Submission and Surrender

Tags

burdens, Christ, discontent, discouragement, faith, God, Prayer, relationships, submission, surrender

I haven’t done an update in a while on my submission goal for the year. I’ve been reflecting on this lately and have a few things I would like to share. So, ahem…

I’ve been locked in a power struggle with myself for a few weeks now. I sent in Delivering Justice for the second time three weeks ago today, and I’ve been trying not to think about it. I’ve done a much better job this time. My email refresh button has gotten a lot more rest this time around. It’s not that I’m not worried about what is going on with it, but that I have come to accept that at this moment, its fate is in someone else’s hands. I can’t do anything more for it. I can’t send her my latest revisions or make her publish it; my part is over for the moment.

This is so much easier to realize in writing submissions than in spiritual submission. Recently someone close to me has been having a difficult time with life. REALLY difficult. I’m the cheerleader, the encourager, the person who sees it as my personal mission to pull everyone out of the doldrums kicking and screaming if I have to. I never really feel like I get anywhere with this individual, though. I feel like they listen to what I have to say but don’t believe it has any real bearing on what they are going through. I can quote scripture, speak from my own experience, or repeat every motivational quote I can think of, but I just can’t be them, and therefore I have no clue what the right thing to do or say is to make them feel better.

This week when things got difficult, they asked to be left alone for a few days. I wasn’t feeling this plan. Worries abounded in my head. But this seems like a sign of depression. But what if they do this or that? But the thing is, we all reach a point where we need to pull away at some time or another. Even Jesus left his disciples and the multitudes to pray and be with God by Himself. The truth is, nothing that I do ever seems to be enough because I’m not the one responsible for this person’s happiness. It doesn’t matter who it is in my life that needs me; I can’t fulfill all of their needs.

In Galatians, we are told to bear one another’s burdens, yes, but ultimately we are admonished to roll our cares onto Christ. I had to turn this person’s confusion, discontent and unhappiness with their current situation over to God. It was way too big for me. I couldn’t handle it. I’m not supposed to handle it.

A big part of submission is trust. When you hand someone something precious, and you don’t let go until you’re sure they have a good grip on it, that they aren’t going to drop it. I have to trust that God has a good grip on this person. Perhaps my constant interference has been disrupting what God is trying to show them. Maybe my “help” has been more of a hindrance. So lately I’ve been working on surrendering. I’m learning to trust God with those things that are too big for me to handle. I’m learning to trust the second part of the process. Once I give something to Him, it’s out of my hands.

This is something I’m trying to keep at the forefront of all my relationships and interactions with people. When I marry one day, even as I submit to my husband, there will still be things he can’t handle or be responsible for, things I need to take to God and submit to Him about. There will be times when my support and encouragement isn’t enough, when my husband needs to submit that area to God. People aren’t responsible for our happiness or contentment, and we shouldn’t hold them responsible for our discontentment or dissatisfaction. All of those Psalms where David directs his petitions to God and tells God that He alone can accomplish what David is seeking after Him to do should have clued me in to this, but sometimes it just has to be personal.

Praying for everyone struggling with depression, discontent, dissatisfaction, or decisions they need to make to move out of those places.

XOXO,

Erica

Celebrating Submission

Tags

anxiety, change, goals, silence, submission, surrender, tongue

If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, then you’ve seen my quotes from an old favorite I am rereading through new eyes, A Celebration of Discipline by Richard J. Foster. I’m not reading the whole book; rather, I’m rereading the section on the discipline of submission to start my year long focus on submission. So far, I’m seeing a lot of things, both in the text and in myself, that I did not see before.

I’m having a rough time adjusting to some of the changes I’ve been making, and I’m not the only one. Change is never easy for me, and getting so far out of my comfort zone is an exercise in humility and tongue biting like I’ve never had before. In ..A Celebration of Discipline, Foster states that “usually the best way to handle most matters of submission is to say nothing.” That’s a hard one for me. As someone who feels the need to justify, clarify, and be taken seriously, it’s difficult sometimes not to say exactly how I feel. I’m used to picking and choosing my words carefully, but having to say nothing, to just surrender it and watch God work it out is both a relief and an anxiety.

The thing is, I can already see how much my decision to change has affected my environment. I already see God working. My boss asked me to organize my workspace a certain way. I happen to think that I work just fine in my workspace the way I had it organized, but at the same time, changing it to suit her wasn’t going to make it more difficult for me to get things accomplished. So I began to work on it. My workspace is a lot more efficient, my boss is happy with it, and I still get work on. A coworker even gave me a Sony alarm to play my iPod on that fits a lot better into my workspace, an unexpected bonus that allowed me to bring my sound bar home to enjoy.

There have been a few small victories and a LOT of anxieties and uncertainties. There have been a lot of moments when I want to give up and slide back into old habits, especially when it comes to the tongue. But I have no doubt that I’m going in the right direction, even with things around me start to look a little unfamiliar.

I hope that the lesson today at church is just what I need to hear to keep me encouraged.

XOXO,

Erica

The Word of the Year for 2014

Tags

goals, God, obedience, submit, surrender, word of the Year

*I was supposed to post this a long time ago; I’ve known what the word for the year is since New Years, if not before. It wasn’t uncertainty over what the word should be that kept me from posting, but the momentous, life changing nature of the word, and the sentiments behind it, paralyzed me for a bit. I know only God can make my pursuit of this for this year a success; that’s part of the reason I know this is the right word*

I’m not going to give a bunch of fanfare before I dive into the word of the year for 2014; I’m just going to put it out there. My word of the year is submit. There, I said it. That wasn’t so bad.

I didn’t want to say it…er, write it. I was hesitant to commit the word to paper…or the internet, because it means so many different things as it pertains to this year. No other word fully represented and encompassed what this year needs to be about for me.I didn’t want to be controversial at all in my choice, although I realize to some it will appear as if I am. I simply wanted to be truthful to where I am and where I want to go in this year.

Some definitions:

• to give (a document, proposal, piece of writing, etc.) to someone so that it can be considered or approved.
• to stop trying to fight or resist something; to agree to do something that you have been resisting or opposing.
• to yield oneself to the authority or will of another; surrender
• to defer to or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another.

There are so many areas of my life in which the word submit needs to become entrenched! The most obvious area, and the easiest to do, would be in the area of achieving my goal to be a published writer. I have to press the submit button several times this year to get my writing in front of someone who might believe in it enough to publish it. I’ve even made some positive steps to prepare a couple things for submission. But the physical and spiritual implications are so much greater.

One area in my life in which I want to embrace the meaning or submit that pertains to surrender is in my relationship. My relationship needs to be submitting to God. Absolutely. Not only that, though, but I need to surrender the death grip that I’ve had on moving things along. I’ve already done a few things to move in this direction, but more things are required. *Y’all, I really don’t want to say this, but I’m going to, and please hold me to it* I need to stop trying to evaluate and predicate things upon an uncertain future outcome & instead consult God on how he wants me to proceed. No more trying to orchestrate things, either. To that end, no more hinting, nagging, lamenting, arm twisting, or complaining about my relationship to anyone but God.

I’ve been fasting from relationship related media–no Say Yes to the Dress or Four Weddings, no ratchet TV like Love & Hip Hop with their jacked up relationships, no hash tag or tag check for engagement, wedding, marriage or related terms on blogs or Instagram. I DID see that my cousin was engaged on Facebook and I liked the status, but other than that–nothing. I’m cutting off those avenues of comparison. What happens with my relationship will happen when it is supposed to happen. Easier said than done, but I’m working on it.

This doesn’t begin to touch on how submit can be applied to my relationship with God, bringing my body into submission, bringing my mouth into submission, or the other areas I’ve already identified that will benefit from this word. I’ll share more about Project Submit as the month wears on.

What’s your word for the year? How are you going to use it to impact your life? Have you made any steps toward achieving your 2014 goals?

XOXO

Erica

What Compromise Looks Like on a Selfish Day

Tags

compromise, concessions, desires, love, relationships, selfishness, surrender, understanding, wants

It’s very hard for some people to compromise because they have no idea what compromise looks like. When some people hear the word “compromise,” all they hear is “I’m not going to get my way” or “surrender” or “go along to get along.” Indeed, even our language caters to the idea that compromise and concessions are inherently the short end of a long stick.

The dictionary definitions of compromise and concession (emphasis added):

Compromise a: settlement of differences by arbitration or by consent reached by mutual concessions b: something intermediate between or blending qualities of two different things

Concession 1a: the act or an instance of conceding (as by granting something as a right, accepting something as true, or acknowledging defeat) b: the admitting of a point claimed in argument 2: something conceded or granted: a: acknowledgment, admission b: something done or agreed to usually grudgingly in order to reach an agreement or improve a situation.

Just by examining these definitions, it’s easy to see why compromise can be so hard for us. No one wants to make any concessions. Concession means you went with the other guy’s wishes. The fact that there are mutual concessions in compromise is overshadowed by the fact that you have to make concessions.

Mr. Perfect and I were having one of our frequent discussions about marriage brought on by either the marriage and family workshop or some conversation he’d had with someone around that time, and while he was explaining this situation and the response, he said “that sounds like just giving in.”
When you know you are right, why should you “just give in” to get along? This is the central point that most people get stuck on as it relates to compromise. The thing is, the other person thinks they are right, too. Maybe they are; but then, maybe neither of you has it exactly right.

Why is it so hard to admit that someone else may have a point? What makes it so difficult for us to concede on non-important issues in order to have what we really want? Simply put, it’s because we are selfish. We want everything to go our way every time. It’s a natural inclination, to want things to go the way we would have them to go; it’s just not possible all the time, especially when it comes to relationship.

We are all able to acknowledge that relationships are give and take. We feel, at the outset, that we are ready to give to our partner and accept in equal measure. We don’t think of having to compromise as a form of give in take initially. Most people are not only eager to concede to the whims of their mate, they don’t mind that what they want gets put on the back burner…until the relationship isn’t shiny and new anymore and they aren’t getting the same chemical pick me up from just being in their beloved’s presence. Our natural tendencies begin to reassert themselves (if we haven’t been the partner initially catered to). At some point, you begin to resent the fact that your partner seems to be taking for granted the ways in which you’ve considered them and made concessions for them that you didn’t really want to make. This feeling is very much magnified when the relationship ends. Many of us develop an attitude that we are out for what we can get for as long as we can get it as a result of such “callous treatment.”

I don’t believe it’s healthy for any relationship when all of the concessions are on one side. Relationships are supposed to teach us how to work cooperatively and grow with one another, not to cater to all of our wants and needs and feed our selfish tendencies.

Compromise is not about surrendering, being stepped on, or having your feelings and desires ignored. Neither is it about winning, beating someone, or being out to get all you can. It’s about putting the well being of the relationship going into the future about what you may want right now, of making any concessions you can in order to improve a situation or reach an agreement.

At some point, if you are going to be a “we” instead of a “me,” you are going to have to give up an “m” and acquire a “w.” You have to decide when that’s going to be. You also have to decide what’s worth fighting for and what to let go. If you aren’t ready to concede or compromise on anything, then you aren’t ready for any sort of real relationship.

Have you been in a relationship with someone who was unwiling to compromise? How did you learn to comprise? What’s something you’ve compromised on recently? I want to hear from you.

XOXO

2blu2btru

Related articles

• Cooperation, Not Compromise, Builds Relationships (psychologytoday.com)
• COMPROMISE: The Politically Correct Way to Mediocrity (montyrainey.wordpress.com)
• Stay Off My Line! (2blu2btru.wordpress.com)
• Let’s Talk About Sex!: Mrs. Jung-Freud Part IV, Fin (2blu2btru.wordpress.com)
• Compromise, sharing and sacrifice…Ugg! (thelovelyaddict.com)
• Making Concessions (strongerimpact.wordpress.com)
• How To Compromise With Your Husband (jenniferlyount.wordpress.com)