pick and choose what to believe in the Bible or act as if they can decide to give God any kind of response they want. It doesn’t always matter how I present the Word or the timing of it; they just don’t want it. It has taken me a long time to realize that God’s Word accomplishes exactly what God means for it to accomplish. Sometimes it draws people closer and sometimes it drives them away. As a Christian, my job is to share the Word. I’m not supposed to be concerned with the results because I don’t know what a successful result is in any given situation. I can’t see all that God is doing. I don’t give the increase. Anytime I share the Word, it’s going to be successful. God’s word is going to do exactly what it’s supposed to do. That should be freeing. I can’t mess it up. But when there are feelings involved, it’s not so easy.

Throughout this season of courtship, I’ve learned that God answers prayers. I’ve also learned that sometimes the answer isn’t a simple yes or no like I’d want it to be. I wanted to know if I should marry Mr. Perfect, and my answer has been the Marriage and Family Workshops every 4th Wednesday, pre-marital counseling, and some uncomfortable revelations about self and others (To be fair, I asked for the wisdom to make the right decision. Maybe if I had asked a yes or no question, I could have received a simpler answer :D). I’ve also learned that God doesn’t have to drop out of the sky or send a blazing neon sign in order for me to get the message. He has placed some wonderful people around me who both knowingly and unknowingly have pointed me to the right scriptures at the right time, whose lives have been testimonies, and who have opened up their homes and hearts to share with me knowledge that I would have paid dearly to acquire through experience. Hearing the same things over and over again from people who don’t know each other nor do they know I’m dealing with decisions in the area they are speaking on just convinces me God knows I need some help and has placed study guides in this world for me.

 

Even if at the end of all of this I am back to being single, this courtship will not be without its accomplishments. I have learned to communicate better. I’ve corrected many negative traits I had. I’ve developed more discernment and a reliance on God for wisdom and not myself. I have written a book that will help many others wade through some of the wrong thinking we have about what relationships are all about because I’ve been disabused of such notions. I can say that I have conducted myself well in this courtship. I have done the work to know exactly what it is I bring to the table, good and bad. I’ve done the work to make an informed decision about my future. How can that not be counted as a success? 

Success simply means that something has done what it was supposed to do, even if it’s not what we wanted it to do. I may not end up saving a soul or flashing a shiny ring, but whenever God’s will is accomplished, it’s a success. This quote I saw on twitter by CS Lewis perfectly sums it up:

C. S. Lewis‏@CSLewisDaily

For you will certainly carry out God’s purpose, however you act, but it makes a difference to you whether you serve like Judas or like John.          

A successful courtship, a successful life, is one that seeks out God’s will and then lines itself up with it. People like to think of sins as mistakes and God as this eraser that makes most of what you did disappear; that’s not how it works. God forgives sin, but consequences still come. However things end up for me, I strive towards eliminating sin and the need for God to have to work around what I’ve done to get me back on the path He had me on to begin with. Again, CS Lewis says it so much better:

C. S. Lewis‏@CSLewisDaily

Whatever you do, He will make good of it. But not the good He had prepared for you if you had obeyed him. #CSLewis

Your Two Cents: How do you view success? Did your relationship work out as you intended? What are you doing for Christmas?

XOXO

2blu2btru

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  • REVIEW: “Boy Meets Girl” by Joshua Harris (shouldbereading.wordpress.com)

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Design of (Half) a Decade

05 Wednesday Dec 2012

Posted by Erica Welch in love, Uncategorized

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Tags

anniversary, Decision2012, decisions, engagement, faith, Future, God, love, marriage, pre-marital counseling, regret

Some of you may think this has already happened because of my harping on the number in my decision2012 posts, but today is a special day. Today marks my five year dating anniversary with Mr. Perfect. In the past five years, I have: graduated college, almost paid off two cars, found a great job after a few mifits, lived in three apartments, wrote countless blog posts, lost four people very close to me, survived at least three awkward Thanksgivings, and just about finished the first book I will publish…and Mr. P. has been along for the whole crazy ride.

The intent of Decision2012 was to bring the focus back to our relationship as we evaluate if we want to get married or move on. The crazy thing is, though, is that God had already provided the avenues by which we could critically evaluate this before I put my little hands on it. In December, my church had a big marriage and family workshop. They decided to continue to have these forums the fourth Wednesday of every month of this year. This started before devision2012. I don’t know the need at our church for such workshops or who the intended audience was, but it’s definitely helped me.

Along with this has been the more personalized approach of premarital counseling. We have had to think deeply about aspects of marriage as they relate to us. We get to examine and investigate ourselves just as much as each other. Instead of me looking at everyone else getting engaged, getting married, and having babies while our lives pottered along lost in questions of where to eat or do we want to go to the movies, I was able to take a good look at my relationship and decide if this relationship is the one I want to progress towards marriage. We had discussed marriage before, but very vaguely. “I think we could possibly be progressing toward seriously considering marriage” has been replaced with seriously considering marriage.

The last five years has not been without their ups and downs for us both individually and as a couple. I think that we have done the work necessary to make a decision. I was watching an episode of Dr. Phil where a couple was contemplating divorce. Dr. Phil told them that they hadn’t done the work to get a divorce. He said they had to really work on their marriage and relationship to get to a place where either they would continue to be married and moving in a positive direction together or to a place where they had some peace about the relationship and could move forward as an individual knowing that they weren’t making a rash decision. Either way, there was some emotional work to do to get them to a place of wholeness and peace as individuals so that they could make adult decisions. I feel like we’ve done that work.

Our relationship has been mostly good. We don’t argue very often. We have many of the same interests. We have the same values. We seem to want the same things out of life. We make each other laugh with our pop culture references and bouts of silliness. We encourage each other in our times of sadness. We make each other reach for the better. Through this relationship, I’ve learned to be a better communicator, to commit random acts of selflessness, to accept another person’s opinion, to put someone else’s needs first sometimes. I’ve been able to see the impact of my faithful, optimistic outlook on life on someone else, to see how my living testimony has inspired someone else. I’ve known what it was like to have a partner and a support to help with things I want to accomplish. We have grown in maturity and grace in the last five years.

There are still a few more weeks left in pre-marital counseling and this year. We still have one more trip left in us (to New Orleans next Thursday). One more holiday season before decisions have to be made. It’s at times like this you may wonder if I’m regretting things–either the past five years of my relationship or my decision to either get engaged or go our separate ways at the end of this year. The only answer I can give to both of those is “no.” For whatever else it turns out to be, our relationship has been a learning and growing experience for me that is invaluable to my life going forward, in whatever form “forward” takes. Perhaps if God hadn’t allowed there to be so many convenient ways for us to focus on marriage and what His word says about it; if we hadn’t had the opportunity to explore what marriage would look like for us without the commitment of being engaged; if we hadn’t had the opportunity to talk to so many people with so many different marriages; maybe then I would be hesitant over Decison2012. But the essentials to make the decision have been graciously provided to us. I have been in prayer my attitude towards marriage, asking for clarity and wisdom to make the right decisions. I’ve prayed for Mr. Perfect and his process of deciding what he wants to do, that it will be in line with God’s will for him with or without me. I’ve done the work.

Being the romantic that I am, I have always wanted getting engaged to be…effortless. I wanted flowers and sweet words. Somehow I, who never seems to have her nails done, would have perfectly manicured nails with which to take “look at my ring!” pictures. There would be a photographer hidden away capturing the moment for posterity. I’ve written proposals Shakespeare would be proud of in my head to mark the occasion. I would love to be taken by surprise and swept off my feet, but I’ve honestly enjoyed our process. I have felt relieved to look at rings and gently guide him towards something more my style. I like having discussed many of the possible hiccups after the honeymoon stage. I like feeling sure that this could work apart from all the warm fuzzies of a proposal. Perhaps it will leave me free to feel only happy bubbly emotion at the time of a proposal. Hopefully, I will still get to be surprised in some way.

This post is not the post I intended to write, but it’s the one I felt needed to be written. Later on, I will write my usual “Happy Anniversary” post, filled with the highlights of our year together. But for now, I am just being a bit introspective (and long-winded). Don’t let me get maudlin; tell me some happy relationship stories!

XOXO

2blu2btru

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How Choosing a Mate is Like an Election…

07 Wednesday Nov 2012

Posted by Erica Welch in Random, relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

choices, discernment, election, God, love, marriage, relationships, voting

Mr. Perfect was asking me about a remark our minister made about the election. He was talking about how it didn’t matter who was in the White House because God was in control and had set up the government. Mr. Perfect asked me if I believed that it really didn’t matter. I said I did. I believe God works all things together for good for them that love Him and are called according to His purpose. God can use even non-believers to carry out His will. At some point, the conversation switched to making bad choices in mates and divorce, as many conversations do these days for various reasons. As I was explaining my beliefs to him, it struck me that choosing a mate has a lot in common with choosing a President. Here’s my list of similarities:

  • You have to do your research. Anyone can tell you anything, but you have to look at a person’s record. Does he/she keep their promises? Are they swayed by special interests with deep pockets? Do their policies line up with your beliefs on how things should be run?
  • False advertisements and slander abound. Sometimes people oversell themselves when they are trying to get a position. They only put their best foot forward and pretend they have only done well their entire lives. They may even attack a rival’s record and cast doubt on their ability to handle a position. Even special interests groups not affiliated with either candidate will pay for advertisements against a candidate or in favor of a candidate that shares their beliefs. Similarly, when we are going about mate selection, a potential mate may only let us see their best qualities or will cast doubt on someone they see as competing for your affections. Your friends and family members may also have a lot to say about the person’s suitability. Their inner circle will have things to say about you as well. Discernment is key in determining who to let advise you. Read and listen for yourself and weigh biased opinions against the truth you have observed.
  • Debates don’t mean much. Being able to present your arguments for or against issues is important. Looking confident and keeping your poise under pressure bodes well for your ability to handle the position. But when you have your ceremony and are bestowed with the title, foreign leaders and even members of your own House aren’t going to abide by debate rules. There won’t always be a mediator to keep the conversation on track and mudslinging to a minimum. Everyone won’t be swayed by pretty words. How are you going to work with people to get things done? Can you concede the small points and stand firm on the more important ones? Are you willing to stay in the room until an agreement is reached?
  • Prayer is necessary. There’s no way to get around the fact that we will never know everything we need to know about a candidate endorse them unreservedly. Even if we could know this, there’s no way to predict how being elected can change them. At some point in time, you are going to have to choose one of the candidates or not vote. Time can run out and make the choice for you or you can decide for yourself. Either way, God knows all. He knows things we can’t possibly know. Prayer for God to show you who someone really is, to give you discernment, to help you know what questions to ask and who to believe is crucial. If you want God to be a part of your relationship, invite Him in early and let Him stay. Take advantage of the advantages you have in being able to have God personally involved in helping to prevent you from choosing the wrong person for the job.
  • You can only choose one. As good as the candidates may or may not be, you can’t vote for all of them. You may be compatible with one on the social issues and another on the economy. No candidate is going to match up perfectly with all of your ideals (or as Chris Rock says, you won’t meet anyone who loves Star Wars and the Wu-Tang clan as much as you do). You have to choose the best man for the job and support him, or don’t choose anyone.
  • A president can’t change anything without the House and Senate. There are a number of roles in our lives that need to be filled, just like there are many levels of government. These are checks and balances. If a democratic president has a majority republican congress, unless some bipartisanship takes place, they will cancel each other out. The congress won’t pass the laws the president wants, and the president will veto the bills that congress wants. You need a mate that can work well with your congress and you can work well with theirs. You can’t be engaged in a power struggle for every issue. Is this someone whose agenda you can support and push through, or will you constantly filibuster them?
  • There are strict rules for impeachment (aka you can’t undo your vote). Once your vote is cast, it’s hard to recall it. After someone is elected and they do a complete 180, it’s hard to get them out of office before their term is up. Only two presidents have been impeached, or investigated on suspicion of wrongdoing that may lead to removal from office (Nixon resigned before impeachment proceedings against him began).   Both men still remained in office. It’s equally as hard to undo a marriage. Divorce is “easy” in today’s society, but the spiritual and mental ramifications are not easy to overcome, let alone what God has to say about it.
  • Even if you pick the “wrong” candidate, God’s will can still be done. God can use your “wrong” mate. Even when what they do is meant for evil, God can use it for good. All things work together for good for us as Christians. You may be “stuck” with a less than perfect candidate who makes mistakes, but God is ultimately in control.

That’s my two cents, anyway. Leave yours in the comment section.

What are some other ways in which choosing a mate is similar to choosing a president? In what ways is it different? I haven’t even touched on the ceremony similarities. I probably won’t because I don’t want to drag election talk on past today, so feel free to start there.

XOXO

2blu2btru

 

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Thoughtful Thursday: Balanced Thinking

25 Thursday Oct 2012

Posted by Erica Welch in love, relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

commitment, decisions, love, marriage, pre-engagement, pre-marital counseling, relationships, Thoughtful Thursday

One of the MANY pictures I took in St. Augustine. This is at the Old Jail.

There are few things that people both critically overthink and fatally underthink in equal amounts. One of those things is the idea of commitment, of forever.There’s a saying that goes “marry in haste, repent at leisure.” Sometimes we are too quick to pull the trigger on major decisions and make mistakes we can’t take back. Sometimes, however, we face a bit of the opposite struggle.

As you all know, I am under a bit of a deadline in my relationship. Mr. Perfect and I will be at five years of dating in early December 2012. Our relationship could be in preschool, have started and finished undergrad (or a five year master’s program), paid off a car loan, or completed Insanity or P90x approximately 60 times. In the past five years, many, many friends have met and married and had babies. They’ve moved to new cities and started completely new careers. I’ve gotten to be deliriously excited about at least ten engagements, five marriages, and two babies of people I really know and interact with, not to mention countless facebook friends. While I’ve enjoyed everyone else’s happiness and success in the relationship arena, I do wonder if I’m in the remedial love class. I mean, if you can’t either seal the deal or decide it’s not going to work in five years…

I am at the point that I may be overthinking things when it comes to marriage and family. I am at the tipping point, so to speak. The content of this blog is not the extent of the relationship work and knowledge that I’ve acquired in the last three plus years I’ve been writing it. I’ve read so many books about relationships and marriage it is unreal. I have followed the blogs and taken the tests. I should be certified in relationship coaching. Still, I have NO idea what marriage will really be about for me. There are some things you just have to do to know, you know? I have a surplus of knowledge and no experience. In the current job market, you can’t get hired on that.

The key to this commitment issue, of course, is balance and perspective (OK, so maybe that’s two keys). This is why I decided to stick to my original plan of giving this five years (a really generous amount of time, IMHO). Any more time would be uncivilized. Anyone who’s ever even seen gambling on TV knows that there’s a time you have to place your bets and let it ride. Once Regis asked, “Is that your final answer?” there was no turning back. You have to lock it in. But how do you know when you have enough information to make an informed decision? When you have looked at it from every possible angle and ignored all the impossible ones. A balanced perspective.

If you haven’t been following my personal blog What I Wanted to Say (and why haven’t you, get on that!), then you are perhaps unaware that Mr. Perfect and I have started Pre-Marital Counseling. No, we are not engaged; it was something Mr. Perfect wanted to do before deciding on engagement. So far, we aren’t discovering too much; we have talked about nearly everything that’s been said over the last five weeks in six session by one mental health counselor and one minister and one book (huh? Yeah). Forever is such a far reaching decision that it requires a lot of thought and attention. However, at some point you have  to make a decision. The trick is to make a decision based on what you have learned and observed of yourself and your relationship, not other people.

Don’t play the even Miss Independent is getting married (which is true, and I’m beyond excited for her!) card, or the it’s been five years card, or the I’m awesome and you need to marry me card. In fact, just stop playing cards. Don’t pull straws or eeny meenie minie moe it, either. Make an informed decision.

I know many of you think that my sticking to a hard and fast deadline is silly. I don’t get the point of pre-marital counseling for a pre-engaged couple of five years, either. But we all have to do what gives us a level of comfort that we’ve explore all viable options and possible angles without overthinking and possibly missing out on something wonderful.

That’s my two cents anyway. Leave yours in the comments section

Related articles
  • Taking a Big Step in an Unknown Direction (thingsishouldkeeptomyself.wordpress.com)
  • Tips for engaged couples (garrettventry.wordpress.com)

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Never Just for a Ring: Bad Reasons to get Married

02 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by Erica Welch in love, marriage, marriage kit, relationships

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

love, marriage, marriage kit, relationships, Weddings

Whenever I talk about being married, it’s easy for some to get carried away thinking about the process or the possible benefits and not the actual marriage. Many people today are wedding-minded and not marriage minded. I’m sure at some point all women who intend to get married have suffered from this.

I remember reading “One Perfect Day” nearly a year ago and saying “I’m never going to be spend that much money on that” or “why would anyone pay for that?” Now, when I try to envision a wedding, I realize I have some pricey words in my vocabulary. We all know some pricey wedding words: elegant, modern, personalized; it was featured in The Knot or Bride Magazine; Martha Stewart or David Tutera made it; Monique L’huillier, Maggie Sottero, Amsale, Pnina Torné (sp?). Weddings can be the most financially expensive mistake you make in life.

That’s not to say that people running to the courthouse to be married have a better idea of what matters. No matter how you go about tying the knot, there are several reasons that are not good reasons to base such an important decision on. I want to cover this in detail in my book, “It Takes One to Know One,” so I’m only going to give a few of those reasons here. We hear these things over and over, but it never hurts to be reminded.

  • Because she is—There’s nothing like comparison to make a woman get all in her feelings. She can be at a place in life where she doesn’t even want to get married, but then she’ll see that the girl who slept with everyone is getting married and looking respectable, and something inside her will start to whisper “why hasn’t anyone asked me to marry them? I mean, somebody is marrying her. She can’t be getting married before me!” We can think because we  feel someone “deserves” to be married less, because they aren’t as awesome as we are, that we should beat them to the altar. We don’t know if they are in good relationships or what they did to get that ring, but they must have did something because, well, it’s her. I’ve had to check this impulse a few times, the need to compare myself and my relationship to someone else’s. I’ve done the “they’ve only been together x amount of time and I’ve been with Mr. Perfect nearly FIVE YEARS!” But I’ve checked it. If getting married were a competition, I would have been left in the dust and declared the loser a LONNNG time ago. God’s timing is perfect. In the fullness of time. Blah blah.
  • For the benefits–please don’t ever take a job solely for the benefits. You will be a miserable person. I love the benefits I receive at my job, but just recently, they have changed a bit. There are now restrictions that weren’t there before, some things may cost a little more, etc. If I was only working there to receive those benefits, recent changes may make me start looking elsewhere. The same thing can happen in our relationships. If we are in it to split bills or have sex, what happens if someone loses their job or is no longer able/willing to engage in sexual activity? Having someone to help with chores sounds great, but what if that person becomes injured and needs to be taken care of? There are so many ways your asset can become a liability. It’s important to examine whether or not you will still be as committed if you don’t get everything you think you will.
  • For the wedding–Some people can’t wait to have the party of the year, see all of their old friends, receive a bunch of gifts and money, and be the center of attention.  Some are willing to spend a large sum of money they really don’t have to impress others with how much style they have and what a great party they can throw. They begin planning well in advance. Some are buying dresses and other things without a fiancé. A man is only another prop in the day; he is a plug and play and can be anyone. These same people pay little attention to the marriage. After this one day is over, they don’t have the skills to sustain a marriage, nor the money to maintain a household. It’s hard to go back to just being you without all of that attention you’ve been getting, and the diva complex you’ve acquired cannot be satisfied by the love and devotion of your husband.
  • Just to be married—it’s important to make sure you are marrying the man and not just the institution. I have known for a long time I wanted to be married, much longer than I’ve been with the boyfriend. The real question is do I want to be married to him? Marriage is great when you marry the right person and both are committed to making it work. It doesn’t help to be sure about marriage and not about your potential spouse. Marriage is more than a title or a state of being; it will be a major part of your life. In the vows, they ask do you take the person in holy matrimony, not the idea of marriage. Do you want this person? If not, then it’s not the time for you to marry.

There are, of course, many other reasons that aren’t valid for taking that walk down the aisle, many of which I will be discussing in my book. But right now it’s your turn: what are some bad reasons to marry? What are the good ones? Did you marry for the right reasons?

As always, you can leave your two cents in the comments section, or email me personally at 2blu2btru4u@gmail.com. You can also tweet me @2blu2btru or message me on the Indigo Moods Blog Facebook page.

XOXO

2blu2btru

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Growing Up Geared Up

11 Saturday Aug 2012

Posted by Erica Welch in Confessional, love, marriage, marriage kit, Uncategorized

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Tags

attitude, experience, family, learning, love, marriage, Stepfamily

There are many set questions that I love to ask people in my marriage kit interviews. One of the most interesting is the question “What were you taught about marriage growing up?” I tend to think that most people take me a bit too literally when they try to answer this question. They usually look for specific things that people said to them or blanket observances like “if you got pregnant then you had to get married.” Don’t get me wrong; I think that these are valid observances. However, when I put this question to myself, I came up with a bunch of little incidents that I could recall over my life that gave me notions about love and marriage that I probably wouldn’t think influenced me all that much. Somehow, though, they influenced me so much.

Hopefully you won’t mind me sharing some of them with you as I psychoanalyze myself and look deeply into my heart on this. I’d like to start with a memory that explains a little bit about my stance on cohabitation vs. marriage. I give you “Ball of Confusion.”

When I was a little girl, a few of my family members lived with us at some point or another, so I got the opportunity to see quite a few family relationships up close. Even though a few of my aunts and uncles and even a lady I wasn’t the slightest bit related to by blood but was “family” had lived with us over the years for varying periods of time, I only remember us staying with a family member once.

We stayed with my aunt Chloe* when I was about eight or nine years old. I wasn’t really a fan of this, as I was an only child used to having my own room until I was eight, but I bore with my pallet on the floor and sharing a room with a cousin because I knew we would be moving out again soon.

I missed the normal timbre of our house: my stepdad playing his keyboards in the basement with me sitting on a makeshift stool of milk crates while he taught me how he played chords; my mother cooking in her big brown pot and the black caste iron skillet, swaying along to her own music on the big radio I wasn’t allowed to touch. That was the life, the home that I was used to. I was used to taking my plate on a tray to the basement to eat with my stepdad, watching Nascar (even though I didn’t understand the appeal of watching what seemed like hundreds of cars go around in a circle really fast hundreds of times) or football or basketball (my favorites) with him while he yelled to my mom that I was downstairs and wasn’t bothering him. I wasn’t allowed to hang out with the adults when his friends would come over and they would have a jam session, but I could listen by the steps. That was the music of my life–jazz in the basement, chicken frying in the kitchen, R&B in the dining room–and I couldn’t wait to hear it again.

When we finally moved out, I thought the new place was a little small. In all honesty, I don’t remember much about that house at all. It was my least favorite house of the four I lived in growing up. I remember I got roller skates and the Anne of Green Gables series for Christmas while we lived there, and that my stepdad took my mother to see Candyman for her birthday, but other than that, I only have one other memory of our time there.

At some point, my mother and stepfather had some sort of falling out that led to a brief split. Suddenly, there was no stepfather in the basement teaching me chords or explaining the thrill of Nascar. Suddenly, there was Rob.

Rob was a guy my mother had dated before my stepfather. I didn’t remember him at all, but he apparently remembered me. My stepfather was barely out the door before he started to come around. He bought me little things and talked to me like a little kid, crouched down to my level, something I hated. He drove a semi-fancy car and called me cute all the time. He bought ice cream and all of that “I’m trying to get in good with your mother” stuff, but I didn’t like him. He wasn’t my stepdad. Who does this guy think he is?

I distinctly remember he came over one day to visit my mom and stayed almost all day. It was close to my bedtime and I had to go in my room and lay down, but I didn’t feel comfortable leaving him hanging around my mom, nor did I trust him. He wanted to come and help tuck me in, but I put my foot down. I probably said something rude, too. After they went out, I propped my black and white 13-inch TV in front of the door so he couldn’t sneak in. What I thought he would do, I don’t know. I turned the volume on the TV down and watched Valley of the Dolls after I was sure my mother had shown him the door and went to bed. She may or may not have yelled “He’s gone; now cut that TV off and go to bed” on her way to her room.

When my mom and stepdad finally patched things up, I was relieved I’d never have to see Rob again (I was wrong about that one). He was a disruption in my well ordered, happy child world, an interloper who seemed to like rap more than jazz. It didn’t take too long for things to get back to normal.

Looking back, it wasn’t until this time that I realized that, unlike Pink Susie and her husband, my mom and stepdad weren’t necessarily permanent. There was nothing anywhere that said they had to stay, or even that there was anything more to be done than just leave. Not being married meant your union wasn’t secure. It was as secure or temporary as each individual chose, day by day, or even moment by moment.

After this skirmish, my stepdad and mother stayed together until his death in 2009, for a total of 22 (or 23?) years. I have a little brother who was 16 at the time. They lived and worked together to raise a family and supported each other through health issues and etc. until the end. In the end, my mother got…nothing.

That’s the other thing I learned from this whole thing. Legally, in this life you can only be three things relationship wise–single (never married), married, or divorced. No one cares about your “man” “boo thang” “baby” “hubby” (when used by singles who aren’t married to anybody), or “lover.” Common law used to help you, but they fazed that out for anyone who hasn’t been together since the sixties in just about every state. So, despite twenty-something years, (effectively) two children, and a dependence on both incomes, my mother received no insurance, social security, or anything Granddad wouldn’t have let her keep. Without your paperwork, you are just being a wife for free, working a job with no pay, no benefits, and no retirement plan. I’m not into that.

I realize that my mother and stepfather were very happy for the most part. There were mostly laughs and good times in our house, along with the struggle. I was one of those kids who didn’t realize I was poor for a very long time (ahem, little brother, ahem). I was raised to value education and strive to do better than they did. I was given just about any book that I wanted and encouraged to write. I knew I had that base of family support if I didn’t have anyone else. But legally, none of that was real.

Kids need security, and adults (or maybe just this adult) need it, too. I couldn’t feel completely comfortable without a legally (and spiritually) binding commitment. I know all marriages don’t last, but at least divorce gives you a recourse should the marriage terminate. What do you get as a single? Sometimes not even the things with which you came into the relationship.

That’s the first thing I learned about relationships that I’ll be sharing. Stay tuned…

XOXO

2blu2btru

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Burn, Baby, Burn!

11 Wednesday Apr 2012

Posted by Erica Welch in Faith/God/Gospel, marriage, marriage kit, sex

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Christian, First Epistle to the Corinthians, Fornication, God, Human sexual activity, love, marriage, Sexuality

So far, we have had three very productive 4th Wednesday Marriage workshops this year. I for one have developed a deeper understanding of what marriage is for, what it entails, and who should be married. The last 4th Wednesday was geared more towards us singletons, entitled “It’s Better to Marry Than to Burn.” Most people, let alone Christians, are pretty familiar with this saying from I Cor. 7, but I’m not sure most people understand exactly what it means. OK, so I will admit I didn’t understand exactly what it meant.

A better translation of this can be found in the Amplified Bible:

But to the unmarried people and to the widows, I declare that it is well (good, advantageous, expedient, and wholesome) for them to remain [single] even as I do.

9But if they have not self-control (restraint of their passions), they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame [with passion and tortured continually with ungratified desire].

Before I read this, I assumed that it was better than to burn in Hell for fornication. I’m being completely serious. It never occurred to me that it was actually say it’s better to have a God-sanctioned way to quench sexual desire than to be tortured by ungratified desire. This puts things in a different perspective.

In the other lessons as well as this one, it is made plain that sexual desire is not the problem. The problem is operating outside of God’s will with regards to quenching those desires. God created us with a sexual drive that spurs procreation, but sex is also meant to be satisfying. You can have sex without the express purpose of procreation and still be a good Christian (if it’s with your husband or wife). You can ask for it and should receive it. In fact, you shouldn’t deny each other except by consensus for an agreed upon time.

I’m pleased to see that the church is making it plain that sex is not bad, but disobedience to God is. I think a lot of people get it so confused. When they do get married, many people can’t get over the mental programming that sex in itself is sinful. Putting parameters on the who and when is not a condemnation of the activity.

One day I hope to be married. I only hope to be as satisfied as our speaker seemed to be with my choice of a spouse in the sexual arena. If at first I’m not, it’s my right to inform my husband of this, and he should be as willing to learn what pleases me as I should be to learn what pleases him.

An interesting point was brought up in this article that I didn’t think about:

The defilement of God’s arrangement for sexual activity within the marriage relationship, is so serious that it’s the only cause He gives for divorce with the possibility of remarriage (Matt. 5:32; 19:9).

It’s time that we take sex more seriously, people! I’m not going to preach another fornication lesson (as you all must know I’m prone to do…for me as much as you) because that’s not the purpose of this post, but just know God is serious about this.

So, in summary: sex is good (great, even) when done according to God’s plan (i.e., within the marriage bed). Sexual desire is natural, and wanting sexual companionship doesn’t make you a bad person. Choosing to remain single and non-sexually active isn’t bad either. Let’s inform our teens and young adults of this.

I’m not going to tell you what I may or may not do in my marital bedroom, nor do I want you to tell me what goes on/will go on in yours, but just know the marriage bed is undefiled and if it isn’t sinful and you both like it, I love it.

That’s my two cents, anyway. Leave yours in the comments section.

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