Things I’m Learning in 2019…

Tags

Dating, friendship, goals, growth, life update, Men, New Year's Resolutions, perspective, relationships, steward, update, word of the Year

I met my word of the year with an immediate “no thank you” again this year. Again, it’s stretching me in ways I don’t want to be stretched and often don’t think I’m made to. I knew this word would be a year defining one, and it hasn’t proven me wrong.

There are a million reasons I did not want to take this word on this year, but the main reason is it represents the opposite of what I thought this year would be about for me. I was expecting explosive growth. I was hoping for a husband, a home, a big group of friends I could share my hospitality skills with, and more money to spend on what lights me up inside. In short, I wanted MORE. This word felt like God saying “no” to giving me the things I feel I’m lacking. I kicked against the prick, but all that did was drive it in deeper. I was stuck with it. My word of the year would be “STEWARD” whether I wanted it or not.

But a curious thing has been happening. Attempting to steward what I’ve already been given is not only making room for the things I hoped to have this year, it’s given me opportunities to actively acquire those things. For the most part, I’m discovering things I used to know and building on this knowledge to create a life that isn’t the disappointing one I was expecting.

One of the things I want to be a better steward of this year is my relationships. I hated this aspect of it because the last thing I wanted to do was settle here. I wanted to move to a bigger city with more eligible men and people my age I could befriend, a place with jobs I might be more interested in. I wanted new opportunities. Settling here felt like accepting a life of singlehood amongst people who could be my parents or grandparents and others my age who are all already married with children who didn’t have time to spare for me. But God surprised me.

My foray into online dating might be a failure thus far, but I’ve managed to cultivate some awesome relationships offline. I’ve made and deepened friendships with people I have things in common with across age groups and marital statuses. I have friends with whom I can dissect The Masked Singer, attend a ladies day or gospel meeting, grab lunch after service, or attend a regular game night. By attempting to be a better friend, relative or member of my local congregation, I’ve gained new friends.

One offshoot of this is relearning to navigate friendships with men. I used to have many male friends, but as I grew older, the number decreased to zero. This was mostly due to the distinctions and rules of engagement dictated by an interest in finding and marrying “the one.” Where I once prided myself on seeing the value of men as people and not looking on every man as a potential spouse, I began to place men in categories based on their eligibility and my interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with them. Although I’d heard and even believed friendship could lead to love, I excluded any men I was interested in dating from the group of men I could be friends with. Years of painful bouts with unrequited love taught me I couldn’t be just friends with a guy I liked. I equated friendships with men with accepting we’d never get together, and as a result, many amazing men never got the chance to be my friend, and many other amazing men who might have been interested in me romantically were left to die in the friend zone.

I didn’t know how to be a good friend to the male friends I had after that. I was so concerned with not giving them the wrong impression, I couldn’t relax or be myself around them. I was afraid if I joked with them they would think I was flirting, or if I slapped their shoulder when I laughed they would take it as some girlish way of expressing interest in a romantic relationship. In short, I didn’t know how to navigate male/female relationships.

But I’m slowly learning to navigate them again. I’m learning how to joke with my brothers in Christ or discuss common interests or share a meal without second guessing my every word or action. I’m learning  friendships can and do grow and change, and accepting a friendship can become something more (spoiler alert: in case you were wondering, this is not a rom-com or romance novel scenario where a friendship has turned into a romance, and none of my friendships are showing signs of doing so at the time of this writing).

It hasn’t been easy to steward these relationships well. There have been awkward moments and missteps. I’ve overthought things and caught myself reading into things. But I’m learning to laugh off the awkwardness. I’m learning not to assume everyone who does a certain thing is doing it for the same reasons I would or is trying to communicate the same things. I’m constantly reminded how asking leads to clarity and assumption leads to confusion and misunderstanding.

Relationships are only one pillar of my life I’m seeking to steward well this year. I can’t wait to share more with you on how God is growing my stewardship of other areas of my life.

How have you been tending to your relationships in 2019? Is there anything you realize you need to do differently in your relationships? Let me know in the comments.

XOXO,

Erica

Commanding Respect Sounds Cool, but…

Tags

behavior, command, demand, Men, respect

In my post about commanding respect vs. demanding respect, I told you all that I would give some more practical tips and advice about how to command respect, and I didn’t. I’m sorry. It is time to remedy that situation by popular demand.

As I said in the original post, expect what you project. What I’ve found in my dealings with the opposite sex especially, I have found that you have to teach people how to treat you. When you try to “stand toe to toe” with a man, demanding respect and to be treated equally, he begins to see you as a man. Men compete with other men. They are aggressive with other men. They don’t always consider another man’s feelings. They get into fights with other men. I don’t want men to treat me how they treat other men; I want to be treated like a woman. So the very first “tip” that I would give any woman is to de-masculinize yourself to a man.

How do you de-masculinize yourself? By changing your speech, appearance and body language. Some of the women that I admire for the way they command respect get more done with a raised eyebrow than most women get done with shoulder pads and page boys. Don’t raise your voice, screech, roll your neck, point in his face, get in his face, make angry gestures with your hands, or otherwise show you aren’t in control of your emotions; you look like a toddler having a temper tantrum, and it causes men to treat you like a kid. It lowers you to the level of a child in the eyes of your child when you respond how they would. Model the behavior that you want to see from the individual. I do the following:

Speak in a clear, well-modulated voice.

Stick as close to logic as possible in a disagreement. Men are logical and feel they have a frame of reference to respond to a logical  argument. You can mention your feelings in a logical cause and effect way and get them to understand it if you have to explain. Explanation is your friend, especially initially. (Remember, you are teaching.)

Don’t be afraid to use the gift of touch in personal communication. A gentle hand on the arm, pat on the hand, a firm hand at the back of a child going in the wrong direction–we women have the gift of conveying a lot in a touch. Use it.

Know when to shut up. So many people would benefit from knowing when to shut up. The louder and more emotional someone gets, the softer you should talk. If it is clear that communication is no longer taking place, stop talking. If it is clear someone is agitated or preoccupied and will not be able to engage productively in a conversation you want to have, don’t broach it until they are in a better space. If you have to debate about something, ask yourself if it is worth it to debate.

Stick as close as possible to positive statements. Tell someone what you would like for them to do, not what you don’t like that they do. Express appreciation when someone does what you had asked them to do. Don’t bring attention to petty annoyances whenever possible.

When it comes to teaching someone how to treat you with respect, imagine yourself as a kindergarten teacher. Everything you need to know, you really did learn in kindergarten.

It also doesn’t help to dress too masculine or too sexually; both detract from your femininity and give men the wrong signal, especially when worn in the wrong arenas. A sexy outfit at work makes people take you less seriously. It makes you look like you may have gotten your job for something other than your ability to manage people or collate copies, it makes the other women uncomfortable, and male coworkers may avoid direct interaction with you to avoid the possibility of a sexual harassment suit. Conversely, looking like you are at the helm of a hostile business takeover makes you look like you are ready to play hardball with the big boys–not a look you want at home. I’m not a fashion maven, but I would suggest the following:

Break up a solid color or striped business suit with a fun colored top with a feminine cut. I prefer soft colors and avoid bull’s-eye red. I like cream, mauve, powder blue, that sort of thing. I also prefer a more feminine cut to dress pants or slacks, not hugging or hiding curves. Business suits have come a long way.

Every woman should have these three outfits: cute jeans and a dressy top that can be dressed up with heels for a night out; a little black dress, and some formal “church” attire.

Avoid severe hairstyles where possible, and leave wisps of hair to frame the face or don’t pin/pull hair as tight to give it a more feminine look.

I always accentuate my eyes. You may have a more feminine mouth or pretty cheekbones. Accentuate the positive.

The major take away here is to look like a woman. The bulk of the work of commanding respect is done by setting expectations, modeling respectful behavior, and refusing to engage in disrespectful behavior. It’s about picking your battles.

Does anyone have any other tips on commanding respect?

XOXO

Erica

The Difference Between Command and Demand

Tags

command, demand, influence, lady, Men, respect, women, Women rights

I wasn’t sure if the denotation would bear me out as much as the connotation would on this one, but low and behold they both agree with me. I should preface this by saying I am not a feminist. Yes, I am a woman and I think women should be afforded equal rights in the workplace and so on. I am certainly not a misogynist, nor an “independent” woman. If I had to qualify myself, I would say that I am a lady. So, if any of this offends your sensibilities, blame it on my vintage 1950’s “ladyness,” if that makes you feel better.

The dictionary definitions we will concentrate on for demand are as follows:

• something claimed as due
• a seeking or state of being sought after
• the requirement of work or the expenditure of a resource

The definitions of command I want to work with are as follows:

• to exercise a dominating influence over; have command of
• to have at one’s immediate disposal
• to demand or receive as one’s due
• to direct authoritatively.

For those of you who don’t like to read my long posts, the gist of this is: When it comes to respect, command supercedes demand in getting the desired results.

I have heard women for years going around demanding respect and that men treat them a certain way. They have demanded a lot of things, many of them successfully (at least to what they were trying to accomplish). We have better employment opportunities and are taken more seriously at work, although there is still room for progress. We have demanded the right to choose when it comes to childbearing, and have gotten it, though that battle still rages on. We have demanded to be treated equal to men, and boy, have we gotten it.

The thing is, we don’t want it. Women are inherently different to men, and in certain situations, we are demanding to be treated like ladies–soft, delicate creatures that men should treasure, instead of like other men in the street. It seems that by our demands–for respect, to control reproduction, for more money, for equal rights–we have somehow defeminized ourselves. It seems that men have taken it too far. Now, they won’t hold a door for you or stop cursing around you like sailors. They expect you to pay for your dinner and theirs. Some think they don’t need to bother with the niceties of dating; after all, we are all “sexually revolutionized” and don’t have to wait for marriage to express our sexual desires within the confines of a loving relationship.

I don’t have a lot of problems with the above mentioned things. I don’t get cat called on the street or have to deal too often with over aggressive men. I am like many other women– I work a full time job to support myself, have a college degree, everything I have I bought it, blah blah. Yet men open doors for me, offer me their umbrella, make sure I get to my car safely. Men alter their coarse behavior around me because they realize I don’t appreciate it. All with very little verbal coaching from me, if any. I’m just a commander.

The nature of a demand, according to the above mentioned definitions, is such that it requires work and expenditure for something you claim you should already be afforded. Basically, this means you are working for something that you should be getting for free, something that is due you as a matter of course. You are seeking after it, boycotting and picketing for it, but you just aren’t getting it.

Don’t get me wrong; there are some things that you have to demand, that no one is going to give to you just because it’s yours by rights, and I understand that. I’m not putting down the advances that women have made. I’m just saying that sometimes demands aren’t fulfilled, just like in the supply and demand relationship in economics.

Command is different. Soldiers know better than to contradict the commanding officer, even more so if they step out of bounds and receive the punishment. A commanding officer never has to give supporting arguments as to why you should follow instructions; they expect that their instructions will be carried out. Command works by influence, not by brow beating. Influence is to alter by indirect or intangible means. In other words, there’s just something about you. It’s not telling someone how to treat you verbally or physically forcing them to, it’s indirect.

How do you command respect? Expect what you project. If you want respect, you should project respect. Everything about you should be saying “respect me,” the least of which being your lips. I dress in a way that allows me to be respected. I respect other people. I reward displays of respect with a smile and a thank you. If you don’t respect me, I don’t demand that you do, I simply remove myself from your presence, and most men get the hint. I don’t have to brow beat or nag them not to smoke or drink in front of me, to stop cursing or treating me like one of the guys. I don’t act like a man or think like a man. Everything about me says lady, and that’s what they respond to.

I’m making this out to be easier than it is for some women. It’s been integral to me since I was young. It’s how I was raised. But I will give some more concrete tips and thoughts after work.

The bottom line, though: expect what you project, not what you demand. Or, actions speak louder than words.

That’s my two cents, anyway. Leave yours in the comments section.

Seeing it From the Other Side

Tags

annoyance, Black people, change, frustration, love, Men, miscommunication, relationships, women

I’ve hit the wall with The Denzel Principle. It’s not because of the content of the book, it’s because I’ll read a bit, then get lost in my own digressions and thoughts/feelings about what has been said. What comes to mind the most while reading this book is how different things look depending on which side of the gender line you stand within the Black community.

One of my blog followers, a real life friend, frequently expresses her annoyance with the plethora of books and TV shows on the market to address the Black woman’s plight and help her get a man. This is true for other nationalities as well. All the literature seems geared towards teaching women how to get or keep a man. Why aren’t there any books, TV shows, etc. geared towards the men? Why don’t they have to jump through all of these hoops to attract a mate? Why aren’t they being schooled on what women want and expect? Of course, my thoughts on that are simple: it’s a supply and demand ratio, and we women are available any and everywhere, more than one for each man, whereas there simply aren’t enough men to go around. Men feel they don’t have to do or be anything special because the numbers are on their side. Besides, men don’t seek and get advice the way women do. They’d just ask a knowledgeable friend or older male, whereas we will ask friends, family, consult the research, conduct research, and do interviews with every male we know, just to cover all the contigencies. Now, there are many books aimed at helping men in relationships once they get married, which could be because that’s when men actually commit to the relationship and admit they are in it for the long haul, but we’ll get back to that later.

On the other side of the divide, you have The Denzel Principle. In this book, this man is stating that there are all of these books out there, not to help women find and keep good men, but to teach women how to change men into a hodge podge between a lap dog and a best friend. He contends there are many books out there, some by Black men, asserting to Black women that they are all queens and black men are all dogs and you have to train and groom them into the man you want. If that doesn’t work, it’s time to upgrade to a new one. He asserts women are being taught that accepting a good man is settling, that they should hold out for this mythical perfect man. Why are sisters so hard to please? Why won’t women accept a good man anymore? Why are women always trying to change men? Why are men always the bad guys?

It’s interesting to me that these two dynamics can coexist alongside each other. On the one hand, women are annoyed, irritated, and angry that they are constantly being told they are the ones who need to change to catch and keep a man, that their single state is being bemoaned and investigated by everyone from CNN to the person doing her pedicure (true story).  They are tired of being told to change their dress, their speech, and their personality to get a man. They have had enough of being told to Act Like a Lady and Think Like a Man. Men don’t have to do all of this. On the other hand, you have men who are angry and confused by the messages of women in society. Women say they want a good man, but that doesn’t seem good enough. Everywhere they look, they are being told that Black men are liars, cheaters, and dogs, undeserving of the queens that Black women are. Women are out to train and change men, to make men conform to what they want. Both seem to be screaming, “why can’t I be accepted for who I am?”

It seems everyone feels as if they are being forced to pretend to be something that they aren’t to get a mate, and then watch the relationship disintegrate when reality begins to shine through. People feel duped and mislead. Everyone is asserting “this isn’t who I married/began dating/fell in love with.” Everyone is placing blame on someone else’s doorstep.

Why don’t we reclaim truth? Why don’t we put honesty back on the top of our requirements? Why don’t we start by being truthful with ourselves about who we are and what we want? I personally don’t have the time or energy to pretend to be something I’m not, nor to accept a man I don’t want in the hopes of molding him into what I want. Maybe it’s a by- product of the fleeting years and march of time, but I have no room in my vocabulary for phrases like “I can change him” or “with a little work, he’ll be perfect for me.” I can meet you where you are and accept it or not. Potential is just an acknowledgement of what a person could do and has nothing to do with whether or not they actually follow through and accomplish what they can. I can “work with a brotha,” in that if I like him and see him striving to do better for himself , I can see where the relationship leads, but I can’t work with anyone I have to cajole, sweet talk, and/or threaten to make the most of himself like a testy car that starts and stops when it wants to.

This quote from my 7 Habits of Highly Effective People calendar says it best:

No one can persuade another to change. Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside. We cannot open the gate of another, either by argument or by emotional appeal. -Marilyn Ferguson

I think there’s a grain of truth on both sides of the divide, and the only way to address the complaints is honest (and maybe to ignore society). That’s my two cents, anyway. Leave yours in the comments section.

Related Articles

• Thoughts? “OMG! The Black Male Marriage Crisis” (shayfresh.wordpress.com)
• Yeah, We Said It: “Straight” Black Women with Effeminate Men – What’s the Deal? (bossip.com)
• New Study: Black Women Have Highest Rate of Children with Different Fathers (relationshipvoice.wordpress.com)
• White Women Do It Too: 8 Things Black Women Can’t Get Away With (bossip.com)
• Black Men Don’t Matter? (ergonom3.wordpress.com)
• Black Women and The Martyr Complex (aloftyexistence.com)

Freestyle Friday: The Owning Up Edition

Tags

advice, articles, Christian, Independent Women, marriage, Men, News, relationships, Tracy McMillan, unplugged, Valentine's Day, women, yoga, Yogi

One of my Link Love picks talks about this book. Cover of Men Who Can't Love

*I must warn you; this will be a bit of a long post, between all the links and things for you to look out for from this blog. If you’re looking for links to great writing posts, please visit Copywrite1985, my writing blog.

Thank God it’s Friday! This week has been a ROUGH week for me, which is why you haven’t seen any new posts from me. I will definitely post for those missing days, and I’ll link to all the posts I add in when I post the next FF.

So what have I been doing this week? Making money! Until the blogs I have can make some money, I have two jobs: an 8-5 M-F, and I do consulting on documentation for group homes in the Central Florida area. I used to work for my aunt, Pink Susie, and an Adult Day Training program. Now I work for a different group home provider. Anyway, they changed the system of reporting (again), which necessitated new reports for several people I work with (again), causing me to have nearly TRIPLE the amount of work I have in an average month due within the past TWO WEEKS! Eek!

Add to the stresses of a regular job and a now work intensive side hustle the college preparatory workshop ideas I have to present to the Education Committee at church at 9 a.m. tomorrow, the book club book I had to read, and the two writing deadlines I have before my birthday next Thursday, and you can see my brain is a little fried. So please bear with me.

Someone asked me about what other things were on my blog about Independent Women/Independent Attitude besides Brian’s post and my post titled Real Independent Women. After doing a little digging (I have over 350 posts here!), I noticed that I also addressed independent women and commitment phobic men in the Gender Roles Post Series I did (find posts here and here). I also addressed Independent Women with my minister in his marriage kit interview (found here).

Speaking of the marriage kits, I have several to get out to you guys. I’ve been crafting introductions and selecting topics from those conversations to discuss individually. The marriage kits I’ve done thus far will be up very soon (as soon as I have time to finish typing them.)

There were so many, many links I wanted to give you for this week! I’ve noticed there are some blogs where I just love every post. So I’ll mention the posts I like here, but I’m also going to get to work on the new page for a blog roll of what I’m reading, so you can always keep up with their quality content. *Note: I didn’t have time to do the non-wordpress.com links, so look for those tomorrow.* So, without further ado:

This week, of course, was heavy on love and marriage. Two very different post surfaced about men and women and marriage that were interesting. One was from Tracy McMillan, “Why You’re Not Married” (the irony did NOT escape me), and the other was Hugo Schwyzer’s “Why Some Men Don’t Want to Get Married.” Kemelp wrote a response to McMillian’s article, “I’m Not in a Relationship and I’m not Surprised.” Researches have determined exactly how long the “honeymoon period” is in marriages; it’s not long. MissMitten’s “I Got Married Without A Manual. And That’s My Excuse” was funny, but true. Nadine Harts explores her relationship with her spouse (from whom she’s separated)in raw detail in “No Differences.” Justmarriedgirl ponders impending motherhood and 127 hours in her post, “Don’t Look. It’s Terrifying.”PonderAnew posted the cutest marriage announcement I’ve ever seen. But enough about marriage.

I read a great post, “Desiring Purity” by Good Girl Gone Home that, along with some other conversations I’ve had, inspired me to write an upcoming post. Coco had a realization that there were indeed “Slim Pickings” when it came to what she was looking for in a relationship. Catherine hosted Petunia Johnson for an informative post on”Men Who Can’t Love.” I think this is truly the worst.date.EVER. Hindsight Letters wrote a wonderful letter to her 19 year old self, “The Trouble with Fairytales” (I’m so thinking of guest posting with them! Looks fun. :D). Finally for the love arena, there was the Happy Singles Awareness Day post over at Dear Future Hubby.
SS4BC wrote a great post about budgeting from her Financial Peace University Week Three experiences. On the yoga front, I really enjoyed “Yogi Got Back,” in which the practice of yoga resurfaces some old issues for Danielle. Speaking of Yogis, Amy really inspired me this week. First, with her post exhorting us to go “Back to Basics“, then with her post “Stubborn Enlightenment that included this nugget of wisdom:

In a moment of clarity, I let go of what I thought I knew, which then allowed me to let go of the struggle.  Once I let go of the struggle, I found that I could move more easily in the direction of opening.

In a class all of her own, Cordelia tells us why she stopped giving in to the blogging machine in her post “I’m Not Supposed to be Telling You This (Or, Cordelia, Unplugged).”

Finally, in the just for fun category, BigSheepCommunications mentions some other days we should be celebrating in “Move Over Valentine’s Day.” Whew. That’s some list for this week. Happy reading!

Related Articles

• The Clayburgh Effect: Redefining Women’s Independence (abcnews.go.com)
• Next Stage of a Couple’s Relationship (boomercafe.com)
• “I’ve Been Married For 2 Years, And I’m Bored, Lonely, And Horny” (hellobeautiful.com)
• New Series: After “I Do” (weddingbee.com)

The Men Are Coming, The Men Are Coming!

Tags

African American, male perspective, Men, relationships

Image via Wikipedia

You read that write. Today, in the spirit of gift giving, I’m letting you in on a little surprise: I’m having guest posts this month! I felt, since this is the month of love, I would share the love with you. I am blessed to have many male friends, fellow church members, associates, and etc. who have a lot to say about relationships. Not only are they male, but young college educated, job-having Black men–the Holy Grail of single Black women. Many of these men are single. So, if you wanted to know about the male perspective, you’re going to get it.

I want you to know that I gave these men few guidelines and did NOT tell them what to write. I told them they could write about anything pertaining to love and relationships. I say this to say I’m in no way responsible for what these men choose to discuss. They are picking their own subjects and telling their own points of view. For those who have websites, twitter, facebook and such who want them displayed, I will provide that information for you to go yell at them (LOL).

I haven’t had a lot of male input on this blog, so I’m very excited to play host to the educated Black male mind.

If you have any specific questions for the men, I can pass them along. I’m thinking I can get a few of them on a roundtable to discuss the most popular questions. Tell your friends, and submit their questions, too. You can leave a question/comment in the comment’s section, or email me at 2blu2btru4u@gmail.com (2blu2btru4u at gmail dot com).

XOXO

2blu2btru 

Related Articles

• Urban Myth Busters: Black Women Are Single Because Most Black Men Are Marrying White Women? (urbanbellemag.com)
• Un-dateable Bastards: Is It All Black Men Or Just The Ones You Choose? (urbanbellemag.com)
• Why I Love Black Men (chicagonow.com)
• Spike Lee to Black Men: Become a Teacher! (theroot.com)
• Why Good Black Men Lack in Tyler Perry’s Movies (urbanbellemag.com)

Insensitivity & Other Sexual Disfunctons

Tags

connection, couples, insensitivity, intimacy, love, Men, sex, sex therapy, sexual healing, union

I watched the first episode of this show called “Sexual Healing” on my Netflix Watch Instantly (I finished season 1 of Bones, and that was so emotionally upsetting, I didn’t want to jump into season 2. “My name is Temperance Brennan!”=*tear*) The show is simple: Dr. Laura Berman runs the Berman center/institute/something where couples who are having problems in their sex life come and participate in one week or two week intensive counseling sessions and homework assignments to get the mojo back. There were three couples–one married sixteen years, one married ten years, and one couple that had been dating two years. (**Note: I do NOT condone fornication of any kind, but they were on the show. Get mad if you want, but in a perfect world (of my creation), they wouldn’t be on there–probably why I’m not a TV exec and have a blog instead :D)

There were a few things that stood out to me. First, the men’s issues were we aren’t having sex and the women’s issues were varied but mostly emotional. The men wanted to have sex for diverse reasons, sure, but they assumed the wife didn’t want to. One man was upset he always had to initiate sex, one man showed love and caring through making love, and felt hurt his wife didn’t want to have sex to connect with him, and one guy was young and stupid (I’m 22, I’m supposed to be having sex everyday twice a day and she’s at her sexual peak [she was 31], so what’s the hold up? That was his attitude).  The women felt like they gave more than they got sexually and emotionally, had childhood traumas, had hormonal changes that sapped physical desires.

There was one husband in particular that gave me the chills, because I could very easily marry a guy like him and be stuck in a relationship like that. This guy had a good job, he was neat, he was very logical and practical and sensible enough to raise a family–but he had up an unscalable emotional wall. He couldn’t let go, couldn’t give up the tiniest bit of control, didn’t display any emotion, even when he was hurt by something his wife said (until days later). She would say things and it was like a stone in lake–there was a brief surface rippling, then back to calm, undisturbed smoothness. She had no idea how to connect with him anymore, and she seemed almost too tired and beat down to try anymore.

People tend to think I’m insensitive to some of life’s realities, dating and marriage-wise, because of my beliefs. I believe there are very few reasons for divorce (and even those are not commandments for it), that people should abstain from fornication, that people shouldn’t live together before marriage. (I had a coworker browbeat me to death on that last one and say she thinks ALL couples should live together before they even think of getting married. I told her it was against my religion, but I think she thought I was saying that to be funny or it was just a phrase to show how opposed I am to the idea instead of actually being against my religion). But I’m not unaware of the fact that some things we are supposed to do are easier said than done. Just because I manage to do something doesn’t mean it was easy. Just because I say I was able to doesn’t mean I’m bragging. Sometimes it’s positive reinforcement, stating facts, a mental talisman and power thought: I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. But back to insensitivity.

For the most part, little Black boys are taught to be tough. They are not to cry or show their feelings. Little Black girls are raised to believe that men that cry are wimps and not really men; these men are easy marks for women who are only out to use men to get what they want/need. Some of us are blessed with parents who teach us better than that, but not all. I’ve run into a lot of “robotic” men, Black, White, and other, men who have been taught not to feel for so long they don’t consider feelings at all. Feelings aren’t important. They don’t show them, they don’t tolerate them in other people well. We are raising me to be sociopaths. (I think that’s the word…hang on let me look it up: yep, that’s my word) Okay, maybe that’s a little dramatic, but certain symptoms fit: incapacity to love; superficially glib and charming; pathological lying; lack of remorse, shame, or guilt; shallow emotions; infidelity/promiscuity; lack of empathy. I know plenty of people who have dated this man, and so often, it’s so hard to tell when you are falling in love.

Then there are those men like the 22 year old, who don’t seem to care what you may or may not be going through–they just want to be sexed on the regular. If I don’t feel connected to you emotionally anymore, so what? If you don’t kiss me or show affection except when you want sex and that’s not enough for me–oh well.

There was only one couple that had issues that had to do with sex itself. The woman needed hormonal treatment. Her husband, meanwhile, was supportive. Why did he want to have sex with her? To show his feelings for her (not to do what amounts to scratching a biological itch).

Most of the exercises weren’t that “saucy”…they were merely to build trust, intimacy, affection, to reconnect the couple. The sexual reconnection took care of itself once both partners felt loved, respected, & trusted in the union.

I’m more than interested to see where else this series is going to go, what other issues it will tackle and what other exercises/tips Dr. Bergman has to give couples. I am absolutely an advocate of marital counseling for your problems should you need it.

I would recommend Sexual Healing, at least from the first episode!